BUSH TO DEMS: “DO NOT TEST MY WILL”

Despite growing criticism of US policy in Iraq, President Bush has warned Democrats not to test his will after he vetoes a bill withdrawing US troops from Iraq. “I’ve had a couple of others in this administration challenge my will, and they're not gonna let it happen."

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF GEORGE W. BUSH

January 20, 2001

All property and financial holdings, including domestic and international ranches, oilwells, cities, states, regions, dominions, nations, bank accounts, Certificates of Deposit, stock, retirement plans and IRAs will be divided among the following:

Primary Beneficiaries

Karl Rove 50%
Richard B. Cheney 50%

Secondary Beneficiaries

Richard B. Cheney 50%
Karl Rove 50%

GEORGE TENET SAYS REASON FOR WAR WAS A CHARADE

Former CIA director, George Tenet, has lashed out against Vice President Dick Cheney in a new book, accusing him of egging him on into making the case that Iraq had WMD. “We were playing charades one night, and he jumped up and made the gesture of swooshing a basketball into a net. Well, with four Scotches into me, I yelled, ‘It’s a slam dunk!’ Then the next day, I found out that Bush had signed off to go to war, and ever since, they’ve pinned it on me. If I had said it was a free throw or a bank shot, we wouldn't be in this mess. When I realized later it was all a charade and that Cheney didn’t really want to play with me that night, it hurt. I only accepted that Medal of Honor so I could sell it on eBay.”

BETTY FORD CENTER OPENS NEW SANJAYA WING

A spokesperson for the Betty Ford Center has announced the opening of the new Sanjaya wing, devoted to young people of questionable, still-burgeoning talent who are catapulted into a position of wealth and fame without cultivating the coping skills required to deal with their inevitable reality. "Since Sanjaya Malakar's aspiration of being a musician, actor and model makes him a triple threat, he is three times as likely to fall victim to substance abuse, be it alcohol, drugs or hairspray inhalation," she said. "We had originally planned to name the new wing after the young actress who played Tracy Partridge on the” Partridge Family,” but we were pleasantly surprised to find that she had gone on to become a concert tamborinist with the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields, led by Sir Neville Mariner."

MOUNTING WHITE HOUSE INVESTIGATIONS BEING OUTSOURCED TO INDIA

The ever-increasing number of White House scandals have placed an undue burden on American independent inquiries, according to the Wall Street Journal. As a result, many of these investigations are being outsourced to India and other countries. “Not only does this violate NAFTA, these investigations are unpatriotic,” said Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. “Eliminating all of these inquiries from our work force is taking thousands of jobs away from Americans and is allowing other countries to gain on us in the truth-telling sector. We are going to have to learn to become more self-sufficient as this burgeoning field continues to rise. In the next year and a half alone, we could put every unemployed person in this country back to work.”

CHENEY RESUMES NORMAL SCHEDULE AFTER BLOOD CLOT GETS HIGH MARKS

Doctors said the blood clot in Vice President Cheney's left leg is slowly getting smaller, according to a spokeswoman. After Cheney went to his doctor's office for an ultrasound of the clot, he returned to the White House to resume his normal afternoon schedule.

12:00 pm White House lunch with Chevron execs to determine oil-price fluctuations in upcoming political season

1:00 pm Meet with Halliburton CFO to discuss profit-sharing plan

1:30 pm Meet with Dubai realtor

2:00 pm Shooting practice with head of NRA and Antonin Scalia

3:00 pm Review Iran blueprints with Paul Wolfowitz

3:30 pm Acupressure on leg and massage of Iranian intelligence

4:30 pm Conference call with Osama bin Laden in Pakistan cave and script doctor in Hollywood bungalow to discuss next video

5:00 pm Happy hour with Ken Lay—now Kendra Laymer—to discuss his and her Cayman Island accounts

IF HILLARY IS ELECTED, HUBBY WILL BECOME MR. FIXIT

Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected president, she would make her husband a roaming ambassador to the world, and he would use his skills to repair the United States' tattered image abroad. "We all know about his roaming eye, and since we got separate bedrooms, he’s been a do-it-yourselfer,” she said. “As president, I will parlay those gifts into his new position as America’s Mr. Fixit. Just as Jimmy Carter builds single-family dwellings one house at a time, Bill’s ‘Habit For Humanity’ will enable him to erect new diplomatic relations one Iraqi, Afghani, Iranian, North Korean and Palestinian at a time. He’s got his tool belt strapped on, and he’s ready to do some nailing.”

