A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

Dear Heiress, Arab Nation or Captain of Industry,

You’re looking well, and I hope this fundraising letter finds you filthy rich as always. It’s been a helluva six years, hadn’t it? We’ve really had this country by the short hairs. And now, with your megadonation of $10 million to $20 million, we can rewrite history by building our $500 million George W. Bush Presidential Library. Sure, it sounds like a lotta loot, but isn’t our legacy worth it? We’ll have fancy buildings, call the place a "think tank" or "institute" and bribe some influential people into writin’ articles that call me "The Great Decider."

Heiress, Arab Nation or Captain of Industry, I don’t have to tell you how important your millions are—we been there before when I was governor of Texas. And just look how your fortune paid off. So without any further a doo-doo, I promise that your check will guarantee the same great tax breaks, global warming, oil revenues, no-bid contracts, war profiteering, torture, wiretapping, Medicare bilking, education cutting and deficit spending that you’ve come to depend on. We’re in the final stretch. With your help, we can start WW III, end social security and bankrupt this country together. I know I can count on you.

Sincerely,
George W. Bush
The Prez

NEW HEAD OF REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS ADVISES BUSH AGAINST PULLOUT

The administration’s newly appointed chief of family planning programs, Eric Keroack, told the President that contraceptives are demeaning to women and that pulling out is immoral. President Bush agreed. “Any sort of withdrawal would prevent the birth of democracy,” the President said. “I’m not going to pull our troops off the battlefield and go off half-cocked before the mission is complete. Freedom is on the rise, and that would be counter-reproductive.”

SCHWARZENEGGER TRADES IN HUMMER FOR UNICYCLE

In an overture to reduce the greenhouse gases that cause global warming, California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has traded in his Hummer for a unicycle. “The thinking behind fossil fuels is from the stone age,” the environmentally progressive Governor said. “With the exception of my prodigious muscles, ‘less’ is the new ‘more’. And to set an example for all of Cal-ee-for-nee-ya, I will be traveling behind my limo motorcade on just one wheel. And in four years, if they haven’t amended the constitution that would allow me to be president, I can join Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey."

DON'T CRY FOR THE BUSH TWINS, ARGENTINA

The U.S. Embassy has asked the Bush twins, who are in Buenos Aires celebrating their 25th birthday, to leave the country at once. “Jenna and Barbara have exhibited embarrassing behavior in many respectable tango bars throughout the city,” said a top diplomat. “It is obvious these girls lack the passion, coordination, artistry and necessary shoes to shine at this subtly nuanced, nationally revered dance. And their failure to discern their left from their right is proof that the apples don’t fall far from the tree. So it is in the best interest of both countries for the twins to leave before they permanently imperil diplomatic relations."

JESSE JACKSON TO HAVE ‘N-WORD’ DISCUSSION

Jesse Jackson said that black leaders will challenge the entertainment industry to stop using the racial slur that triggered the Michael Richards scandal and will meet with TV networks, film companies and musicians to discuss the "n-word." When asked his opinion, Senator Trent Lott thought it was a bad idea. “If we stop using that one, soon they’ll be after us to give up ‘kike’, ‘spic’, ‘wop’, ‘chink’, ‘Jap’, ‘camel jockey’, ‘towelhead’, ‘faggot’ and ‘bull dyke’. Why waste all those perfectly good words just to alleviate ‘nigger’?

THE POPE CLARIFIES INSULT BEFORE ARRIVING IN TURKEY

As the papal visit gets underway in Turkey this week, thousands of protesters in Istanbul have made it clear that Pope Benedict is not welcome there. Two months ago, the pope sparked protests in the Muslim world by quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor who called some of the teachings of the Muslim Prophet Muhammad "evil" and "violent." Today, the pope clarified his previous statement by saying the 14th century emperor he quoted was referring to the Prophet Muhammed’s ‘Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee’ teachings. "Savagely punching people over and over until they collapse is evil and violent," said the pope. “The Byzantine emperor makes a good point."

WHITE HOUSE SAYS IRAQ NOT IN CIVIL WAR

While the Bush administration admits there are some hints of unruly behavior occurring in Iraq, it claims these isolated incidents do not constitute a civil war. “We don’t want to pigeonhole a few suicide bombings, machine gun and mortar assaults and kidnappings as something more than they are,” said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "That's like saying all the falafel balls in a pita sandwich have rebelled and taken sides when it's really just a few bad garbanzo beans. Iraqis voted in free elections and went to the polls as one people, in one country, under one God. They are merely experiencing the growing pains of a burgeoning democracy.” "Snowy, you're doing one heckuva job," the President added.

