FALWELL’S FLOCK FOLLOWS TED HAGGARD TO NEW CHURCH

In the event of Jerry Falwell’s death, many of his followers have decided to follow Ted Haggard to his new 'Church of the Unbiased Pious.' “I didn’t want to leave Jerry, out of loyalty,” said Mike Johnstern of Lynchburg, Virginia, who was holding hands with his Bible study buddy. “But Ted is homo friendly, and if he can be one, why can’t we?” “Ditto,” replied the buddy. “For the love of Jesus!” It is said that other latent or closeted Jerry Falwell homosexuals are also following suit. “It don’t do me no good to look like a big ol' dyke if I cain’t act on my looks,” said Betsy Stalwart. “If Jesus loves me this a way, then why cain't everyone else?” While some have been critical of Haggard's past, he defends his sexuality, as well as his decision to start the new church and to solicit Falwell’s followers. After receiving counseling for homosexuality, Haggard proclaimed he is “completely heterosexual,” and now he has proclaimed that Jerry Falwell is “completely dead.”