Tuesday, January 30, 2007

ROVE ADVISES MCCAIN ON PRESIDENTIAL EXIT STRATEGY

An anonymous source told Fox News that Karl Rove has crafted a strategy that will allow John McCain to gracefully bow out of the presidential election since McCain doesn’t want to deal with Iraq. “Apparently, since no one believed in the President's troop surge, McCain aligned himself with Bush just to look like a maverick and get a doctrine named after him (the McCain Doctrine), but the charade didn't go as planned,” said the source. “So Rove paid a White House page with a phone camera to shoot a photo of McCain at the State of the Union that made it look like he was sleeping, and then he put amphetamines in Tim Russert’s water before McCain’s interview on ‘Meet the Press’ to make John look more lethargic and taciturn. And later in the year, McCain will announce that his doctor has advised him not to seek the presidency.” An exuberant McCain was overheard telling a friend that he feels great and is ready for his next career move as either a race car driver or stuntman.

Monday, January 29, 2007

IOWA CHANGES STATE SLOGAN

In anticipation of the 2008 presidential caucuses that will be held in Iowa, state leaders have changed their slogan from “The Corn State” to “The Butter-Up State.” Former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack said, “The candidates have been buttering up the people of this great state for thirty years, and we thought it was high time our slogan reflected that. Like most Iowans, I’ve had my butt kissed by the best of them. But now that I’m a candidate, I’ll be doing the buttering. I just hope I can live up to their obsequiousness.”

Sunday, January 28, 2007

HILLARY READS FROM NEW BOOK IN IOWA LIVING ROOM

During her first visit to Iowa before next year’s caucuses, Hillary Clinton is said to be building support for her candidacy one family at a time. She started out by reading from her new book, “It Takes A Cornfield,” to a packed living room in Des Moines. After sharing excerpts from the first chapter, she had a "Meet & Greet" with the Johnson family and their neighbors. Her spokesperson said Hillary served homemade cornbread, corn fritters and corn dogs that she whipped up in her hotel room. “I believe a woman’s place is in the home,” Mrs. Clinton told the residents. “That’s why I’m asking for your vote.”

Saturday, January 27, 2007

BILL CLINTON MAY BACK OBAMA

Since the rise of Barack Obama, many once-presumed-to-be Hillary Clinton supporters are now turning their backs on her. In addition to David Geffen, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Oprah Winfrey and George Clooney, Bill Clinton has expressed interest. The ex-president told Larry King, “I’m not saying for sure that he has my support, but I’m leaning that way. I can’t help it. The man has charisma. He’s so warm and personable. I feel a real connection with him, like I can really trust him. He makes me want to cuddle up next to him and have him tell me that everything’s going to be ok.”

Friday, January 26, 2007

HILLARY’S DRAMA COACH CALLS HER "A NATURAL"

In preparation for announcing her candidacy for the presidency, Hillary Clinton hired a prominent protégé of Lee Strasberg from the New York theater community. “When she first came to me, she knew her dialogue and I could see where her motivation was coming from, but she wasn’t exuding an emotional honesty,” said the drama coach. “Now, when she tells you she wants to start a conversation, you just want to cuddle up next to her in a fetal position and have her tell you that everything is going to be ok. I have to say, I’ve worked with Olivier, Brando, DeNiro, and Streep, and Hillary is up there with the best of them. I think right now, the country needs strong, maternal characters who can make us feel secure. I’m just glad I could help create one.”

Thursday, January 25, 2007

AN E-MAIL FROM HOWARD DEAN AND RAHM EMANUEL

Dear Concerned American,

We all know how reckless the President is being with this war. He will stop at nothing until he exhausts our military and bankrupts our nation. So, together, we have come up with a brilliant exit strategy, that frankly, someone should have thought of sooner. We will simply tell the President that we won. Please take a moment now to sign this petition:

TELL PRESIDENT BUSH WE WON THE WAR ON TERROR
http:///www.brilliantexitstrategy.com/petition

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations! That's great news that we won the war on terror! Thanks to you, our troops have spread democracy across the Middle East, and America is safer now. That means you can bring them home ASAP and start basking in your post-war glory.