PUTIN BLAMES EX-SPY’S DEATH ON A BLOWFISH

British authorities said the traces of radioactive material that apparently killed former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko, who was at odds with Russian President, Vladimir Putin, were found at a sushi bar where he ate just before falling ill. The Russian President called the death a tragedy and said that it was merely a result of blowfish poisoning. The sushi bar's KGB-trained sushi chef confirmed the report. “Just because blowfish was on special to ex-Russian spies that night, no one was putting gun to his head to eat it. He could have ordered California roll,” the KGB sushi chef said. “Vhat, he’s too good for fake crab? Vell, then he deserve to die.”

THE PRESIDENT HEADS TO JORDAN FOR MYSTERIOUS REASON

As the situation in Lebanon worsens, President Bush will go to Jordan next week to supposedly discuss speeding up the transfer of security responsibilities to the Iraqis—although his real motives are in question. One theory is that he is trying to reassert U.S. influence in the region and to prove that he hasn't lost control of the situation in Iraq to neighboring Syria and Iran. But a White House aide overheard the President telling National Security Advisor, Stephen Hadley, that he was going to Jordan because he likes their pastel, candy-coated almonds and wants to get some fresh off the tree.

BUSH GIVES THANKS AT CAMP DAVID

A gardener on the grounds of Camp David, where the President and Mrs. Bush are spending a quiet Thanksgiving holiday alone, said the President would not sit down for their Thanksgiving meal until his speechwriter arrived. After the writer’s brief visit, the President sat down, bowed his head and read to his wife, "Dear Lord, in our journey across the centuries, from a few tiny settlements to a prosperous and powerful nation, Americans have always been a grateful people. We are grateful for our beautiful land. We are grateful for a harvest big enough to feed us all. We are grateful for our freedom. We are grateful for our families. And we are grateful for life itself. Thank you, lord, for this bountiful feast we are about to receive. Amen." With a sigh, he said, “Phew. I’m grateful my prayer didn’t mention Iraq.”

THE PRESIDENT PARDONS TWO TURKEYS

President Bush told reporters outside the White House Wednesday, "This morning, I am granting a full presidential pardon to these two bald-headed birds, sparing them from the fate of the chopping block.” A humiliated Dick Cheney and Karl Rove said that while the pardon protects them legally, the Military Commissions Act would have done the same thing—only without a full-blown, finger-pointing ceremony in the Rose Garden.

CHENEY GOES TURDUCKEN HUNTING

Vice President Dick Cheney went turducken ("TURkey-DUck-chiCKEN") hunting yesterday for his family’s Thanksgiving dinner delicacy of a de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken. The Vice President was accompanied by a group of NRA lobbyists who were teaching him how to use a new type of gun designed to shoot through three birds at once, when properly aligned. Cheney was heard telling them, “I don’t give a flying f***k how many birds I kill to get the damn turkey, duck and chicken, but I don’t have a lot of time, so let’s get the show on the road.” As three lobbyists stood in a row, Cheney, in his haste, shot them in the face. While an ambulance rushed the lobbyists off to the hospital, an unfazed Cheney continued fowl hunting. The lobbyists are said to be recovering at the Bethesda Naval Hospital, and the Vice President is purportedly peeved that the turkey eluded him, and his family would be eating ducken on Thanksgiving.

MICHAEL RICHARDS BLAMES SIMPSON AND MURDOCH FOR ONSTAGE DEBACLE

Michael Richards, the comedian best known as Seinfeld’s “Kramer,” has sparked a firestorm for unleashing racial epithets onstage at a Los Angeles comedy club. He said remorsefully, “I am not a racist. When I was onstage, I was upset, thinking about O.J. writing that book and how he was getting a two-night TV special and that no one has offered me a TV special, and I’m funny. Anyway, right at the moment I was thinking how funny I was, an African American yelled out at me that I wasn’t funny, and I lashed out against him. When I told him that 50 years ago, we'd have him upside down with a f***ing fork up his ass,’ I was referring to O.J.—the murderer that Fox was going to reward with a two-night TV special that I would have killed for. As I seek anger management, my deepest apologies go out to the audience, the Goldmans and the Brown family.”

