GONZALES TAKES ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR FAULTY MEMORY

Since his recent memory loss regarding his involvement with the firings of eight attorneys, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been ordered to take an Alzheimer’s test. Here are the results:

DOCTOR: What day is it?
GONZALES: March 31st

DOCTOR: What year is it?
GONZALES: 2007

DOCTOR: Who is the President?
GONZALES: Dick Cheney

DOCTOR: You will be asked later to remember these three words:
jump, suit, jelly

DOCTOR: Can you spell rail backwards?
GONZALES: Liar

DOCTOR: How many fingers am I holding up?
GONZALES: Just the one middle one

DOCTOR: What were the three words?
GONZALES: jump, suit, jelly

DOCTOR: Test over. You do not have Alzheimer’s. Here is your prison jumpsuit and a tube of K-Y jelly. Say "hi" to Scooter for me.

TROOPS DEMAND NEW UNIFORMS TO REFLECT CURRENT MORALE

It is reported that the troops in Iraq, suffering from an all-time low morale, have demanded new uniforms to reflect their current state of mind. The new “I’m Not With Stupid” flak jackets don a smiling, toothless President Bush with a two-fingered peace sign behind his head. The back says, “But I Could Kick Your Ass If I Wanted To.” The meticulously worded uniform was designed as a secret peace initiative between the U.S. and the enemy—behind Bush’s back—while reinforcing their military might, should they choose to be the savage imperialist warmongers that the commander in chief demands of them. The new uniforms are said to have already produced results as countless would-be suicide bombers now say they want to live.

EMBOLDENED ENEMY SWIMS ATLANTIC TO ATTACK AMERICA

A prophetic President Bush proved to be prescient when he said, “If we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq, the enemy will attack us here.” Today, his prediction came true as the Iraqi terrorist landed on American soil to proclaim jihad on our country. Arriving in an inner tube with only the clothes on his back and a weapon of mass destruction, the enemy put his foot on dry land and proclaimed to a group of fishermen, “Death to the infidels! Death to the imperialists! Death to America!" Then he sighed and said, "Phew. My arms are tired. Where’s a Starbucks? I could use a tall Americano."

SENATE APPROVES TIMETABLE TO WITHDRAW BUSH FROM WHITE HOUSE

On March 27th, the Senate voted to impose a timetable on President Bush’s remaining days in the White House. The bill calls for an immediate, retroactive withdrawal of the President by March 26th, 2007—one day before the measure’s enactment. “We don’t have the funds to support this President anymore,” said Nancy Pelosi. “The brain-related injuries he is suffering from has not only endangered our troops and our country, it has wiped out the treasury. We warned him months ago—if he wanted to wage an endless war, he would have to spend his own money. If he was serious about being the President, he should have gotten a paper route.”

BLAIR TO SHED LEGACY AS BUSH’S POODLE

This week, Prime Minister Tony Blair witnessed a historic meeting between the two opposing parties whose conflict fueled decades of violence in Northern Ireland. The old enemies—Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams and the Rev. Ian Paisley—agreed to enter a power-sharing government that is set to begin on May 8. This landmark agreement is said to be the crowning achievement of Blair’s 10 years in office and the fulfillment of a crucial objective for his legacy. "I worked on this effin' agreement for the last six years so I wouldn't have to be Bush’s poodle anymore,” he told an aide. “Now I'm an Irish setter," he beamed.

JEB BUSH CAN'T GET INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA

Former Gov. Jeb Bush was denied an honorary degree at the University of Florida as a result of a 38-28 vote. He was said to be rejected for a variety of reasons, but one concern was his educational record. “While his SATs were 1460 points higher than his older brother’s, we did not think he had the adequate intellect to excel at this institution,” said a senior. Some critics used an anti-nepotist platform to substantiate their "nay" votes. “I don’t care who his pappy or grandpappy was. Jeb Bush is simply not up to sawing in the same woodshop as Bob Vila or punting on the same football field as Emmitt Smith—two of our finest alumni,” said the dean of PE. “I suggest he either try getting into a community college or running for president.”

CHENEY HAS BLOOD CLOT IN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

While it has been reported that Vice President Cheney has a blood clot in his left leg, inside sources say it is really someplace else. “This deep penis, I mean deep venous thrombosis comes from prolonged inactivity,” his doctor said. “But that’s all I am at liberty to say.” A staffer inside the White House, however, disclosed that Bob Dole and a representative from Pfizer—the maker of Viagra—were in and out of Cheney’s office on several occasions meeting with the V.P. “We are just trying to get Dick up and running again to prevent further blood clots in his "leg,” Dole said with a coy smile.