“THE DUBAI OILBILLIES”

[Sung to the melody of the Beverly Hillbillies theme]

Come and listen to a story about a man named Dick
A rich billionaire, owned the oil in every slick
Then one day he was huntin’ for more crude
And up through the ground came a bubblin’ dude.

Satan, that is, the devil, Lucifer.

Well the first thing you know ol’ Dick has a scare
Halliburton folk said ‘Dick move away from there’
Said ‘the Middle East is the best place to lie’
So he loaded up his loot and he moved to Dubai.

Tax shelters, that is, oil barons, corporate thieves.

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Dick’s balderdash
And he would like to thank you folks fer all that kindly cash
You’re all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of his crass mendacity.

Neo con man, that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Leave a comment. Y’all come back now, y’hear?

BUSH TELLS TWINS TO SOW WILD OATS BEFORE ROE IS OVERTURNED

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling to uphold the Federal Abortion Ban, President Bush told his daughters in a heart-to-heart conference call that now is the time to have unprotected sex. “Girls, if you’re anything like your dad, you’ve got some wild oats to sow,” he said. “Not to mention wheat, barley and rye. Hell, the entire granary," he chuckled. "So I suggest you sow ‘em now while you can still destroy the evidence of your indiscretions. If you wait ‘til Roe is overturned, you’ll be reminded of that pole dance for the next 18 years. My whole administration is giving their girls the same advice. Even Condi’s gonna have one, and she can’t even ovulate.”

PROMINENT REPUBLICANS DEMAND GONZALES TAKE ALZHEIMER’S DRUG

Though tests in March proved he did not have Alzheimer’s disease, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faced growing demands from leading Republicans to take the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept®, even as the White House continued to back his memory. During an intensive grilling session from the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales apologized for his lack of clarity regarding the attorney firings but said that his recollection of the Raquel Welch poster he had on his wall as a prepubescent boy was strong and that he would still be able to function effectively in his current position without medication. “I have been pleased with the Attorney General's memory in the past, and I have full confidence in his memory's future,” said President Bush. The ranking Republican on the panel, Senator Arlen Specter, said he would not publicly demand Gonzales take the drug but recommended that he ask his doctor if Aricept® is right for him.*

*Some Attorney Generals may experience fainting, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bruising, cramps, loss of appetite, insomnia or bleeding ulcers.

**For results of Alzheimer’s test, see blog from MARCH 31, 2007
GONZALES TAKES ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR FAULTY MEMORY

FINANCIAL REPORT SHOWS EDWARDS SPENT $18 AT SUPERCUTS

After it was disclosed that John Edwards’ campaign committee picked up the tab for a haircut costing $18 at SUPERCUTS, Republicans have spoken out. “Not only is an $18 cut unpresidential,” said Newt Gingrich, “he had a $2 off coupon, so he only paid $16. This sends the wrong message to the two Americas he’s always talking about. He is depriving corporate America of those $2, while rewarding the second America with a discount for being too fat and lazy to get a better job so they can afford a $400 haircut.” SUPERCUTS stylist Lawanda Robinson defended Edwards. “He was no penny pincher,” she said. "He was thinking about getting the Sanjaya faux hawk before he even saw the $4 off faux hawk coupon sitting on the counter. But when he found out how long it would take, he said ‘maybe next time.’”

MISSING KARL ROVE EMAIL DISCOVERED

From: Karl Rove
Subject: Covering our Asses
Date: October 20, 2004 12:20:07 AM
To: POTUS

Hey Dub,

In addition to firing the attorneys, I’ve been thinking of new attacks on the country we could plan in the event that any more Dems or reporters stick their noses where they don’t belong. Here’s one I think you’ll really like.