O.J. SIMPSON TO AXE RUPERT MURDOCH

Since Rupert Murdoch axed the O.J. Simpson book and Fox TV special that give a hypothetical account of his murder spree, it is said that the fuming, presumed-guilty killer is going to hypothetically axe Murdoch. Thug psychiatrist, Brentlin Roseword said, “Theoretically, Simpson made out like a bandit since he already received his paycheck, but it is a huge letdown for a narcissist of his caliber to be denied the attention he craves. For the past 11 years, he has proven to be a lazy, slacker of a murderer, resting on his laurels rather than going back out there and living up to his homicidal potential. But now, in order to stay in the limelight, he will have to hypothetically kill Murdoch as a way of saying, 'Look what I've done lately'. The media mogul should have considered the repercussions of his new ‘don’t axe, don’t tell policy’ before instituting it. But instead, he will hypothetically be pushing up daisies.”

REPUBLICANS THREATENED BY JOHN EDWARDS’ GOOD LOOKS

Top GOP strategists are said to be worried that the release of John Edwards’ new book and his planned appearances will bring more gay Republicans out of the closet, further shaming the party. “Just look at that pretty-boy smile of his,” a well-known, seemingly heterosexual, behind-the-scenes operative was heard telling a prominent Washington hit man. “If you knock out a few of those pearly whites and put some deep gashes into those chiseled cheekbones, we’ll be in business. And while you’re at it, get him to stop talking about poverty. That caring, sensitive crap doesn’t bode well for our ilk.”

KIRSTIE ALLEY ATTENDS TOM CRUISE’S WEDDING IN BIKINI

Scientologist, Kirstie Alley, arrived at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ wedding—held in the 15th-century castle of an Italian medieval town—in a stretch limo and tight bikini. In addition to the bride and groom, Alley was one of several celebrities to attend the Scientology-based ceremony in garb designed by Giorgio Armani—though hers was the only swimming attire. “After losing 75 pounds on the Jenny Craig diet, she appeared on Oprah last week in a bikini and liked the way she looked so much, she decided to give the wedding goers a repeat performance before she puts the weight back on at Thanksgiving,” said a Jenny Craig spokesman. “Wait, should I not have said that last part?”

BUSH LEARNS LESSON FROM VIETNAM

During President Bush’s visit to Vietnam this week, he said, “The lesson of Vietnam is that we left too soon. We can’t win the war on terror if we quit. People expect instant success in Iraq, but democracy takes time.” A White House maid overheard Laura Bush confiding to a friend, “The ‘democracy takes time’ paragraph that Karl wrote doesn’t sound like George at all. My husband is so impatient, he doesn’t even believe in foreplay. You couldn’t get an ear nibble, a French kiss or a breast caress out of that man if Dick Cheney held a gun to his head.”

A HUMBLED TRENT LOTT RETURNS TO POWER

Four years after racially insensitive remarks cost him the Senate’s top post, Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi reemerged to take the Republican Party’s second-highest Senate post as minority whip. “I realized I had offended a great many people, and I learned a valuable lesson four years ago,” said Lott. “Today, I am deeply aware that every human being has value, and I have the utmost respect for the diversity of this great nation. And to the African American people in particular—I want you to know that I have not used the word ‘nigger’ since my maid quit."

CHENEY’S LESBIAN DAUGHTER TO WED IN SOUTH AFRICA

Mary Cheney—the lesbian daughter of the Vice President, said she and her partner will get married in South Africa since the parliament has approved legislation that recognizes gay marriages. “I want to thank the African National Congress for freeing us from the shackles of sexual apartheid that the American government has imposed upon us with the Federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution,” she said. "It feels great to be gay today." Since Cheney’s father does not want to go to Africa or wish to be seen with homosexuals, it is said that Nelson Mandela will be giving the bride away.

BUSH CAUGHT COPYING DEMOCRAT'S NOTES DURING IRAQ STUDY GROUP

President Bush was said to have lost his attention span during the first Iraq Study Group meeting—the independent panel formed to assess the situation in Iraq. “First I saw him playing tic-tac-toe with himself,” said an anonymous Democrat group member—possibly Vernon Jordan. “Then I saw him throwing spitballs across the room. But when James Baker asked him a question and he didn’t know the answer, the President started looking over my shoulder and copying my notes. So just to mess with him, I wrote, 'I am the worst president in U.S. history.' A few minutes later, he whispered, 'You're the president now? I wish someone woulda told me.'”

