Tuesday, December 26, 2006

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES SEEN CRUISING IN WASHINGTON'S RED LIGHT DISTRICT

Political strategists say that since this will be the first campaign in which all serious candidates for the presidential nomination will opt out of the public-financing system in order to raise an unlimited amount on their own, a red light district has been established in Washington to solicit funds. Hillary Clinton was seen strolling suggestively in a red silk negligee as Senator Barry O’Bama (formerly Barack Obama) was provocatively packing a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs. Senator John McCain was cruising in a Hugh Hefner-style velvet smoking jacket, while former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani showed off his assets in a spandex G-string with a see-through mesh pouch. Sources say that a man in a big hat, trench coat and feather boa will be in charge of safekeeping their funds.

PETA DEMANDS DARFUR CHANGE ITS NAME TO "DAR FAUX FUR"

People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals has taken to the region of Darfur with picket signs, demanding that the government add “faux” before “fur” to the official name. “While we are aware that 'Darfur' is only a moniker, and no animals are harmed when the word is spoken, it propagates the senseless and irresponsible use of ‘fur’,” said a PETA spokesperson. "When will the world, once and for all, take notice of this cruel connotation and set these poor letters free?”

Monday, December 25, 2006

PRESIDENT BUSH RENAMES CHRISTMAS AFTER HIMSELF

It is reported that when President Bush found out that Turkmenistan’s newly deceased President Saparmurad Niyazov had renamed the months of January, April and September after himself, his mother and the Ruhnama—a history and spiritual guide he is said to have written—George W. Bush decided to change “Christmas” to “Bushmas.” Tony Snow said in a statement, “Though the President has always been a true believer in Christ, he feels very strongly that the world changed after September 11th, and today there is a new savior to celebrate.” Bush is also said to be changing his birthday to December 25th.

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL JEB BUSH TO CHANGE NAME

Jeb Bush’s presidential exploratory committee has concluded that his commander-in-chief aspirations will be quashed as a result of his current lineage, and that his only recourse would be to change his name and have a complete identity makeover. In addition to hiring a think tank to develop a name that will appeal to a broad demographic, John Ellis Bush (Jeb) has hired a Hollywood scriptwriter to flesh out his back story and a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon to flesh out his appearance. It is said that his new identity is currently on hold, however, due to the scriptwriter’s demand for future presidential royalties.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

GROUPS SPEAK OUT ON BARACK OBAMA’S NAME CHANGE

News of Barack Hussein Obama’s name change to Barry H. O'Bama has sparked a furor from many international groups. Listed below are some of their suggested names:

Baruch (Barry) H. Obamawitz (Jews)
Osama Obama (Al Queda)
Barack O’Bomber (Jihadists)
Hussein (Sunnis)
The Politician Formerly Known as Hussein (Shi’a)
Bertie O’Bama (Irish)
Bertie O’Bomber (IRA)
Busta Obama (African Americans)
Brahma Obama (Hindis)
Benito Obamolini (Italians)
Boris Obamanov (Russians)
Llama Obama (Peruvians)
Barack Hudson (Gay Men’s Chorus of L.A.)

Thursday, December 21, 2006

BUSH ADMITS WE'RE NOT WINNING WAR

President Bush said for the first time that the United States is not winning the war in Iraq. “To be honest, I hadn’t been paying attention to the score. I figured the referees were doing that," he said. "I mean, when you got the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders out there on the field, it's kinda hard to keep your eye on the ball, if you know what I mean. And after the halftime show, who wants to look at numbers. Uh, don't mention those cheerleaders to Laura."

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

TOM DELAY SAYS SENATOR TIM JOHNSON SHOULD HAVE FEEDING TUBE REMOVED

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay—one of the most outspoken opponents of removing Terri Schiavo's feeding tube after being brain dead for over a decade—has called for doctors to remove South Dakota Democratic Senator Tim Johnson’s feeding tube as he recovers from brain surgery. “While the outcome of the Senate majority hangs in the balance, and though the Republican Governor of South Dakota will choose Johnson’s replacement if he is unfit to serve, my decision to take up this cause was not based on partisan politics,” said DeLay. “I just feel that after a full week, Senator Johnson’s family and the people of South Dakota have been through enough.”

Monday, December 18, 2006

INDIANA SENATOR SAYS BA BAYH TO PRESIDENCY

Democratic Senator Evan Bayh of Indiana, who had prepared for years to seek the presidency, announced in a statement that he would not run. He indicated that an extra dose of charisma and leadership qualities are in great demand at this time and that it would be hard to compete with Barack Obama's star power and Hillary Rodham Clinton's huge fundraising machinery. “At the end of the day, I realized that my new gold tooth and penis enlargment would not be enough," he said. “I just hope I can still use them as write-offs.”