RAT POISON FOUND IN KARL ROVE’S WET FOOD

Representatives from Menu Foods have disputed claims that the “Tasty Fixins In Sauce” Karl Rove is known to indulge in was tainted with rat poison. “No one else has reported illness from this product, therefore, we suspect foul play,” said the company's CEO. Rove is said to have only suffered mild symptoms and was seen in the White House afterwards working on the “Hillary’s Lesbian Lovers Speak Out” internet video. A security camera caught the White House chef telling his #2 saucier, “We caught the rat, but he escaped. Only when you finish the job will you be promoted from hollandaise to bernaise."

BUSH FINDS EXIT STRATEGY IN PARAGUAY

As the pressure mounts in his administration, President Bush is said to be more than ready to settle into his future home in Paraguay. Architects are purportedly hard at work designing “Hacienda Neocon,” where it is said he will spend the remainder of his days. His final home will have an adobe and kevlar exterior, a sharpshooter-guarded couch and remote, and a pinto-bean-shaped swimming pool with special bulletproof water. Pundits have surmised that the President made his six-day Latin American trip last week as an attempt to mend fences with that part of the world before claiming it as his. It is said he will leave Washington the minute he gets the official word of his Crimes Against Humanity charges.

WHITE HOUSE SAYS SUBPOENAS NOT APPROPRIATE IN LIGHT OF LARRY “BUD” MELMAN’S DEATH

A House Judiciary subcommittee authorized subpoenas Wednesday to force several of President Bush's closest aides to testify about the firings of federal prosecutors. But President Bush told Democrats, “I already made you an offer to interview my folks off the record. Take it or leave it. But if you leave it, I’ll see you in Supreme Court.” After the President stormed out of the meeting, Tony Snow elaborated. “Calvert DeForest, best known for his dead-pan appearances as the pudgy, bespectacled everyman Larry "Bud" Melman on David Letterman's late-night TV show—who had also performed at the pleasure of the President—has died. Under these circumstances, the President feels that subpoenas are unacceptable and that an interview with Karl Rove and Harriet Miers off the record and with no sworn testimony is appropriate.”

JOHN EDWARDS TO HAVE FLING WITH TWO MISS AMERICAS

Since a study was released that said men who cheat on their wives make better presidents, an inside source says that along with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, John Edwards is now considering having an extramarital affair. “In keeping with my campaign promise, I think I should embrace the two Americas," he told an advisor. “This year’s Miss America and last year’s. If I really want to bring the country together, I could have a three-way. But that might not play with the prudes in Peoria.” It is said he initially chose to have his fling with an obese, shoeless woman from the South to illustrate the second America, but after meeting her, he argued that the analogy would be lost on most voters and that two Miss Americas would be a more potent message.*

*Posted before news of Mrs. Edwards' cancer. Best wishes to them.

HILLARY CLINTON CONSIDERS HAVING EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR

Since a study was released that said men who cheat on their wives make better presidents, an inside source says Hillary Clinton is considering having an extramarital affair. Though there is no historical data about women presidents or their fidelity, it is said that Mrs. Clinton wants to be strategically proactive. She was heard telling one of her advisors, “Bill and I think both Antonio Banderas and Denzel Washington would make good dalliances from an ethnically forward perspective. But if we decide to skew 18 to 34-year-olds, I am considering Jake Gyllenhaal or Tobey Macguire. Of course, Bill is trying to convince me that husbands who cheat on their presidential-candidate wives perform better in the polls too.”

STUDY SHOWS MEN WHO CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES MAKE BETTER PRESIDENTS

A recent study at Johns Hopkins University showed a distinct correlation between strong, decisive leaders and presidents who commit adultery. “FDR, JFK and William Jefferson Clinton immediately come to mind,” said the head researcher. “I would say that from the current crop of potential nominees, John McCain, Rudy Guiliani and Newt Gingrich show the most promise.” When rationalizing his past, John McCain said, “Though cheating on my wife went against my nature, I knew one day I might want to seek the presidency.” Guiliani proclaimed, “Regrettably for my family, I was thinking of my country first.” Newt Gingrich theorized, “Sure I screwed around on my wife while she had cancer, but my mistress was America.” The researcher said he thought the current crop of Democrats were all too faithful to be commander in chief.