MONICA LEWINSKI DRAFTED FOR 2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

The Republican National Committee has offered Monica Lewinski a seven-figure deal to appear in negative attack ads that will target Hillary Clinton in the 2008 presidential election. Prior to the RNC’s offer, a routine wiretap revealed Lewinsky telling a friend who was not Linda Tripp that she still harbored feelings for the ex President and that she would do anything to keep him away from Hillary. "If she becomes the President, he's never going to leave her," whined Lewinsky. “That self-serving bitch doesn’t deserve my Billy Goat!”

KENNEDY CREATES ANTI-NEPOTISM BILL

Rhode Island Congressman, Patrick Kennedy (D), is said to be crafting the Kennedy Anti-Nepotism Act—a bill that would prevent people from seeking office who have unfair advantage due to influential relatives. “If it weren’t for George W. Bush’s father, he would be working at a Dairy Queen,” Kennedy balked. “Now look what he’s done to our country.” Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton agreed. “The Bush reign has been incredibly deleterious, and my son’s bill would make sure that this type of inbred politicking never happens again,” said the Kennedy patriarch. “I’m with you 100%,” added Clinton. “Blood relations are no way to choose our elected officials.” Republican Senator, Elizabeth Dole, concurred.

OBAMA MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN BEING PRESIDENT OR OPRAH’S BITCH

In response to mounting pressure, Barack Obama must decide whether to run for the presidency in 2008 or answer to Oprah if he decides not to. “Oprah has been on him like ham hocks on collard greens to run,” said an Obama advisor. “You’d think that girl owned him or something. Did she learn nothing from ‘The Color Purple’?"

DEMOCRATS TO RESTORE CHECKS AND BALANCES

Future Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, told the President that Democrats intend to use their new power to scrutinize the administration and its policies. “The first order of business is congressional oversight since there have been no checks and balances in the last six years,” said Reid. “That’s not true,” responded the President. “I’ve made plenty of oversights and written lots of checks. If someone else has to balance ‘em, that’s not my problem.

SCHWARZENEGGER ENACTS PROPOSITION 69

In a potent speech following last Tuesday’s election, reelected Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reached out to women across the state. “You know my position on 69. This proposition will give thousands of you direct access to the Governor’s office and my huge legislative agenda. I’m pumped up and limber and ready to act on this seminal measure. So I say to the women of this great state: Unbutton your blouses. Cal-ee-for-nee-ya, here I come!”

MCCAIN CONSIDERS BID FOR WHITE HOUSE

It is said that Senator John McCain is considering a bid for the White House, but he would first like to know the going rate. “While the current President may have overpaid due to his family’s wealth, Senator McCain wants an idea of what the other bidders are willing to cough up before he simply blurts out a number,” said McCain’s chief advisor. “We already know Bill Frist is a spendthrift, and Hillary Clinton is a tightwad, but we’ll just have to wait and see. If we come in too low, he can always buy a few nights in the Lincoln bedroom.

KIM JONG-IL LEADS NOVEMBER 7TH CELEBRATION

North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Il—in four-inch heels and extra-hold hair pomade—exuberantly waved the North Korean flag in the main square of Pyongyang and declared November 7th, 2006 to be the end of an era for the imperialists. “Today, North Koreans will celebrate,” he exclaimed. “Kimchi and dog for everyone! Even for the three million starving peasants that I will never acknowledge.” Festivities are said to include a uranium-enriched fireworks show, a short-range missile program and a nuclear spectacular that will be facing west.

CHIRAC MAKES NOVEMBER 7th NEW FRENCH HOLIDAY

A giddy French President, Jacque Chirac, claimed that Tuesday’s election was a long-overdue rebuke of the American cowboy and that Bastille Day would no longer be the most celebrated French holiday. “Zees arrogant preseedent not only tried to ruin zee good name of zee French fry, he tried to give emperors a bad name too. But zose days are gone. Viva la France!” he told a roaring crowd at the Place de la Concorde in Paris. Holiday festivities are said to include feasting on Lame Duck A L’Orange and large servings of Napoleon.

FATHER WON’T ALLOW SON TO QUIT THE PRESIDENCY

It is said that President Bush has told his father he wants to quit his job, but that the elder Bush would not allow him to. “No son of mine is going to be a presidential dropout,” he said. “You’ll have a hard time getting on the boards of the big oil companies for the rest of your life. Is that the kind of future you want for yourself?” “But Rummy got to go,” the President whined. "It's not fair."

NANCY PELOSI READY FOR HOUSEWORK

In a conciliatory tone, President Bush said that soon-to-be House leader Nancy Pelosi is not only suitable for housework, he would sign off on her sweeping domestic agenda. “After she dusts and vacuums the Capitol, she can bring her Lemon Pledge and Dirt Devil over to the White House,” he said. “Then she can bake me some cookies. I hope she has a good recipe for Oreos.”

