Tuesday, October 31, 2006

BUSH DRESSES UP AS IMPERIALIST WARMONGER FOR HALLOWEEN

In a surprise visit to the troops in Iraq on Halloween, the President appeared in a navy-blue suit with a red tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks and an American flag pin on his lapel. While several of the women officers screamed in horror, most of the male officers remained calm. Sergeant Steven Hickelford, from Wheeling, West Virginia said, “He was real scary. I could see the dollar signs and oil rigs in his eyes. But then I realized it was just a costume and he was really the C student from Texas who I’d like to have a beer with.”

Monday, October 30, 2006

BUSH PLANS SURPRISE VISIT TO IRAQ ON HALLOWEEN

In a gesture to bring an upbeat message to the troops, President Bush is planning a top-secret visit to Iraq on Halloween, Tony Snow told CNN. “Air Force One will arrive at Baghdad International Airport at around 17:32 local time on Tuesday, landing in darkness, with the plane’s lights dimmed to make it less of a target. Then, still shrouded in secrecy, he’ll be driven to the base in a black Ford Explorer SUV, license plate # IMTHEPREZ. Upon arrival, he’ll spend the first three minutes basking in the troops’ unbridled adulation before embarking on an impromptu speech that will include such off-the-cuff repartee as, ‘I had a sweet tooth and thought I’d come here for some Halloween candy’.”

BUSH RENOUNCES THE BIBLE

Due to disappointing results from the war in Iraq, President Bush said he will no longer use the Bible to guide his foreign policy. “I’m not too sure the Lord knew where he was goin’ in Iraq, so for the next war, I’m gonna try a different book,” he rationalized. “Say, I read ‘The Stranger’ this summer. Maybe that Meursault fella has some kinda strategy for Iran. If it turns out afterwards he didn’t know what he was talkin’ about, then I’ll take Holden Caulfield’s advice on North Korea. I wouldn’t trust Huck Finn, though. That boy was a real rascal.”

Sunday, October 29, 2006

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL SAYS ONLY CERTIFIED DIVERS SHOULD BE ELIGIBLE FOR WATER TORTURE

Amnesty International is insisting that the U.S. start a Detainees In Training (DIT) program that would provide mandatory diving certification for terrorist suspects in order to be eligible for waterboarding torture—a procedure that simulates the feeling of drowning as the detainee is dunked in water. While Vice President Dick Cheney wholeheartedly condones this interrogation method, he rejects the DIT program, saying, “Next thing you know, Amnesty International will be telling us to give these thugs La-Z-Boys and slippers.”

Saturday, October 28, 2006

WHITE HOUSE CHEF TIRED OF COOKING FOR IMMATURE PALATE

After working for a panoply of kings, queens, sultans and prime ministers, the White House chef said his talents are going to waste with his current employer. “I make the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the President every day,” he lamented. “For this, I went to the Cordon Bleu Academy? Oh, sure, if Laura gets a wild hair up her ass, she’ll want a tuna salad on a bed of iceberg with some Kraft Thousand Island dressing,” he groused. “And once in a blue moon, the President will request something other than a PB&J. Just last week, he asked for a still-twirling pig on a spit delivered to the Lincoln bedroom. I’m not sure what he did with it, but afterwards, Laura was glowing like a schoolgirl. But that kind of action doesn't happen nearly enough.”

FAUX FOIE GRAS TO REPLACE REAL THING

In retaliation for attempting to ban the duck liver delicacy known as foie gras—in which ducks are force-fed obscene amounts in order to be fattened up—top chefs have created a new ‘faux’ foie gras. “If they think Tofurkey is bad, wait till they taste Braunschweiger Gras,” famed chef, Thomas Keller, told his prodigies. “After a few bites of this pathetic concoction, they won’t care how much food is crammed down those poor ducks’ throats. This will teach the food police to stay out of our business once and for all.”

Friday, October 27, 2006

BUSH LEAVES TOILET WITH NO PAPER TRAIL

In a move that made his mother proud, George W. Bush was seen leaving the bathroom with clean shoes and no evidence of t.p. While it was purported that Diebold planted extraneous substances into the commode, it could not be proven that Bush did not expel the contents himself. “I ate broccoli yesterday,” he beamed. “My dad didn’t, but I did. And the corn in there? Well that kinda speaks for itself.”

