MATTRESS SALES RISE DUE TO GROWING DISTRUST IN FUTURE

As a result of the public’s growing distrust in the future of social security, the world’s financial markets and the reliability of the FDIC, mattress sales are reportedly soaring. “In the past, purchasing decisions were predicated on box-spring action and overall comfort level,” said Ned Landis, general manager of the Lazy Snoozin’ mattress chain. "But today’s buyers are choosing models like the Moola King, which has a 100% goose down money vault built in. There are a number of trim levels to choose from that will best accommodate the buyers’ income level, from a day laborers’ slim wages to the media moguls’ bulky salary. Of course, the granddaddy of them all includes a deluxe Valium dispenser and mini bar.”