Thursday, December 14, 2006

JEB BUSH CONSIDERS RUN IN '08

President Bush’s younger brother and Governor of Florida, is said to be considering a run for the White House in 2008. These are his top 10 possible campaign slogans:

1. I'M NOT WITH STUPID

2. I WAS BORN A BUSH AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY STATE

3. MY FAMILY KILLED THIS COUNTRY, NOW I GET A SHOT

4. MY MOTHER WASN’T ON CRACK WHEN SHE HAD ME

5. I HELPED STEAL FLORIDA—THINK WHAT I COULD DO FOR YOU

6. MY BROTHER WAS ADOPTED

7. I’M READY FOR MY INHERITANCE

8. ANOTHER BUSH TO THE RESCUE

9. THE NEW-AND-IMPROVED WAR-TIME PRESIDENT

10. ONE LAST NAIL IN THE COFFIN

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

MICHAEL RICHARDS TO SPEND FESTIVUS WITH THE TROOPS

Michael Richards will spend Festivus—the holiday introduced on Seinfeld—with a platoon of mostly African American troops in Iraq, his publicist said. “Since Kwanzaa was already booked by Condoleezza Rice, this was his next choice. Michael lives by the tenets of this nondenominational, unmaterialistic holiday, with its slogan, “A Festivus for the rest of us.” Not only is an aluminum pole used in lieu of a Christmas tree, the holiday includes the 'Airing of Grievances,' in which each person tells everyone all the ways they've disappointed him or her over the past year. Ummm…I just remembered my client has a previous engagement and will not be able to attend the festivities.”

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

CONDOLEEZZA TO SPEND KWANZAA WITH THE TROOPS

Condoleezza Rice is expected to spend the week of Kwanzaa with the troops in Iraq, and it is said that in anticipation of her historic trip, she has hired a language tutor. “I think it is of the utmost importance in today’s geopolitical reality to be multilingual,” she told CNN. Later, she was heard practicing: “Yo, homies, I just be comin’ down here to Eye rack to be chillin’ wich you. Thought I’d check out yo crib. Fo reals, it’s da bomb. Now get yo nasty ass over here, and let's partay."

Monday, December 11, 2006

CONGRESS CONSIDERS NEW BILL TO CURB MASTURBATION

The Bush administration’s new Head of Reproductive Rights has been a vociferous critic of birth control and a staunch spokesman for abstinence. Now he is pressuring the administration to introduce a bill designed to curb masturbation. The prickly Hustler Magazine publisher, Larry Flynt, told a cool-as-a-cucumber, Larry King, “This proposal of mandatory mitten wearing is an underhanded way of whacking away at the constitution. The ‘No Hand Left Ungloved’ law is just one more example of how this administration is trying to systematically destroy recreational sex.” When asked her position on the touchy subject, Hillary Clinton said, “I think Americans should be able to masturbate, but they shouldn’t enjoy it.” Afterwards, her advisor was heard telling her, “You straddled that just right.”

Sunday, December 10, 2006

BUSH NOMINATES MICHAEL BOLTON FOR U.N. AMBASSADOR

After John Bolton announced he would step down as U.N. Ambassador, President Bush declared he would nominate Michael Bolton to take his place. “Not only do we already have half the words right on his U.N. nameplate, he represents a diverse group of folks, which is what the U.N. is all about,” said the President. “He’s worked with Patti LaBelle, Babyface, Ray Charles and B.B. King, so we know he can get along with the Africans. Then there’s Barbra Streisand, Kenny G and Bob Dylan, so he’s good with the Jews. And he sung with Plácido Domingo and Luciano Pavarotti, so we got the Italians covered. I don’t know of any Bulgarians he’s performed with, but I’m sure if the job ever requires him to go to Bulgary, he’ll be up to the task.”

Saturday, December 09, 2006

MEMBERS OF IRAQ STUDY GROUP SIGN EACH OTHERS' YEARBOOKS

It is said that when a dewy-eyed Iraq study group convened for the last time, they wistfully signed each others’ copies of the final document. Edwin Meese III wrote to Lawrence Eagleburger: “I can’t believe this year went so fast! Mr. Baker never even noticed when we showed up late with bloodshot eyes!” Sandra Day O’Connor wrote to Alan Simpson: “Al, this was the best year ever! Call me! Love ya, Sandy.” And Leon E. Panetta wrote to Vernon Jordan: “I’ll never forget how much trouble we got into, sitting in the back, cracking all those Bush jokes! And we're the 'study' group! Ha ha!" A source close to the group said now that their term paper is done, they will hang out at the National Mall.

Friday, December 08, 2006

VICE PRESIDENT SAYS LESBIAN DAUGHTER IS NOT PREGNANT AFTER ALL

As White House operatives escorted Mary Cheney to a back alley where an unnamed man in a surgical mask and gloves was waiting, Dick Cheney told the press corps that his daughter was not pregnant after all. "It turns out the e.p.t.® pregnancy test was a false positive," the Vice President said. "My daughter will not be having a child. She realizes it is not in the best interest of the party…I mean...of the child...rather...'a' child...to grow up with two mothers. Love and an Indigo Girls album can’t replace a mom and a dad.”