BUSH, CHENEY AND PELOSI DO LUNCH

President Bush invited the Vice President and the next Speaker of the House to lunch to discuss their new working relationship. While the White House chef served the President a slightly altered version of his usual peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and the Vice President received a subtle modification to his daily heart-healthy salad, he prepared a special arsenic-free Scallops Provencale for Pelosi. The chef was heard bragging to his staff that in about 24 hours, he would no longer be cooking for immature, unadventurous palates and that the elegant, soon-to-be next president was clearly someone he could work with.

RUMSFELD CANCELS PLANS TO SPEND CHANUKAH WITH THE TROOPS

The White House announced today that Donald Rumsfeld will not be spending the festival of lights with the troops in Iraq as planned since he is no longer the Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld expressed his regrets, saying that even though he isn’t Jewish, it would have been a morale booster to all the Jewish troops since he has a ‘feld’ in his name. “I was really looking forward to the festivities,” he said. “For eight nights, I planned to light the menorah, spin the dreidel and eat those chocolate coins. I hear Halliburton makes a hell of a potato latke."

BUSH SAYS HASTERT IS DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AND WILL CONTINUE TO LEAD HOUSE

After the Democrats swept the House on Tuesday, President Bush announced that Dennis Hastert was doing a fantastic job as House Leader, and that along with Cheney and Rumsfeld, he plans to keep the Republican-controlled House and Senate for the duration of his presidency. I’m going to stay the course with this Congress. I won’t cut and run. I’m no flip flopper. I’m the decider.”

DEMS PAID DIEBOLD TO GIVE ELECTION BACK

After the Republicans had their game plan in action for Diebold to steal the election, the Democrats came back in the final quarter to unsteal it with money gleaned from the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee. “All of that DSCC fundraising spam we sent out would have been in vain if we didn’t use the funds we raised to buy back our democracy, said Senator Charles Schumer, head of the committee. "Money talks louder than Karl Rove.”

FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT MONITORS NICARAGUAN ELECTION

Former U.S. President and third world country election observer, Jimmy Carter, went to Managua to monitor the Nicaraguan polls and ensure that their voting machines were not tampered with and that every vote was counted. “I saw no evidence of malicious code, overriding votes or voter suppression,” Carter said. “And there was no negative campaigning or dirty robocalling, either. The Nicaraguan election was the pillar of democracy.”

FORMER NICARAGUAN PRESIDENT MONITORS U.S. ELECTION

Former Nicaraguan President and Sandinista leader, Daniel Ortega, went to Ohio to monitor the polls and ensure that voting machines were not tampered with and that every vote was counted. “I saw Diebold technicians going in and out of the voting booths with their Philips’ screwdrivers all day long,” Ortega said. “And people were standing in line for 12 hours, but their names were not even on the voter rolls. U.S. officials should come to Nicaragua and see what an honest election is.”

DIEBOLD'S TEAM READY TO TAKE ELECTION

It’s the day that Karl Rove and Warren O’Dell, CEO of Diebold Inc.—the company that makes the electronic voting machines—have been preparing for all season. “Our hackers have been training around the clock, and they’re pumped up for the big game,” O’Dell said. “Our malicious code is robust, our ability to override votes is strong, and our tampering techniques have never been better. Karl Rove is a tough, disciplined coach. He led us to victory in the last two games, and we’re gonna take this one too. He’s been working the players pretty hard, but he told ‘em, ‘Win this for us, and you're going to Disneyland’."

BUSH FAMILY SNUBS PRESIDENT

In a growing trend of not wanting to be seen with the President, Governor Jeb Bush acted like he didn’t know George W. Bush when campaigning yesterday in Florida. He quickly turned the other way and headed for the Everglades. “Things are looking bad for the President,” said a reporter. “His own mother didn’t even offer him a tuna sandwich when he was in Kennebunkport on Saturday, and there were plenty to go around.” President Bush was said to be unfazed by the snubs, saying Jeb was simply trying to avoid receiving noogies from his older brother, and his mom was protecting him from mercury poisoning. He returns to his ranch in Crawford on election day, where his dog, Barney, is holed up in his doghouse, and Laura has locked herself in the bedroom.

