JACK ABRAMOFF CLAIMS HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC AND WAS MOLESTED BY A RABBI

Scandal-plagued Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff said that he’s certain his life would have turned out differently if Rabbi Isadore Goldfarb had not accidentally dangled his tallis over Abramoff’s crotch while reaching for a prayer book during Shabbos services. “While it may not legally be considered a fully intentioned fondle,” Abramoff rationalized, “it left an indelible emotional scar at an early age that deprived me of a meaningful relationship with the Talmud, thus impairing my ethical judgment. Needless to say, I started drinking an ungodly amount of Manischewitz—even when it wasn’t Passover.