KURT WALDHEIM REMEMBERED

Kurt Waldheim, the former UN secretary general with a Nazi past, has died at the age of 88. Some of his colleagues remember him as follows:

“We were friends since our Hitler youth days, and I have fond memories of him from summer SS camp.”
—Pope Benedict XVI

“He inspired my love for hatred.”
—David Duke, white supremacist

“He was a great mentor and taught me the virtues of propaganda and fearmongering.”
—Dick Cheney

“My strategies are a love letter to his regime.”
—Karl Rove

“He was the life of the party.”
—Paris Hilton

“Never heard of him.”
—George W. Bush

GONZALES GETS VOTE OF CONFIDENCE

Republicans blocked a Senate no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, rejecting a symbolic Democratic effort to force him from office amid heightened criticism from lawmakers in both parties. “I am pleased that the Senate has such unwavering confidence in Fredo,” said the President. “I have always had confidence in him, will continue to have confidence in him and am confident that the Congress will continue to have confidence in this Attorney General. But I’m the confider, and who the nation has confidence in is ultimately up to me.”

BUSH MAKES PAPAL FAUX PAS

President Bush drew gasps at the Vatican on Saturday by referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "Mr. Pope” instead of the expected "His Holiness," according to reporters. When the pontiff asked him if he was going to meet with officials of the lay Catholic Sant'Egidio community at the US embassy during his visit, the US leader was heard to say, "Mr. Pope, sounds like a plan." In addition, the President apparently greeted a cardinal in the corridor with, "Nice robe. How’s it hangin'?” White House spokespersons have refused to comment on the President’s casual vernacular except to say that George W. Bush has always been a man of the papal.

BUSH PARDONS PARIS HILTON

After pressure from many Republicans to pardon Scooter Libby, President Bush has settled on Paris Hilton instead. “Ms. Hilton should not be faulted for her drinking problem,” he said. "Many people who enjoy one too many go on to become the president. If I had been behind bars instead of in the bar, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am confident that one day, President Hilton and the nation will thank me." When Mr. Libby requested the same treatment as Ms. Hilton, President Bush responded, "I would have considered it if he had downed a couple bottles of Cuervo and woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse, but unfortunately, I don’t see any future for him as the president now.”

LENIENCY LETTERS SENT TO LIBBY’S JUDGE

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison Tuesday for lying and obstructing a CIA leak investigation. Many had written letters asking for leniency on his behalf. Here are some excerpts:

"I think the name 'Scooter' has been punishment enough."
—Alberto Gonzales

“Neocons don’t go to jail.”
—Donald Rumsfeld

“He has paid his debt to society and never used ‘pay pal’.”
—Paul Wolfowitz

“That was nothing. You want to see some real crimes?”
—Henry Kissinger

“It's too dangerous for him in here. He'll need a rectum repair kit his first day.”
—Jack Abramoff

“His only problem was he lacked greed, and that is not a crime.”
—Ivan Boesky, former Wall Street insider trader

“He couldn't have done it. He wasn’t even wearing a glove.”
—O.J. Simpson

“A day without hairspray would be cruel and unusual punishment.”
—Phil Specter

“But he totally passed the breathalizer."
—Paris Hilton

“He was a fine chief of staff, and he’ll be an exemplary prisoner.”
—Dick Cheney