CANADIAN SENIORS CROSS BORDER FOR CHEAP PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

In response to Walmart’s new $4 generic drug prescription plan, Canadian seniors have been seen crossing the border in droves, heading for the nearest Walmart. While the U.S. Drug Czar and pharmaceutical industry welcome the new buyer immigrants, the Canadian Prime Minister has threatened to build a 700-mile fence along the U.S./Canadian border to curb the drug trafficking. Walmart's CFO was heard telling a key player in the White House, “It’s a done deal. They build the fence, then Walmart stops the discount program, and our seniors can't cross the border into Canada anymore.”

Thursday, October 26, 2006

MICHAEL J. FOX ACCUSES RUSH LIMBAUGH OF FAKING HIS OBNOXIOUS PERSONALITY DISORDER

A twitching, yet fully composed Michael J. Fox told reporters that Rush Limbaugh’s callous accusation that Fox was “acting” to demonstrate the effects of Parkinson’s was itself an act. “I think Rush has been faking his Obnoxious Personality Disorder (O.P.D.) all these years, and that without his pills, he’s really a sweet, gentle guy who takes long walks in the rain, arm in arm with his lady,” the actor said. “I know he's really saying nice things about me behind my back. Let’s not mince words here. Rush Limbaugh is a mensch.”

WALMART SELLS $4 GENERIC DRUGS TO NONDESCRIPT SENIORS

In a historic move to aid fixed-income seniors, Walmart is selling drugs such as Acme Heart Medication and The Best Darned Liver Pills to buyers such as Joe Jones and Pearl Johnson for $4 a prescription. “This is a win-win situation,” said Walmart’s CFO. “Now seniors will be able to afford meals that are high in saturated fat, in addition to their cholesterol medication."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

MADONNA REACHES OUT TO ADOPTED SON’S FATHER AND VILLAGE

To compensate the father of Madonna’s newly adopted son, the singer is giving all the Malawi villagers free tickets* to her Madison Square Garden concert**. “David’s father will be fairly compensated for giving up his child now,” said Madonna’s spokesperson. “The tickets sell for $200 apiece, and New York scalpers are getting up to $800 per ticket. We think this is more than equitable. Honestly, David’s father should stop his whining already. If he didn’t understand that he was permanently giving up his child, maybe next time, he’ll Google the word ‘adoption’ before signing on the dotted line.”

* Airfare not included
**Villagers with scheduling conflicts may attend her Royal Albert Hall performance.

BUSH SAYS PEOPLE MISUNDERSTOOD ‘STAY THE COURSE’

A peeved President Bush told the press corps that he was tired of people doubting his judgment. “When I said we were going to stay the course, I was talking about the back nine at Pebble Beach," he explained. "I know a lot of folks thought Dick and I should abandon them altogether. There are lots of water hazards, and a lot of players have lost their balls—especially on the 17th hole. But I’m the decider, and I insisted we stay. It would send the wrong message to the groundskeeper if we left. But now that he quit to work at St Andrews, we’re changing our strategy.”

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

PRIEST CLAIMS HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC AND WAS MOLESTED BY A REPUBLICAN

Father Dominic DeNomo came forward yesterday to announce that when he was an altar boy, a prominent Republican in his church inappropriately touched him. “At the time, I thought he was teaching me about hygiene,” the priest said. “But now that I think about it, I had already showered. As a result, I am guilty of imbibing in an ungodly amount of Fra Angelico and of giving young Republicans hands-on demonstrations on cleanliness. I tell them it’s next to godliness, and they're hooked. It’s a vicious cycle.”

FRIST PERFORMS EMERGENCY SURGERY ON THE PRESIDENT

In preparation for the November mid-term elections, Senate Majority Leader and notable surgeon Bill Frist reportedly performed emergency brain surgery on the President to remove blocked synapses that were obstructing all viable exit strategies in Iraq. While the surgery ran longer than expected, a weary Frist said he wouldn’t cut and run. Aides were said to be hopeful of the President’s prognosis when they heard him phonetically master the word ‘nuclear’ in post-op.