HALLIBURTON HAS GALA EVENT TO CELEBRATE WAR'S ANNIVERSARY

Halliburton is said to be commemorating the fourth anniversary of the Iraqi occupation with a gala event to honor the man who made it all possible—Richard B. Cheney. In keeping with its filling station theme, the celebration will have Dom Perignon dispensed from gas pumps as a large, mock gasoline sign shows rising prices in real time. "While a fourth anniversary gift is traditionally linen, we have chosen petroleum," said Halliburton's CEO. “We are giving Dick an oil-rich region in the Middle East. I just hope he doesn’t have it already.”

ANGELINA JOLIE GIVES VIETNAMESE SON HIS FIRST SEWING MACHINE

According to a Ho Chi Minh City newspaper, Angelina Jolie adopted a three-year old Vietnamese boy to add to her multicultural family. She and Brad Pitt also have an adopted boy from Cambodia and a girl from Ethiopia, as well as their own birth daughter. "I will now be staying home to help Pax adjust to his new life," Jolie told a Vietnamese reporter. "Helping my children discover their place in the world is crucial at this tender age. That’s why I’ve given the three adopted ones their own sewing machines. If you give a child a shirt, he can dress himself for a day. Give a child a sewing machine, and he can clothe a first-world country.”

A NOOSERY RHYME

RING AROUND THE ROVEY
ALBERTO'S JUST LIKE RUMMY
AND ASHCROFT, ASHCROFT
THEY ALL FALL DOWN

U.S. OFFICIALS DISPUTE CONFESSED TERRORIST’S CLAIMS

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's claim he was responsible for dozens of successful and foiled terrorist attacks in the last 15 years relies on a loose definition of the word "responsible," said U.S. officials. “While he is taking credit for the attempted shoe bomb plot in London, in reality, he was only responsible for the shoeshine," said one official. “As far as the Bali nightclub bombing, he apparently was the cruel ironist who had the deejay play ‘I Will Survive.’ And while he claims to have masterminded the Sept. 11 attacks, his part was to program an email alert in the 19 terrorists’ computers so they would receive a reminder 15 minutes before the attack.” A prominent thug psychiatrist noted, “This is very typical. I have never known a criminal that didn't exaggerate. I think President Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ pretty much says it all.”

ATTORNEY GENERAL LETS CONFESSED AL QAEDA TERRORIST GO

After a hearing that witnessed Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s confession of being the mastermind behind dozens of Al Qaeda terrorist plots, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said Mohammed’s services were no longer needed at Guantanamo and he would have to let him go. “What Mohammed admitted to is hearsay,” Gonzales told a group of irate Democrats. “Since he believes in the Koran and not the Bible, his oath is null and void. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience allow him further room and board at the American taxpayers’ expense.”

CONFESSED SEPTEMBER 11 MASTERMIND SHOWS REMORSE

In a hearing to determine if he is an enemy combatant, alleged terrorist, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, confessed to being the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks and other major Al Qaeda attacks. In a transcript of a hearing conducted at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp, Mohammed said he was responsible for the 9/11 operation, as well as a 1993 attack on the World Trade Center, the bombing of a Bali nightclub and an attempt to down two American airplanes using shoe bombs—31 plots in all. When asked if he had any regrets, he said, “My mug shot make me look fat. I should have gone to Glamour Shots."

GENERAL PACE CHANGES STANCE ON GAYS IN THE MILITARY

A day after Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, likened homosexual acts to adultery and said the military should not condone it by allowing gays to serve openly in the armed forces, he rescinded the statement. “Actually, I would like to see more of them on the front lines,” he clarified.

BUSH SENIOR RECEIVES MOUTH-TO-MOUTH FROM GENERAL PACE

Former President George H.W. Bush addressed a crowd in Los Angeles a day after collapsing from dehydration in the Southern California desert. The 82-year-old said he became tired after playing golf in high temperatures. "The next thing I remember, I was on the floor and General Pace was on top of me giving me mouth-to-mouth. And when he slipped me some tongue, I wanted to vomit. I'll take morality over mortality any day," the ex-President opined.

MEXICO DEPORTS BUSH

As President Bush concludes a six-day swing through Latin America, he promised Mexico's President Felipe Calderon he would put his full effort into changing the nation's immigration laws. It's the first meeting the two men have had since Calderon took office Dec. 1 following a controversial win. After the two toasted to their mutual election fraud, President Calderon got tough. “While Mexico understands the U.S. must do what is best for its own security, Mexico must do the same,” he said as officials handcuffed Mr. Bush and dropped him over the border in Nogales, Arizona.

