JAMES BAKER RESIGNS AS DUBYA’S GODPARENT

James Baker, the lifelong friend of George H. W. Bush, announced that he would be resigning as George W. Bush’s godfather. “Though it was an incredible honor at his birth, recent events have demonstrated that I can no longer be an effective godfather to my godson, therefore I am giving my official two-week notice as his godparent,” he said in a private, untelevised Bush family press conference. “I just hope Jr. can find a new father figure to hit the ball around with and take him out for ice cream. He’s a real spunky kid, and it’s been an unforgettable 60 years.”