Monday, October 23, 2006

TOM DELAY CLAIMS HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC AND WAS MOLESTED BY A PREACHER

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay admitted that his moral lapses and abuse of power were a result of being inappropriately touched by a Baptist preacher as a young churchgoer. “When he was talking about the hand of God, I thought it was part of the sermon,” DeLay said, “but the way he said, 'ah…men', I knew something wasn’t right. So I turned to Jack Daniels for salvation and drank two liters a day—until I stepped down from the House. Now that I’ve repented, I’m down to one.”

BUSH OPTS FOR IMPEACHMENT

It is purported that if forced to choose, the President would prefer impeachment over resignation since he would be eligible to collect unemployment compensation. “Sure, I got out of goin’ to Vietnam, and I skipped out on my Air National Guard duty, but my dad taught me to never be a quitter," the President confided. It is said he will have an easy time fudging job search contacts on his weekly unemployment form since Halliburton, Diebold and Fox News have already committed to the ruse. “I’m not standin’ in any unemployment lines, though,” he warned. “Those are for folks who haven’t been the President.”

Sunday, October 22, 2006

JACK ABRAMOFF CLAIMS HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC AND WAS MOLESTED BY A RABBI

Scandal-plagued Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff said that he’s certain his life would have turned out differently if Rabbi Isadore Goldfarb had not accidentally dangled his tallis over Abramoff’s crotch while reaching for a prayer book during Shabbos services. “While it may not legally be considered a fully intentioned fondle,” Abramoff rationalized, “it left an indelible emotional scar at an early age that deprived me of a meaningful relationship with the Talmud, thus impairing my ethical judgment. Needless to say, I started drinking an ungodly amount of Manischewitz—even when it wasn’t Passover.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

LAURA BUSH PLANS IMPEACHMENT GALA

In the event that the Democrats take over the House and Senate, a proactive Laura Bush wants to be prepared for her husband’s possible impeachment, her press secretary said in confidentiality. “She is conferring with Washington caterers and party planners, determined to make this the most lavish impeachment gala in American history. Not only will the food and entertainment represent all the states that the ousted President disappointed, Kim Jong Il will be the headliner, doing his Elvis impersonator set. And as a special send-off to her husband, she will have an extravagant, $100,000 peanut butter and jelly station, in honor of the soon-to-be-ex-President’s favorite cuisine.

COLIN POWELL TELLS NEOCONS, ‘TOLD YOU SO—NA NA NA NA NA NA’

Ex-Secretary of State, Colin Powell, rubbed the current administration’s nose in it by reminding them of his prewar advice on Iraq. “It’s the Pottery Barn rule,” he said. “You break it, you buy it.” When recently interviewed, Pottery Barn’s CFO said the store is now selling the Iraqi debacle at a price tag of $7,999,999,999,999,999,999,999.95 plus tax. “Of course, it would have been cheaper at Walmart,” he noted.

Friday, October 20, 2006

A DYSLEXIC BUSH CAMPAIGNS FOR THE LEFT

After misplacing his dyslexia medication, George W. Bush hit the campaign trail and turned left. While he spoke on the hazards of global warming, his immediate exit strategy in Iraq, and a woman’s right to choose, his folksy charm—which included a really good fart joke—did nothing to motivate Democrat voters. The missing pills were later discovered in Karl Rove’s desk—an apparent strategic move to prevent Bush from campaigning for his own party.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

U.N. FORBIDS NORTH KOREANS FROM ALL SEXUAL ACTIVITY

In a move to perpetuate the nonproliferation treaty, the people of North Korea, Iran, Pakistan and other child-bearing nations have been forbidden to participate in any procreative actions without permission from the U.N. “It may seem unfair that the United States, Russia, China, Great Britain and France are allowed to copulate,” said Kofi Annan, “but with fornication comes great responsibility. It should not be entrusted to the wrong countries.”

COMPUTER’S START-UP THEME COMPOSER BECOMES PHILANTHROPIST

The creator of the upbeat droning sound that plays when your computer starts up just became a multi-billionaire, thanks to the royalties he receives daily in nanoseconds. When asked what he will do with his vast fortune, he replied, “I am starting a philanthropic organization that will fight hearing loss throughout the developing world. Thanks to globalization, there is no reason why the deaf pygmies in the rainforests of Cameroon, Gabon and Congo should not be able to hear the mellifluous sound of their laptops starting up.”