MILLIONS OF NEW IMMIGRANTS FLOOD U.S. AS BUSH VISITS LATIN AMERICA

As the increasingly unpopular Bush visits Latin America this week, there have been large demonstrations everywhere he has appeared, causing millions in South America, Central America and Mexico to flee their homelands for the U.S. “The stench of him on my continent made me wanna go caca,” said a Peruvian coca farmer. “As long as the gringo imperialist is on my land mass, I cannot cast a line," said a Tierra del Fuego fisherman. “I thought about jumping in the volcano, but I decide to come to U.S. instead,” said a Nicaraguan coffee grower. “Where is that fence he promised? It could have kept him out of my country.”

FRANCE TO CHANGE NAME OF BRITTANY REGION

Due to Britney Spears’ latest behavior, France has decided to change the name of its famous Brittany region. "Though our glorious region is not spelled zee same as Ms. Spears’ first name, we feel it is close enough to tarnish our province," said the country’s tourism minister. Paris officials are said to be considering changing the name of the French capital as well, since President Chirac finds Paris Hilton gauche. “We are thinking of replacing Brittany and Paris with Timberlake and Aguilera,” said the tourism minister. “But we are still testing zee waters in songs and expressions. We are not sure how ‘gay Timberlake’ and ‘April in Aguilera’ will go over.”

CHENEY’S UNDISCLOSED LOCATION REVEALED AS HALLIBURTON MOVES TO DUBAI

Halliburton announced it will be moving its corporate base from Houston to Dubai to be closer to the oil fields of the Middle East and Africa. The sheikdom has become the Las Vegas of the Middle East, offering executives a safe haven in a volatile region with excellent restaurants, golf courses and a large, man-made indoor ski slope. According to an undisclosed source, the Vice President was seen doing moguls at the Dubai Ski Resort on September 11th while the President was reading "My Pet Goat.” He was also spotted in a lime green ski suit on a double black diamond slope during Hurricane Katrina. "I think it’s safe to say the Halliburton move was his idea,” said the source.

A NOOSERY RHYME

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN IN D.C.
A NEOCON BASTARD WAS HE
WHO DID THE VEEP’S SELLIN’
AND NOW HE’S A FELON
WHO SAYS TO THE PREZ, “PARDON ME”

GORE AND GINGRICH LEAD POLLS

Though they are not candidates for the presidency, Al Gore and Newt Gingrich are currently the front runners for their respective parties, according to the latest polls. “I like Gingrich best because he is not running,” said Alice Jones of Montpelier, Vermont. “He is my first choice among those not running and whom not to elect.” Other popular choices are Oprah, Dumbo and the donkey from Shrek. “What this data tells me is that Americans do not want a president at all,” said political pollster John Zogby. “This is unprecedented. 2008 could be America’s first year without a commander in chief.”

BUSH SAYS IF ANTONELLA LOSES, THE TERRORISTS WIN

After the results of last night’s "American Idol," President Bush called a press conference to proclaim to America, “Antonella Barba is a great asset to the nation’s talent pool, and as a result, I have vetoed your decision to vote her off. I’m the decider, and I say Barbie did a heckuva job. If Antonella is not the next ‘American Idol’, the terrorists win.” It is purported that behind the scenes, the President criticized Karl Rove’s inability to steal the election. Rove blamed the results on the fact that Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell are no longer in positions of power in the states of Florida and Ohio.

BOB DOLE PRESCRIBES VIAGRA FOR WALTER REED DYSFUNCTION (WRD)

After substandard conditions at an outpatient facility at Walter Reed Army Medical Center were revealed, President Bush named Bob Dole and Donna Shalala to head a commission to investigate the problems. “I'm concerned that when the soldiers come back, they don't get the full treatment they deserve," said Dole. “That’s why I’ve asked my good friends at Pfizer to provide the patients with VIAGRA* to treat WRD. With highly responsive nurses catering to their immediate needs, then mold and unsanitary conditions won’t seem that important. If I had taken VIAGRA when I returned from WWII, things would have been looking up faster,” he said.

*For erections lasting more than 4 hours, contact your Walter Reed administrator.

BUSH REJECTS LIBBY VERDICT

President Bush said that while he respects the jury that found Scooter Libby guilty, he is certain there will be a different outcome than the one announced in court. “We are a nation of laws, and no man is above the law. That's why Alberto pulled an all-nighter last night, reworking a few. Any minute now, Scooter’s day of being a convicted felon will be behind him,” Bush said. “As the decider, I don’t think a man should go to jail just 'cause he can’t remember a few facts. If that was the case, President Reagan would've gone from the White House to the big house.”

