RUMSFELD TORTURES DETAINEES AFTER LUNCH

After eating a large bowl of four-bean chili for lunch, Donald Rumsfeld subjected his subordinates at the Pentagon to hours of olfactory torture. “I told you, I won't cut and run," said the Defense Secretary. A traumatized file clerk uttered, “It smelled worse than Abu Ghraib.” Another detainee lamented, “I just know he's going to get away with this when it clearly defies the Geneva Conventions.” The Office of Homeland Security declined to intervene after Rumsfeld said with a smirk, "Tomorrow I'm having egg salad.”