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

RUMSFELD TORTURES DETAINEES AFTER LUNCH

After eating a large bowl of four-bean chili for lunch, Donald Rumsfeld subjected his subordinates at the Pentagon to hours of olfactory torture. “I told you, I won't cut and run," said the Defense Secretary. A traumatized file clerk uttered, “It smelled worse than Abu Ghraib.” Another detainee lamented, “I just know he's going to get away with this when it clearly defies the Geneva Conventions.” The Office of Homeland Security declined to intervene after Rumsfeld said with a smirk, "Tomorrow I'm having egg salad.”

GEORGE H.W. BUSH CLAIMS DUBYA IS NOT HIS CHILD

In an apparent move to distance himself from the judgment-challenged president, George H. W. Bush came forward with the name of the milkman who apparently sired his ‘son’. “I don’t blame Barbara,” said the elder Bush. “It’s very lonely being the wife of a politician. And with five children, we went through a lot of milk.” He added, “Not only is my son illegitimate, so were the last two elections. Hell, in 2004, I didn’t even vote for him.”

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

GLAMOUR SHOTS OPENS IN MALAWI

In a move to aid Africa’s growing orphan crisis, Glamour Shots® has opened a photography franchise in Malawi that caters to the legions of children who are hoping to be adopted. “We are providing a high-coiffed advantage to these adoptee wannabes that will no doubt influence celebrity purchasers early on in the decision-making process,” said a company executive. “Since it all comes down to attraction and chemistry, these children need to make the best-looking first impressions possible,” he clarified. “The sepia portrait series for $29.95 could be the wisest investment of their young lives. And for just a pittance more, they can move up to a wall poster or 12-month calendar.”

REPUBLICANS BLAME CLINTON FOR HAWAII EARTHQUAKE

Prominent Republicans pointed the finger at the Clinton administration for allowing the strongest earthquake to rattle Hawaii in more than two decades to occur. Senator John McCain told reporters, “If Bill Clinton hadn’t been preoccupied with the Monica Lewinsky scandal in 1999, seismologists would have been able to anticipate the magnitude of this godforsaken disaster. Everyone who is responsible should come forward and accept accountability. Admitting you’re wrong is the first step toward helping our nation heal.”

Monday, October 16, 2006

MEL GIBSON ENTERS JEW-HAB

Mel Gibson entered a Beverly Hills treatment center in an attempt to be rehabilitated from spouting anti-Semitic remarks that, according to the actor, "aren’t me." Through the use of electrodes that emit the sound of prominent Jewish voices such as Howard Stern, Gilbert Gottfried, Fran Drescher, Joan Rivers and Roseanne into the cerebellum, it will enable him to easily tolerate other Jews by comparison. Gibson was ordered by the court to atone for his actions by attending a four-hour Yom Kippur service at Temple Emmanuel with no intermission. Afterwards, he was overheard saying, “I feel positively re-Jew-venated.”

ANTI-SEMITIC OR MERELY SEMANTICS?

During his “Semantics of Anti-Semitism” lecture at the “Implications of Inflammatory Epithets” conference, Dr. Myron Chakovsky asserted, “The term ‘anti-Semite’ is rather complex to interpret. After all, if one is not an anti-Semite, then he is a pro-Semite. When in reality, there are many people who are merely Semite-neutral. This ‘you’re either for us or against us’ thinking is what continues to propagate this gross misconception of the public’s attitudes toward the Semites. Historically, if the language had been clearer, we might have avoided the Diaspora, the Holocaust, and the atrocities that Mel Gibson committed.”

Sunday, October 15, 2006

LAURA BUSH FORCES PRESIDENT TO LEARN DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM

Former librarian, Laura Bush, insists that before her husband opens his presidential library, he must familiarize himself with the Dewey Decimal System. “I know it’s a library and all,” he was overheard saying, “But I haven’t done any homework since Jeb crammed for my English exam at Yale. Hell, I’m the god damn president. I don’t have to know squat if I don’t want to.”

Saturday, October 14, 2006

MIA FARROW ADOPTS WHOLE ORPHANAGE

In what appears to be a mounting rivalry with Angelina Jolie and Madonna, Mia Farrow flew to Namibia and adopted an orphanage. “No johnny-come-lately is going to out-mother me,” Farrow was heard telling Namibian officials. “I’m the one who invented child outsourcing!” At the last minute, however, she decided to throw some of the girls back in order to avoid any future boyfriend competition with them. "Of course, now that I’m adopting all these boys,” she said, “it would be just my luck to fall in love with a gay pedophile.”