CHENEY DOWNPLAYS TED HAGGARD SCANDAL

When asked by reporters how he thought the evangelical voters would take the latest scandal, the Vice President said, “This won’t affect the election at all. Plenty of people have bought methamphetamines without actually using them and had an innocent massage by a male escort, so it’s not an issue. Democrats actually use drugs and have gay sex. That’s why they’re weak on national security—they’re too stoned and horny to be effective. If the Democrats win, the terrorists win. It’s a no-brainer.”

SADDAM HUSSEIN CHOOSES CHICKEN AND RICE FOR LAST MEAL

After Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, he told Iraqi officials that for his last meal, he would like to eat the chicken American President and Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, served on a platter with hummus, babaganoush and tabbouleh salad. “I will gaze into the terror-filled eyes of the infidels as I feast on their live flesh and suck the warm marrow from their bones,” Hussein said. “But hold the pita. I’m watching my weight.”

CHRISTIAN LEADER CLAIMS HE ONLY HAD PENIS MASSAGE AND DIDN'T ENJOY IT

Ted Haggard says he did not have gay sex—he only had a massage on his penis, which he did not enjoy, as part of his physical therapy for a 2003 zipper accident. “If I had known that my penis therapist was a male escort, I would not have used his services for the past three years. I would have hired a legitimate penis therapist or simply used Vic’s VapoRub,” he said. “Oh well. You live, you learn, and you love Jesus.”

AS SENATE RACE TIGHTENS, LIEBERMAN CHANGES RELIGION

First, Joe Lieberman announced he would become an Independent to try to save his Senate seat. Now, as his Democratic opponent gains on him in the homestretch, Lieberman has announced that he has become a WASP. “A Jew in Connecticut is like a matzo ball in a watercress finger sandwich,” Lieberman said. “It’s just wrong. So I have given up Judaism for either the Presbyterian or Lutheran church—I forget which one. Now, along with my good friend, George W. Bush, I can focus on the war on torah.”

CLOSETED GAY CHRISTIANS START NEW POLITICAL PARTY

Closeted gay Christians have launched their own political party that espouses family values, tax cuts for the wealthy, and little government intervention other than to outlaw abortion, stem-cell research, gay marriage and sodomy in the privacy of one’s home. The Grand Ole Demagogues party—known as GOD—will have key operatives throughout the South and in swing-both-way states. The openly gay Log Cabin Republicans are said to vociferously oppose the new party, according to their spokesman. “Until they come out and say, ‘We’re gay, we love Tom DeLay, and we’re here to stay,’ they might as well be your average, garden-variety Republicans,” he said.

ROVE SWITCHED KERRY’S SCRIPT TO RUIN PUNCHLINE

Inside sources say that Karl Rove, in a desperate strategy to make up for the absence of his October surprise, had a White House page and professional pickpocket pose as a college student at Pasadena City College, where John Kerry was to give a speech. While the young man was speaking with Kerry before his speech, he furtively removed the speech from Kerry’s pocket and replaced it with Rove’s version, which deleted the final punchline about getting stuck in Iraq like Bush. After the news of the Kerry gaffe broke, Rove was seen at the White House giving Cheney a high-five, saying, “Yessss! The Roveinator still has it!” Cheney, however, said he’d give Rove a ‘C’ for that one and would have preferred an Al Queda attack.

ROVE MISSES DEADLINE FOR OCTOBER SURPRISE

Since Karl Rove spent more time than anticipated consulting with Diebold’s voting machine programmers for the November 7 election, he missed the deadline for the October Surprise the Republicans had promised their constituents. It is purported that Rove tried to pull an all-nighter October 30, on a last-minute plan to eradicate the states of Missouri, Tennessee, Virginia and New Jersey through Al Queda attacks, but no Al Queda operatives were available on such short notice. “What are we, Jiffy Lube?” an Al Queda spokesman sniped.”

BUSH BLAMES RISING VIOLENCE IN IRAQ ON RAMADA INN

“If it weren’t for the holiday of Ramada Inn,” Bush noted, “we wouldn’t have lost as many Americans last month. The Iraqi folks fast all day, and when you’re hungry, you get cranky. They shoulda just stayed in their rooms and cooled down. I heard the Ramada Inn has free ice.”

FAST FOOD RIVALS COMPETE TO ELIMINATE TRANS FAT

Competing fast food chains, KFC and Burger King have each claimed they are taking drastic measures to cut artery-clogging trans fat from their fried offerings. After KFC’s announcement, Burger King’s spokesman immediately told the press, “Big whoop. We’ve been working on that for two years. It might have been newsworthy if they said they were giving up deep frying and changing their name to Kentucky Boiled Chicken. Let’s see them do that.”