HILLARY CLINTON CONSIDERS ALL OPTIONS TO WIN PRESIDENCY

Democratic Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her highly anticipated campaign for the White House, intent on occupying the residence she once lived in as first lady. “As my exploratory committee analyzes the focus group findings that will ascertain if America is ready for a female president, I stand before you, ready to lead,” she said from the Capitol. An anonymous source reported that if the focus group results prove negative, Clinton’s team is considering gender reassignment surgery for her. "Americans are ready for a change,” she proclaimed. “As we campaign to win the White House, we will make history and remake our future.” Bill Clinton is said to have readily approved of this last-resort strategy. “I wouldn’t really be cheating on her if I went out with other 'women,' then, would I?” he said, grinning.