BUSH REPEALS CRONY’S TAX CUT

When it was discovered during a routine wiretap that Cyrus R. Lessing III was adopted and not the blue blood he appeared to be, President Bush revoked his old crony’s top 1% tax cut. The multimillionaire was not only shocked at the rebuke of his ancestry, he put an immediate hold on his plans to open an outlet mall in Darfur. “I hope the people of Darfur will understand why they won’t be shopping at J. Crew, Ann Klein, and a host of other fashion-friendly stores that would have enhanced their appearances,” said the developer. “And I hope I’ll still be on the guest list for the annual Bush Family Barbeque & California Condor Shoot-Out.”

Friday, October 13, 2006

BUSH TELLS THE PEOPLE OF DARFUR TO GO SHOPPING

In the wake of a gross humanitarian catastrophe, President Bush told the people of Darfur that the best way to resolve their situation is to go shopping. “I know it’s not fun bein’ in a genocide,” he tried to reassure them, “But the best thing you can do in times like these is to jump-start the economy by goin’ out and buyin’ a new refrigerator or washing machine.” The President vehemently rejected the U.N. strategy of employing a large peacekeeping force in the area and said that once Halliburton builds the necessary infrastructure, the 450,000 misplaced refugees will be able to reach retailers in the area. “I’m very optimistic,” he told them.

GARY COLEMAN ANNOUNCES HE WILL NOT SEEK WHITE HOUSE

Gary Coleman announced at a news conference today that due to scheduling conflicts, he won’t be running for the presidency in 2008. “If I hadn’t agreed to appear on ‘Skating with the Stars’, I would have put all my energy into turning this country around,” the diminutive actor said. "But instead, I'll be working on my half axel, quarter toe loop and five/eighths Lutz."

JANET JACKSON’S RIGHT BREAST ENTERS REHAB

Singer Janet Jackson’s once-perky right breast was seen entering the Betty Ford Center on Tuesday, sources close to the breast said. “That titty was hittin’ the city,” said Jackson’s upper torso personal trainer. “After the damn Super Bowl, she just got too big for her brassiere. That knocker’s a real party animal.” Reports were confirmed that the breast’s quest for the public eye, coupled with her dejected left breast leaving her, resulted in her having a good heart to heart with herself. “I realized it’s lonely out of the top,” she confided. “I gotta sober up so girlfriend’ll come home. We got some serious mending to do.”

Thursday, October 12, 2006

CONDI RICE CAUGHT HAVING PHONE SEX WITH HUGO CHAVEZ

Audio from a routine wiretap revealed Condoleezza Rice engrossed in a risqué telephone conversation with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez after his speech at the U.N. “Call him the devil again,” she demanded provocatively. ”Ooooh…are you wearing your camouflage fatigues?” A hot-blooded Chavez replied, “Of course, you imperial bitch. Now, who’s your devil? Who’s your devil?” The evidence was said to be quickly disposed of before President Bush could harbor any unbridled feelings of sexual inadequacy.

JANET JACKSON’S LEFT BREAST ANNOUNCES TRIAL SEPARATION

The dejected left bosom of singer Janet Jackson called a breast conference today to announce that she is parting company with her overexposed, celebrity counterpart. Since the Super Bowl, ongoing confrontations have arisen between the two. “Girlfriend, why are you trying to bring me down?” said the ever-perky right breast. “I take you to parties…you get to hang with my peeps…” “But no one even knows I’m alive!” cried the mirthless left breast. A mammary psychologist with the Johns Hopkins Medical Institute explains, “One breast is often preferred over the other for a variety of reasons. As a result, it is not uncommon for the less popular hooter to lose its joie de vivre. In this particular instance, she just needs to get out more.” An exasperated Janet Jackson was overheard berating them both in public, saying, “Can’t we all just get along?”

