CHENEY DOWNPLAYS TED HAGGARD SCANDAL

When asked by reporters how he thought the evangelical voters would take the latest scandal, the Vice President said, “This won’t affect the election at all. Plenty of people have bought methamphetamines without actually using them and had an innocent massage by a male escort, so it’s not an issue. Democrats actually use drugs and have gay sex. That’s why they’re weak on national security—they’re too stoned and horny to be effective. If the Democrats win, the terrorists win. It’s a no-brainer.”