CONGRESS CONSIDERS NEW BILL TO CURB MASTURBATION

The Bush administration’s new Head of Reproductive Rights has been a vociferous critic of birth control and a staunch spokesman for abstinence. Now he is pressuring the administration to introduce a bill designed to curb masturbation. The prickly Hustler Magazine publisher, Larry Flynt, told a cool-as-a-cucumber, Larry King, “This proposal of mandatory mitten wearing is an underhanded way of whacking away at the constitution. The ‘No Hand Left Ungloved’ law is just one more example of how this administration is trying to systematically destroy recreational sex.” When asked her position on the touchy subject, Hillary Clinton said, “I think Americans should be able to masturbate, but they shouldn’t enjoy it.” Afterwards, her advisor was heard telling her, “You straddled that just right.”