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

LEADING LINGUISTS TO REMOVE ‘W’ FROM ALPHABET

At a forum for the world’s leading linguists, it was unanimously decided that George W. Bush has ruined the letter ‘W’ for everyone and that it would behoove mankind to eradicate this pestilent consonant from our collective vocabulary. “In the past, ‘W’ was a wonderfully word-worthy letter,” said Hans Reider, Professor of Sociolinguistics at M.I.T. “Now, due to its impending demise, dogs will be uttering, ‘oof ‘oof, children will be reading ‘illy ‘onka and the Chocolate Factory, and George __ Bush will simply be a ‘ar time president.

KARL ROVE SMEARS HEINZ KERRY WITH GREY POUPON

Karl Rove started a vicious smear campaign by circulating a rumor that Teresa Heinz Kerry, heir of the Heinz Ketchup empire, was seen using Grey Poupon on her turkey burger. “I always knew she ran in Grey Poupon circles,” said someone close to Rove, “but such blatant disloyalty proves she can’t be trusted. It’s a good thing we ran those Swift Boat ads,” he confided. “If she were the first lady, it is certain she would have chosen the terrorists over the American people.”

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

KIM JONG-IL USES FLAMMABLE HAIRSPRAY AFTER REPEATED WARNINGS NOT TO

The U.N. proposed tough new sanctions against North Korea, banning the country’s importation of all hairsprays, styling gels, mousses, molding muds and pomades after Kim Jong-Il’s hair was declared a threat to international peace and security. "Once again, North Korea has defied the will of the international community, and the international community will respond," U.S. President George Bush told reporters at the White House on Monday. Russian President Vladimir Putin also condemned Il’s ‘do, saying it was an irresponsible and dangerous eyesore. Vidal Sassoon, however, called it provocative and original. “I might add a few highlights, though,” he offered.

SKINNY OPRAH BEEFS UP SECURITY

Rather than simply refraining from stocking her home with fattening foods, Oprah Winfrey has hired a SWAT team to man her refrigerator. Her new low-calorie security system also includes a sharpshooter to take out any pizza delivery vehicles, ice cream trucks or catering trailers who are seen driving by her estate. “The skinny Oprah doesn’t just happen by herself,” she said. “It takes a village.”

LAZY RELIGIOUS LEADERS SHOW LITTLE FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE

When presented with the opportunity to receive generous grants from the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, major religious leaders lacked the necessary oomph. While in theory, they liked the idea of receiving money for nothing, but there was a lot of paperwork to fill out, and a 7th Heaven marathon was starting on the CW.

Monday, October 09, 2006

MONSANTO SUES GEORGE H. W. BUSH FOR SPREADING SEED

Monsanto claims that George H. W. Bush propagated his seed in 1946 without any forethought to the havoc it would wreak on future generations. “The landscape has been forever altered from a genetically modified organism, therefore, the intellectual property legally belongs to Monsanto,” said the lead attorney for the company. The elder Bush was unavailable for comment, except to say that if Monsanto wants credit for the wild shrub, to “go for it.”

CHENEY SHOOTS QUAYLE

It is reported that Vice President Dick Cheney shot former Vice President Dan Quayle in what appeared to be an accidental hunting accident. Insiders say it was a direct order from the commander-in-chief, due to a long-simmering sibling-like rivalry toward his father’s former V.P. Sources close to Cheney, however, say that he would never take orders from the f***ing President. He was simply ready to fire off a few rounds at someone since it had been a while. Quayle is said to be recovering at the Bethesda Naval Hospital and is suffering from delusions of being slow-cooked in a white wine shallot reduction.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

USDA SECRETARY DISCOVERED MAKING OVERTURES TO SHEEP

It has been alleged that USDA Secretary Mike Johanns was discovered engaging in inappropriate milking techniques with several full-figured ewes at Family Friendly Farms in rural Wisconsin. One sheep came forward to say that while she went along with it, she was just yanking his chain and had no desire to date outside of her species. “It was just for shits and giggles,” she snickered coquettishly. “I’m bored as hell here in Wisconsin. I want to live in California with all those happy cows.”

KATIE COURIC’S WRITER USES MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS THAN NECESSARY

CBS executives are attempting to dispel rumors that the writer for the Evening News is required to overpunctuate Katie Couric’s news scripts with a plethora of exclamation points and other personality-inducing cues. “I do add exclamation points where she should act extra perky,” admitted the writer, “but, for a real downer piece, I insert the little frowny face, so she’ll know to get serious and tighten that sphincter. However, I refuse to dot my eyes with little daisies, as she requested. What is this—Queer Eye for the News Guy?”

