PRIEST CLAIMS HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC AND WAS MOLESTED BY A REPUBLICAN

Father Dominic DeNomo came forward yesterday to announce that when he was an altar boy, a prominent Republican in his church inappropriately touched him. “At the time, I thought he was teaching me about hygiene,” the priest said. “But now that I think about it, I had already showered. As a result, I am guilty of imbibing in an ungodly amount of Fra Angelico and of giving young Republicans hands-on demonstrations on cleanliness. I tell them it’s next to godliness, and they're hooked. It’s a vicious cycle.”