CHRISTIAN LEADER CLAIMS HE ONLY HAD PENIS MASSAGE AND DIDN'T ENJOY IT

Ted Haggard says he did not have gay sex—he only had a massage on his penis, which he did not enjoy, as part of his physical therapy for a 2003 zipper accident. “If I had known that my penis therapist was a male escort, I would not have used his services for the past three years. I would have hired a legitimate penis therapist or simply used Vic’s VapoRub,” he said. “Oh well. You live, you learn, and you love Jesus.”