KATIE COURIC’S WRITER USES MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS THAN NECESSARY

CBS executives are attempting to dispel rumors that the writer for the Evening News is required to overpunctuate Katie Couric’s news scripts with a plethora of exclamation points and other personality-inducing cues. “I do add exclamation points where she should act extra perky,” admitted the writer, “but, for a real downer piece, I insert the little frowny face, so she’ll know to get serious and tighten that sphincter. However, I refuse to dot my eyes with little daisies, as she requested. What is this—Queer Eye for the News Guy?”