Forever Grateful,
Your Name
Email address

Thank you for all you do.
Howard and Rahm

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

BUSH’S APPROVAL RATINGS SOAR AFTER STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

Just one day after the majority of Americans said they would feel safer if Osama bin Laden were running the country, President Bush is once again considered to be a smart, determined and caring leader, according to a top likeability pollster. “Radio listeners heard the uproarious applause he received, and television viewers saw the countless standing ovations he got from Congress and figured they couldn't all be wrong,” she said. Apparently, even his harshest critics were sold. “Did you hear him talk about energy independence? He’s a lean, green environmental machine,” proclaimed Al Gore. “It turns out he wants to save Darfur after all,” a teary Kofi Annan declared. “Finally, he’s going to make healthcare affordable for all Americans,” said an impressed Hillary Clinton. “I'm just glad he can't run for a third term, or I'd be in real trouble.”

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

86% OF AMERICANS THINK THEY WOULD BE SAFER IF OSAMA BIN LADEN WERE PRESIDENT

On the day of the President’s State of the Union address, a poll showed that a majority of Americans would feel safer with Osama bin Laden as their commander-in-chief. “Bin Laden never had to strut around on a boat with a sign telling you he got the job done,” said bricklayer Tom Johnson of Fort Wayne, Indiana. “You could see when his mission was accomplished. And it only took 19 soldiers for him to win. He’s a smart, efficient leader with a clear strategy. Plus, the suicide bombers got rewarded with 40 virgins for their sacrifice. What does Bush offer his troops? A chance to spread democracy throughout the Middle East. How stingy can you get?"

Monday, January 22, 2007

PROMINENT BLACK LEADERS WON’T COMMIT TO OBAMA

When asked if he thought America was ready for an African-American president, Colin Powell said yes, but not necessarily Barack Obama. “He doesn’t have military experience, he hasn’t been Secretary of State and he wasn’t born in the Bronx to Jamaican immigrants,” said Powell. Reverend Jesse Jackson agreed. “I think what’s missing from Obama’s résumé is preacher, civil rights leader and founder of the RainbowPush Coalition,” he said. Reverend Al Sharpton concurred. “Without having been a minister, a civil rights activist or the road manager for James Brown from 1973-80, I just don’t think he’s ready.”

Sunday, January 21, 2007

ALL OTHER NEWS ON HOLD WHILE HILLARY SEEKS PRESIDENCY

The world’s media outlets have confirmed that no other stories will be featured as long as Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is running for president. “There are probably other stories out there that are worth exploring,” said a senior correspondent for the New York Times, “but we’re competing with Hillary’s exploratory committee, and it’s full of heavy hitters. Some of us are even thinking of jumping ship to work for Rupert Murdoch’s new Hillary Channel. It may be a conflict of interest with his Fox News, but the bottom line is still the bottom line.”

NEW POLL SHOWS BUSH’S APPROVAL RATINGS BELOW HITLER’S

A Newsweek Magazine poll found that more than seven-eighths of Americans oppose President Bush's plan to send 21,000 more U.S. troops to Iraq. Consequently, for the first time in office, his approval ratings have sunk below Adolf Hitler’s. When asked what he thought about the comparison, the President said pointedly, “It takes a strong leader to do what’s in your heart and not what’s popular. Adolf had the courage to act on his convictions, and I admire that. He didn’t care about approval ratings or Poles.”

Saturday, January 20, 2007

HILLARY CLINTON CONSIDERS ALL OPTIONS TO WIN PRESIDENCY

Democratic Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her highly anticipated campaign for the White House, intent on occupying the residence she once lived in as first lady. “As my exploratory committee analyzes the focus group findings that will ascertain if America is ready for a female president, I stand before you, ready to lead,” she said from the Capitol. An anonymous source reported that if the focus group results prove negative, Clinton’s team is considering gender reassignment surgery for her. "Americans are ready for a change,” she proclaimed. “As we campaign to win the White House, we will make history and remake our future.” Bill Clinton is said to have readily approved of this last-resort strategy. “I wouldn’t really be cheating on her if I went out with other 'women,' then, would I?” he said, grinning.

Friday, January 19, 2007

HONDA DEBUTS FIRST ORGANIC CAR

Due to growing demand from consumers and Ed Begley Jr., Honda has created the first USDA certified organic car. It runs on organic corn fuel, the leather interior is from organic grass-fed cowhide, and the tires are from organic rubber trees. All steel, glass and plastic components are hormone, antibiotic and pesticide-free. And with the revolutionary OrganicSensor™, the car automatically discerns when it’s driving by an organic farm and honks. Honda’s R&D department is said to be working on a vegan version that will have an organic hemp interior, and Woody Harrelson is said to be first on the waiting list. “This is great. If I run out of weed, I can always smoke some armrest,” the actor said. The organic car is to be named the Ed, after Ed Begley Jr. (no relation to the Edsel), and the vegan version will be called the Woody, for Woody Harrelson (no relation to the classic Woody).