Saturday, October 07, 2006

LOG CABIN REPUBLICANS SWITCH TO AUNT JEMIMA

Feeling shamed by a gay pedophile who does not justly represent them, the gay Republican organization known as the Log Cabin Republicans changed their name to the Aunt Jemima Republicans. “We wanted to preserve the sanctity of our name and the liberties we stand for,” said Thomas Hewell Pettiford, lV. “We were deeply concerned with what Lincoln would be thinkin’. Frankly, we don’t care what Aunt Jemima would have thought.”

BUSH’S SUMMER READING IS MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

It turns out that the three Shakespeares President Bush spent his summer reading were not the unabridged versions. Bush, in defiance of both Karl Rove and Oprah, who had suggested he read the Cliff’s notes versions, apparently ordered Condi Rice to “Be m’ lady” and dramatize the main action for him. After an exhaustive, authentically costumed portrayal of Lady MacBeth, Bush purportedly nodded and uttered, “Thanks, Brown Sugar. Now where’s the remote?”

MATTRESS SALES RISE DUE TO GROWING DISTRUST IN FUTURE

As a result of the public’s growing distrust in the future of social security, the world’s financial markets and the reliability of the FDIC, mattress sales are reportedly soaring. “In the past, purchasing decisions were predicated on box-spring action and overall comfort level,” said Ned Landis, general manager of the Lazy Snoozin’ mattress chain. "But today’s buyers are choosing models like the Moola King, which has a 100% goose down money vault built in. There are a number of trim levels to choose from that will best accommodate the buyers’ income level, from a day laborers’ slim wages to the media moguls’ bulky salary. Of course, the granddaddy of them all includes a deluxe Valium dispenser and mini bar.”

Friday, October 06, 2006

BUSH REINTERPRETS ‘CLEAN AND SOBER’ RULES TO ALLOW COCAINE USE

In a stunning upset to the 12-step community, George W. Bush claims that cocaine users may now be categorized as 'clean and sober'. This new interpretation of the sobriety code has been substantiated by Alberto Gonzalez with his assertion that there are no snortalizer tests for obtaining accurate cocaine levels in the body, therefore it cannot be proven by a high court. A sniffling, highly exuberant Bush beamed that he has been clean and sober for years.

WOMAN SEEKS INTIMACY IN BLUE SHIELD NETWORK

The Blue Shield network has reported repeated incidents of a large, appearance-challenged woman who goes from doctor to doctor with questionable maladies—all in the hopes of taking her clothes off. When asked the reason for her visit, she says such things as, “My liver feels tight. Should I take off these restrictive undergarments so you can inspect it?” or “I’m having really bad acid reflux. Let me unstrap my bra and show you.” Finally, during her HMO dental appointment, the jig was up when the dentist left for a moment to restock his floss supply and returned to find her buck naked in the dental chair. “I think I have a cavity that needs filling,” she said unconvincingly. With the exception of the psychiatric sector, she has since been blackballed from the Blue Shield network.

BUSH OUTED AS A ‘MO WITH HIS MANDATE

President George W. Bush inadvertently outed himself by admitting he had a 51% man date in 2004. This admission not only explains his overcompensatory homophobia, it clearly reveals his penchant for hermaphrodites. “I always figured him to like trannies,” beamed Olivier Flambé, treasurer of the Liza Minelli fan club. “But this even caught me offguard. And I’ve got gaydar like it’s nobody’s business.” Ironically, Bush’s attempt to ban gay marriage includes nothing to dissuade hermaphrodite marriage. “I can’t tell folks with two sets of genitals who they can’t marry,” he said. “I mean, with all that goin’ on down there, there’s no way of knowin’ who’s marryin’ who.”

IMAGE OF POPE AS HITLER YOUTH SEEN ON PIECE OF TOAST

A piece of toast with a striking resemblance to a teenage Joseph Ratzinger holding a swastika was discovered in an abandoned Nazi-era toaster near Dachau, Germany. “This is irrefutably the young pope,” said the head preservationist of the Bread and Crouton Division of the Smithsonian. “Anybody with one good eye can confirm this by the mole on his left leg near the crust. The real question is, was he a willing participant of the Nazi regime or did he merely have aspirations to appear on a sandwich?”