Thursday, December 07, 2006

JAMES BAKER REMORSEFUL FOR STEALING 2000 ELECTION

When asked if he had any regrets over manipulating the outcome of the 2000 presidential election, a contrite James Baker said, “If I had known I would have to clean up Dubya’s mess, I would have let Gore win. At the time, I thought Gore was too stiff, and I would have rather had a beer with Dubya. But when I found out he was on the wagon and drinking O’Doul’s, I knew I made a grave mistake. But I had already given the Supreme Court their gift baskets, and it was a done deal.”

IRAQ STUDY GROUP’S TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS

1. Florida recount for 2000 election
2. Ohio recount for 2004 election
3. Pacemaker recall for Dick Cheney’s model
4. Raise war funds by selling the DVD, “Abu Ghraib Gone Wild”
5. Send the Bush twins to Sadr City as goodwill ambassadors
6. Send Mary Cheney and her lesbian lover to live with the Taliban
7. Send U.S. evangelicals to Iraq, and the Sunnis and Shias will team up to oppose them
8. Give Dick Cheney a rifle and tell him there’s a bird near the President
9. Give Dick Cheney a rifle and tell him there’s a bird on his chest
10. Have President Pelosi begin immediate troop withdrawal

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

TACO BELL PATRONS MAKE A RUN FOR THE BORDER

Taco Bell has closed nine of its fast-food outlets in New Jersey and New York, due to an outbreak of E. Coli that sickened and hospitalized a number of its customers. Epidemiologists are still searching for the origin of the contamination but have narrowed it down to the tacos, burritos, gorditas, chalupas, nachos, Enchiritos®, quesadillas, tostadas, taco salads, Mexican pizzas, Crunchwrap Supreme®, Meximelt® and all side dishes. “After I ate a 7-Layer Burrito, I had intense diarrhea, abdominal cramps and projectile vomiting,” said a nauseous customer. “I just thank God I wasn’t in New Jersey or New York where the E. Coli outbreak was.”

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

JOHN BOLTON QUITS U.N. POST TO APPEAR IN “GOT MILK” CAMPAIGN

The prickly-tempered, mustachioed John Bolton told President Bush that he would step down as U.N. Ambassador for personal reasons. While most people speculated it was because he knew he would not get Senate approval, an inside source said that it was because he got an offer to appear in the "Got Milk" ad campaign, and the photographer promised to introduce him to a bevy of top models. “I’m tired of looking at Kofi Annan," Bolton told the source. "He is butt fugly. And I’m not getting any younger. This could be my last shot at a menage a trois.”

Monday, December 04, 2006

SUPREME COURT JUSTICES FIGHT OVER GLOBAL WARMING

Last week, the Supreme Court had to confront the issue of global warming for the first time, hearing a challenge to the Bush administration's refusal to regulate emissions of greenhouse gases in new vehicles. During questioning, Justice Breyer told Justices Scalia and Thomas, "If you had let the real president take office, all that hot air from the White House wouldn't be polluting the ozone.” A peeved Antonin Scalia looked up from his crossword puzzle and shot back, "Bite me, Breyer. Al Gore put you up to this, didn’t he? Sore winner…I mean loser.” "Ditto," said the taciturn Thomas.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

WHITE HOUSE SOLICITS PROMINENT HISTORIANS FOR LEGACY CAMPAIGN

Dear Esteemed Historian,

Would you like to enhance your reputation while you help shape history? Then sign up now for one of these glowing accolades of
George W. Bush for our legacy marketing materials.

“The best president in U.S. history”
—Your name here

“The most decisive leader since FDR”
—Your name here

“The most eloquent orator since JFK”
—Your name here

“The most honest public servant since Abraham Lincoln”
—Your name here

“The most deserving president since John Quincy Adams”
—Your name here

A high-profile career opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime. Act now to secure your heartfelt words, and we'll throw in a free night in the Lincoln bedroom.* **

Sincerely,
The White House Public Relations Department

*Cash prizes included
**Prostitutes available upon request

Friday, December 01, 2006

BUSH HIRES GHOSTWRITER TO REWRITE HISTORY

It is said that in addition to planning a $500 million George W. Bush Presidential Library, the President has hired a ghostwriter to enhance his legacy. The President’s choice of the O.J. Simpson "If I Did It" writer will purportedly give a hypothetical account of “The Great Decider’s” many historic achievements that were all selflessly enacted for the betterment of mankind. The ghostwriter apparently exulted in his new job, telling a friend, “Written one murderer’s account, written ‘em all. There are so many similarities between the two, it should be a straight cut and paste.”