Thursday, January 18, 2007

A MEMO TO BARBARA BOXER FROM CONDOLEEZZA RICE

Dear Barbara,

In case you haven’t heard, you are a minority. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only 49% of the women in this country are married. That means the majority of us are living without a spouse. You think I’m not qualified to send other people’s children to war because I have none of my own. Next, you’ll say that since I have battery-operated toys in my bed stand, I shouldn’t have a say on reproductive rights (as if after 45 years of marriage, you're not tight with the Energizer bunny). Let me make myself clear. As the most influential woman in the world, I am qualified to send whomever I damn please to his or her death. And that kind of power does not come battery operated.

Single and lovin’ it,
Condi

JAMES BAKER RESIGNS AS DUBYA’S GODPARENT

James Baker, the lifelong friend of George H. W. Bush, announced that he would be resigning as George W. Bush’s godfather. “Though it was an incredible honor at his birth, recent events have demonstrated that I can no longer be an effective godfather to my godson, therefore I am giving my official two-week notice as his godparent,” he said in a private, untelevised Bush family press conference. “I just hope Jr. can find a new father figure to hit the ball around with and take him out for ice cream. He’s a real spunky kid, and it’s been an unforgettable 60 years.”

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

MCCAIN CONSIDERS LIEBERMAN FOR HIS RUNNING MATE

Republican Senator John McCain is said to be considering Independent Senator Joe Lieberman for his presidential running mate, and these are their top ten campaign slogans:

1. THE KINDER, GENTLER WARRIORS

2. MCCAIN AND UNABLE

3. DON'T TELL CHENEY THE HAWKS ARE COMING

4. KISSING UP FOR OUR COUNTRY

5. BENDING OVER FOR THE RIGHT

6. PALE 'N GRAY BUT WE’RE OKAY

7. THIS FROZEN SMILE IS FROM COLLAGEN

8. THE MAVERICK AND HAWK ROCK

9. TWO LEADERS, FOUR FACES

10. YOU'RE EITHER WITH US OR WITHOUT US

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

GOP FACTIONS MAY LEAD TO SECTARIAN VIOLENCE

After years of unbridled party devotion to President Bush, Congressional Republicans are suddenly fractured as members of the minority. Some have deserted the White House on Iraq, while others are bolting from their leadership on popular domestic issues. “This is a time that we might regret our lenient attitude toward firearms,” said Senator Chuck Hagel, a Republican ‘Shiite.’ Senator Trent Lott, a Republican ‘Sunni,’ strongly disagreed. “Guns are the only thing preventing us from killing each other in there, so don’t pooh-pooh my AK-47.” The two factions have been purportedly sitting in opposing sections of the Senate chamber and are wearing Kevlar body armor under their Washington business attire.

Monday, January 15, 2007

BUSH THANKS AFRICAN AMERICANS FOR THEIR SUPPRESSED VOTES

President Bush gave a speech on Martin Luther King Day that paid homage to the African Americans who had their votes suppressed in the last six years, providing him with enough votes to steal two presidential elections. “Without your sacrifice, the last two elections might have been a landslide for Gore and Kerry. And as we witnessed in the last election, you can’t steal one of those,” he said. “On this Martin Luther King Day, I want to reiterate that as your leader, I will continue the fight for racial justice and equality. And if you’re not on the voter roll in the next election, then what the hell. I'd call it a day and go home.”

CONGRESS PROPOSES SENDING 100,000 EVANGELICALS TO IRAQ

Rather than sending 21,000 additional troops to Iraq, Democratic Congress members have proposed sending 100,000 Evangelical Christians. “Since our military leaders have clearly proclaimed that it would take 100,000 troops or more to achieve victory, we think sending 100,000 Evangelicals makes perfect sense,” said an unnamed senator after a successful brainstorming session. “Due to their utter disdain for these devout Christians, the Sunnis and Shi’a will unwittingly team up to oppose them, ending the sectarian violence. And rather than the U.S. government having to institute an Evangelical draft, these Christians should voluntarily come forward and step up to the plate, since this is the flock that voted for the misguided shepherd.”

Sunday, January 14, 2007

SCHWARZENEGGER CONDONES TROOP SURGE TO AVOID SEX WITH WIFE

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told ABC’s George Stephanopoulos that he agreed with the President’s plan for a troop surge, even though it would put him in the doghouse with his Democratic wife. “I think we should give it everything in order to be victorious,” he said. “We can’t pull out of this war as losers. That would be disastrous. As the post-partisan Governor, I don’t try to please the conservatives or the liberals. I like to please the people. But pleasing Maria and her ravenous libido is another story. Since my skiing accident, I am in constant pain—even when she’s manning the ship. So to the 21,000 troops whose lives will be in peril so I don’t have to put out tonite, I say ‘thank you.’ And Cal-ee-for-nee-ya, if you need me, I’ll be on the couch.”

