MARY CHENEY GIVES BIRTH TO HAL BURTON

Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, has given birth to a baby boy whom she is planning to bring up with her long-time lesbian partner, Heather Poe. The beaming Vice President and Mrs. Cheney visited Mary in the hospital and helped choose the name. While Hal Burton topped the Vice President's list, other names he suggested were Earl Derrick and Mo Rich. The couple will not say who the father is, but DNA samples point to either David Crosby, Karl Rove or the Vice President.

ALBERTO GONZALES TO HEAD WORLD BANK

In response to mounting pressure from both sides of the political spectrum, President Bush has asked Alberto Gonzales to step down as Attorney General. “As far as I’m concerned, Fredo didn’t do anything wrong,” said Bush. “But to appease all you cry babies, I have asked him to gather all his loopholes and to be on his way.” It is said that Bush has subsequently appointed Gonzales to replace Paul Wolfowitz as President of the World Bank. “I wanted someone who has a passion for lifting people out of poverty to lead this poverty-fighting institution, and I know Fredo is up to the task. He grew up a Mexican in San Antonio, so he knows a thing or two about subsisting on beans.” It is purported that the President has already appointed a successor to Gonzales’ old position and that Paul Wolfowitz will be the next Attorney General.

PAUL WOLFOWITZ PONDERS NEW CAREER

As Paul Wolfowitz prepares to step down as the head of World Bank, which is responsible for providing finance and advice to countries for the purposes of economic development and eliminating poverty, he is considering the following career options:

1. Loan officer in Afghanistan
2. Brinks driver in Darfur
3. Falafel stand owner on Gaza Strip
4. Pakistani cartographer
5. Iranian arms inspector
6. Starting war architecture firm with Henry Kissinger
7. Head of Jerry Falwell Ministries
8. Head of Walter Reed Army Hospital
9. U.S. Attorney General
10. Iraqi Prime Minister

FALWELL’S FLOCK FOLLOWS TED HAGGARD TO NEW CHURCH

In the event of Jerry Falwell’s death, many of his followers have decided to follow Ted Haggard to his new 'Church of the Unbiased Pious.' “I didn’t want to leave Jerry, out of loyalty,” said Mike Johnstern of Lynchburg, Virginia, who was holding hands with his Bible study buddy. “But Ted is homo friendly, and if he can be one, why can’t we?” “Ditto,” replied the buddy. “For the love of Jesus!” It is said that other latent or closeted Jerry Falwell homosexuals are also following suit. “It don’t do me no good to look like a big ol' dyke if I cain’t act on my looks,” said Betsy Stalwart. “If Jesus loves me this a way, then why cain't everyone else?” While some have been critical of Haggard's past, he defends his sexuality, as well as his decision to start the new church and to solicit Falwell’s followers. After receiving counseling for homosexuality, Haggard proclaimed he is “completely heterosexual,” and now he has proclaimed that Jerry Falwell is “completely dead.”

PUTIN AND RICE AGREE TO TONE DOWN RHETORIC

According to Russia’s foreign minister, Condoleeza Rice met Vladimir Putin to discuss growing rifts between Moscow and Washington and agreed that the rhetoric in US-Russian relations should be toned down. Here is a sample of the exchange that followed:

Rice: How ‘bout that Sanjaya?
Putin: Only in America.
Rice: We are a multicultural society.
Putin: I know. You still have our Yakov Smirnov.
Rice: That was his choice.
Putin: Of course. What Russian wouldn’t choose to live in Branson, Missouri?
Rice: He has his own theatre.
Putin: I will vote for Jordin Sparks. Maybe she will go to Branson too.
Rice: Wise choice.
Putin: The number is toll free, right?
Rice: Yes. Or you can send a text message.
Putin: Maybe I'll vote twice.
Rice: I'll make sure she pays a visit to Russia if she wins.
Putin: I will mark my Kremlin calendar.
Rice: We are good then?
Putin: We are good.

QUEEN NOT AMUSED AT BUSH’S FART JOKE

A source inside the White House said that in honor of the Queen’s visit, the President saved his best fart joke for their white-tie state dinner. The President’s mother, Barbara Bush, in attendance, apologized afterwards to Her Majesty and said that she had hoped her son would behave himself. “He’s a good boy, but sometimes I have to separate him from the other boys,” said Mrs. Bush. “I think Karl and Dick are a bad influence.” As the state dining room brimmed with white roses, vermeil centerpieces and pearl-handled flatware, the Queen replied tartly, “Then give him a time out. Flatulent humor is not my cup of tea.” Since no one would repeat the joke, it is said that the producers of “The Aristocrats” are already working on a documentary about it and will interview many of the state dinner attendees. 

ROVE AND CHENEY SAY MOTHER NATURE JUST GOING THROUGH ‘THE CHANGE’

Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have teamed up against Sheryl Crow and Laurie David to attack their heated position on global warming. “This bunk about climate change is merely the Hollywood elite’s scourge du jour,” said Rove. "Mother Nature is merely going through menopause. She may not look as good in a bikini as she once did, but she can still tan like a super model.” The Vice President concurred. “Blaming her erratic, irrational behavior on fossil fuels is like a woman with PMS telling her husband it’s his fault for her feeling bloated. That's why our good friends at Bristol-Myers Squibb have teamed up with Halliburton to provide an effective hormone replacement therapy program for the remainder of Mrs. Earth's life—at the U.S. government's expense."

CASTRO BEQUEATHS COUNTRY TO DOCTOR

Covert sources have confirmed that Fidel Castro, in his failing health, would like to reward his stomach doctor for his long-term care, so in lieu of a financial reward, the dictator has bequeathed him his country. The physician, known in Cuba as simply, "Castroenterologist,” will one day swap his surgical scrubs for army fatigues as he leads the country’s next revolution. It is said that Fidel’s brother, Raul—once thought to be the heir apparent to the dictatorship—will instead receive the secret Castro family recipe for fried plantains.

WHITE HOUSE CELEBRATES FOURTH ANNIVERSARY OF ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’

As President Bush and members of his administrations were about to leave Washington for the fourth-anniversary celebration of his "Mission Accomplished'' ceremony, he received the war spending bill that he promised to veto. While Republicans claim the Democrats were trying to sabotage their long-awaited masquerade ball, the Dems claim the timing is a coincidence. “We did not consciously try to stop their masquerade,” said Nancy Pelosi. “But we have no control over Congress’ subconscious.” The masquerade ball was to take place on an aircraft carrier in San Diego. The President was to dress up as a Navy pilot, the Vice President and Karl Rove were to wear co-pilot costumes, and the First Lady and Secretary Rice were to go as USO girls.