GARY COLEMAN FORMS PRESIDENTIAL EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

Different Strokes’ actor Gary Coleman has formed a presidential exploratory committee as the first step toward announcing his candidacy for the Democratic ticket. “Running for governor of California taught me two things: 1) An actor can win, and 2) An actor with muscles can really kick butt. So after spending eight hours a day at Gold’s Gym for the past six months, I am announcing my intent to be president. I’m pumped up, I’m limber, and I’m ready to take on the big boys and girl.”

GINGRICH THROWS HAT IN RING AS GARY COLEMAN ANNOUNCES PRESIDENTIAL BID

Newt Gingrich, who said he would only run for president if absolutely necessary, has entered the race as a result of Different Strokes’ actor Gary Coleman’s recent announcement. “I think it would be foolhardy for the Republican party to presume that either Hillary or Obama can defeat Coleman,” said an energized Gingrich. “If he gets the nomination, it could spell disaster for the GOP. The little guy is a vigorous opponent. Did you see him on ‘Skating With the Stars?’ He had a mean half axel, quarter toe loop and five-eighths lutz.”

GINGRICH TO RUN AS ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT

Newt Gingrich, now an author and lecturer, remains popular in the Republican party but has not acted on seeking the presidency. He said he will probably stay on the sidelines unless it becomes absolutely necessary. “I will only consider entering the race if and when it is certain a Democrat opponent will be running,” offered Gingrich.

AL SHARPTON DISCOVERS HE WAS BARACK OBAMA’S SLAVE

Professional genealogists have discovered that the Reverend Al Sharpton is the descendant of slaves once owned by ancestors of Senator Barack Obama, whose mother was white. “Barack Obama is about as black as Hillary Clinton,” said a disgruntled Sharpton. “I would have rather been owned by her."

STROM THURMOND’S RELATIVES CANCEL TRIP TO MEET AL SHARPTON

Relatives of the late Senator Strom Thurmond who recently discovered their forebears had owned the Reverend Al Sharpton’s great grandfather, have canceled their plans to meet Sharpton in New York as a result of the N-word ban. “Since we can’t use ‘nigger’ now, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable,” said Essie Mae Washington-Williams, Thurmond’s illegitimate daughter. “What would we say if he got us riled up? I think under the circumstances, it’s best if we’re just pen pals.”

TOURISM ON THE DECLINE AS NEW YORK BANS N-WORD

Since New York’s City Council declared a moratorium on the use of the word “nigger,” the state’s tourism board has predicted a drastic decline in visitors to the Big Apple. “A lot of people come here from small towns across the country just to spout off and say things they can’t get away with at home,” said Ivanna Curse from the Regal Travel Agency. “And the N-word is at the top of their list. I guess they’ll have go to L.A. now. If they're smart, they’ll build a theme park there that caters to the new tourists. ‘Niggerland’ would be a real boon for the California economy.”

GATES BLAMES TOP COMMANDER FOR WALTER REED DEBACLE

In a swift move to address the inadequate outpatient care at Walter Reed Army Hospital, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates has demanded accountability. “The care and welfare of our wounded men and women in uniform deserve the highest standard of excellence, and I am deeply disappointed in the actions of our top commanders,” Gates said. “Therefore, I am asking George W. Bush—I mean, George W. Weightman—to step down. I also recommend immediate impeachment proceedings—er, congressional hearings—to investigate the misdeeds.”

STEPHEN HAWKING LEAVES EARTH TO ESCAPE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

On April 26, Stephen Hawking will take a ride out of Cape Canaveral on a vomit comet, a padded aircraft that flies a roller-coaster trajectory to produce periods of weightlessness. "Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster such as sudden global nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or another Bush administration," said Hawking. "The black hole we’re in now rivals nothing in the history of the universe. Given the gravity of the situation in Iraq, I want to experience zero gravity, even if just for a little while."

DEMOCRATS REVAMP ANTI-WAR PLAN

House Democratic leaders are developing an anti-war proposal that won't cut off money for U.S. troops in Iraq but would require President Bush to acknowledge that he has marital problems. The plan could draw bipartisan support, yet some House members say it doesn't go far enough. “While it would be heartening to hear the President admit that he no longer wears the pants in the family and that Laura has rejected all overtures to play hide the salami, I am dubious it will bring the troops home any faster,” said Rep. John Murtha, D-PA. “On the other hand, if he seeks solace with Secretary Rice and a lovers’ quarrel ensues, she could bring them home in a retaliatory move.”