Saturday, January 13, 2007

SPEECHWRITER WANTED FOR THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Do you thrive in a dynamic team environment? Would you like to work with a cast of colorful characters in Washington’s Magic Kingdom? Then this is your dream job. Must have fertile imagination and the ability to embellish, fabricate and suspend disbelief. Rhapsodic rhetoric and patriotic prose required. Wild West meets Middle East allusions a plus. Phonetic writing skills essential. No polygraph or references required. EOE. Sorry, no health insurance or other benefits. Send resume to icanlie@monster.com

Friday, January 12, 2007

SPEECHWRITER LEAVES WHITE HOUSE

The White House speechwriter has suddenly resigned in order to pursue his own fiction-writing career. "Now that my fiction chops are up, I need to fly on my own two wings," said the speechwriter. "Having all these fantastic ideas like democracy spreading throughout the Middle East just given to me felt like cheating. I need to prove to myself that I can come up with stuff just as rich. But it was a damn good training ground for the political fantasy horror genre, and if I ever have writer's block, I can always come back." A spokesperson from the White House Human Resources department said the position would be filled shortly since a classified ad had been posted on monster.com.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

BUSH SPEECHWRITER ADDS FICTION WRITING TO HIS RESUME

In his address to the nation last night, President Bush announced that sending 21,000 American troops to Iraq will bring American forces home faster and help assure survival of Iraq’s democracy. “This stuff is a blast to write,” said the speechwriter. “I just use the President's delusions as a jumping-off point and let my imagination go wild. In fact, under his tutelage, I may have invented a whole new genre—political fantasy horror. I’m thinking of writing a romantic thriller for his next speech, though. It involves some pretzel choking and mouth-to-mouth action between the President and Secretary of State. Condi must decide whether it's in the best interest of the country to revive him or not. But I won't give away the ending.”

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

CHALABI ADVISES BUSH TO SEND MORE TROOPS

Ahmed Chalabi, the former Iraqi advisor to the U.S. who is currently under investigation by the government for giving false information that led up to the war, has been seen holding secret meetings with the President, said an anonymous source. “At first the President seemed kind of skeptical when Chalabi suggested sending 20,000 extra troops into Iraq. But when he told Bush he had nice hair and he liked his tie, the President started warming up to the idea. And when Chalabi proclaimed that the blue suit he was wearing would really bring out his eyes in his 'Mission Accomplished' portrait, the President was sold."

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

TROOP SURGE TO BE KNOWN AS "MCCAIN DOCTRINE"

Former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is running for the Democratic presidential nomination, recently referred to the plan for a troop increase as the "McCain Doctrine." Senator John McCain has not shied away from the label. "If it destroys any ambitions I may have, I'm willing to pay that price gladly," McCain said. “I have always wanted a doctrine named after me. In fact, some people are more celebrated for their doctrines than for their presidencies. Take the Monroe Doctrine, for example. Marilyn’s doctrine that proclaimed European powers should no longer colonize or interfere with the affairs of the Americas is of great historical importance, yet we never hear about any of her other accomplishments in the White House.”

Monday, January 08, 2007

PELOSI SAYS PRESIDENT SHOULD GET PART-TIME JOB TO PAY FOR TROOP SURGE

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that she and her newly empowered Democrats will not give President Bush a blank check to wage war in Iraq. “The American people and the Congress will not abandon the troops,” she said on “Face the Nation” Sunday. “But if the President wants to spend additional funds on his misguided mission, he should think about getting a paper route. He’s got a bike.”

Sunday, January 07, 2007

U.S. ARMY APOLOGIZES FOR ASKING DECEASED OFFICERS TO REENLIST

The U.S. Army said that it will apologize to the families of the deceased officers that it mistakenly sent reenlistment letters to in December. "Unfortunately, the database used to address those letters contained names of officers who were killed in action," the Army said. "The President would like the families to know that after careful consideration, he has decided not to penalize the late officers for their tardy replies. However, he said next time he won't be as lenient.”

TROOP SURGE DECISION TO BE DETERMINED BY TREE-ATHLETES

As the President spends his weekend cutting cedar on his Texas ranch, he will be surrounded by people from both sides of the fence—those who oppose sending more troops to Iraq and those who are on board. A close advisor said Bush will make his decision based on the winner of a "tree-athlon." The pro and con teams will be tested on log cutting, kindling gathering and stacking speed. “I’m not gonna take advice as important as this from a bunch of sissies," said the President. “You’re gonna have to earn my confidence.” His advisor said behind closed doors that the President is both up a tree and out of his tree. "I just don't want to be around when he yells, 'Timber.'"

Saturday, January 06, 2007

BUSH AGREES TO BE TRIED BY INTERNATIONAL WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL

Fuming over Saddam Hussein’s new martyr status, George W. Bush has decided to one-up him by turning himself in to the International War Crimes Tribunal. “You have to give the President credit for his long-term strategic thinking regarding his legacy,” said a doting Tony Snow. “Even though his life will be cut short, he will go down in history as a great martyr. Or as the President puts it, ‘I won’t really be cashin’ in my chips. I’ll just be meetin’ my maker a little sooner so we’ll be able to get in a few more rounds of poker. Hmmm, I guess I better hit the ATM before my hanging.’”

POOR EXECUTION MAKES HUSSEIN MARTYR

Public opinion shows that the ruthless and inept execution of Saddam Hussein has backfired on the American and Iraqi governments. In the week since the hanging, Hussein’s image in the Arab world—previously that of a convicted dictator—has undergone a resurgence of admiration and awe. He has emerged as a Sunni Arab hero who stood calm and composed as his executioners tormented and abused him. “No one will ever forget the way in which Saddam was executed,” President Mubarek of Egypt remarked. “They turned him into a martyr. If Bush were smart, he would consider the same exit strategy for himself.”

Friday, January 05, 2007

NEW CONGRESS READY TO COMPROMISE

Democrats took control of the 110th Congress on Thursday, promising to work with President Bush to end the partisan politics that have been so deleterious to the country. “Rather than challenging the President with issues like impeachment, we will put the past behind us so we can begin to compromise America’s future,” said an anonymous leader of the House or Senate. “If the President wants to send 20,000 additional troops to Iraq, we will agree to 10,000. If he wants to torture prisoners, we will agree to a few light blows. And if he insists on wiretapping the American people's phone calls, the NSA will be allowed to listen to the first half of every conversation.”

CONDOLEEZZA RICE CHOOSES JAMES BROWN FUNERAL OVER GERALD FORD’S

Betty Ford was purportedly upset at her husband’s funeral when she heard that the absent Condoleezza Rice had opted to attend the James Brown condolence extravaganza in Augusta, Georgia instead. State Department officials refused to comment except to say, "It was in the best interest of the United States for Secretary Rice to show her allegiance to African Americans at this time. Besides, at the Ford affair, she would have only been allowed to do a waltz, and Condi really wanted to get down and shake that thing.”

Thursday, January 04, 2007

NEW LAW REQUIRES IMMIGRANTS TO CONCEIVE OF ANGLO CHILDREN

A new law has been proposed that would make it mandatory for immigrants seeking residency in the US to conceive of Anglo children. “When it comes to childbearing, illegals have two options,” said the head of Building a Fence For a Whiter America. “They can either produce white children and remain in the US or bear their own race and be deported. The newborn Anglos are also required to be card-carrying Republicans or else they will be sent to Guantanamo summer camp."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

US TROOPS NOT HAPPY WITH HALLIBURTON TOILET PAPER

US soldiers have expressed anger over the quality of toilet paper that Halliburton is providing the military with, saying it’s at least one inch narrower than normal rolls and is the cause of unwelcome racing stripes. “We want to assure the government that we’re willing to go over and above the call of duty to get these stains out and to provide the best laundry service available for $98 a load,” said Halliburton’s CEO. “We’re also giving Uncle Sam a rock-bottom price on the troops’ daily rations of chile con carne and prune smoothies—two Halliburton staples.”

Monday, January 01, 2007

TICKETMASTER CHARGES EXCESSIVE FEES FOR HUSSEIN HANGING

Iraqi witnesses who attended the hanging of Saddam Hussein are said to be mad at Ticketmaster over excessive surcharges for their seats. “I could have gotten better seats for the Butcher of Baghdad from the Scalper of Sadr City,” said a dissatisfied customer. “I couldn't even see the noose. Next time I'll bring my opera glasses and stand in the back.” Halliburton’s CEO is said to be peeved that Ticketmaster got a no-bid contract for the exclusive rights to the venue. “We could have made out like a bandit on the concessions, between the Jordan Almonds and Sunni Delight,” he balked.