We get a North Korean suicidist to murder a bunch of students on a college campus in the South. Not only does it take the American people’s minds off whatever scandal we're trying to cover up, it gives us carte blanche to strike North Korea. It also plays to two of our favorite subjects—terrorism and immigration. Plus, you can make a speech on the campus the next day and appear compassionate like after 9/11 (we’ll get ahold of that brilliant makeup artist with the faux tears again). And man, will your approval ratings soar!

I think we’ll know when the right time to strike will be. I'll get one of my underlings to find us the North Korean.

Karl

P.S. They don’t call me your brain for nothing!

WHITE HOUSE TO BECOME NATIONAL NEOCON PRISON AND MUSEUM

It is purported that some top Democrats have proposed turning the White House into the National Neocon Federal Penitentiary and Holocaust Museum. “We will continue to see the horror that the cons have wreaked upon the nation and the world for decades to come,” said Dennis Kucinich. “This will be a potent reminder of their legacy so that we will never forget.” In addition to housing the cons for the remainder of their days, several rooms will be used as museum space and archives. For instance, the former Roosevelt Room—now the Ruse Room—will catalog all the cons’ lies alphabetically, and researchers will be able to track them via the computers’ special “Find Falsehood” search engine. “It's unfortunate that when grade school tours visit, they will no longer see the White House as the pillar of democracy for which this country’s ideals were built upon,” said Barbara Boxer. “Instead, they’ll come here to do research and point at the caged animals. Some have suggested offering petting-zoo privileges, but I think Dick Cheney is too dangerous.” Several rooms, such as the Sodomy Suite—once known as the Lincoln Bedroom—will no longer be available to the public.

BUSH SAYS EVERYONE IN HIS CABINET IS DOING A HECKUVA JOB

Frustrated with the continual need to defend his administration, President Bush held a press conference to proclaim that this would be his last statement concerning anything that anyone in his administration has been accused of doing or will be accused of doing in the future. “This partisan witch hunt is taking time away from the job we are all doing to defend America from the terrorists,” he said. “This is the last time I'm gonna say it—Alberto Gonzales, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice and the new ambassador of Belgium are all doing a heckuva job and will continue to do a heckuva job. Helen Thomas: put your hand down for the next year and a half. There will be no more questions.”

HEAD OF WORLD BANK TO RECEIVE UNEMPLOYMENT

Iraq war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, is said to be on shaky ground as president of the World Bank since the disclosure that he helped arrange an exorbitant pay raise for a bank official with whom he was romantically involved. It is purported that if asked to step down, he will not be charged with any wrongdoing and would be entitled to unemployment compensation. An inside source said if that turns out to be the scenario, Vice President Dick Cheney has offered to pay him under the table to draft the blueprint for the Iran war so he could still collect his $920 a month.

BUSH SAYS DEMOCRATS DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR TROOPS OR OUR EMBRYOS

After the Democrat-led Senate passed new legislation seeking to allow federal funding for cutting-edge embryonic stem cell research, a peeved President Bush announced that he would veto yet another bill. “These embryos are human beings and must be protected. I will not support a bill that requires taxpayers to fund the destruction of human life. The Democrats are trying to withhold money from our brave troops in Iraq, yet they want to send defenseless human beings out to battle cancer, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. The Democrats don’t care about our troops or our embryos. That's why I'm killing both bills."

‘GIRLS GONE WILD’ FOUNDER TO MAKE COMPROMISING VIDEOS OF JANET RENO

After seven women sued “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis, claiming they were underage when filmed in sexually provocative situations on a Florida beach, a federal judge sentenced him to make videos of Janet Reno baring her breasts. “Ms. Reno will be available during spring break," said the judge, "and Sex on the Beach Jello Shooters are her favorite.” After hearing the verdict, Francis became enraged and yelled obscenities, to which the judge banged his gavel and replied, “I also order you to shoot Katherine Harris without her makeup on.” Francis is currently in jail after refusing to serve his sentence.

A NOOSERY RHYME

Here we go 'round the mulberry Bush,
The mulberry Bush, the mulberry Bush.
Here we go 'round the mulberry Bush,
So early in the morning.

This is the way we veto a bill,
We veto a bill, we veto a bill,
This is the way we veto a bill,
So early Monday morning.

This is the way we show the Dems,
We show the Dems, we show the Dems,
This is the way we show the Dems,
So early Tuesday morning.

This is the way we treat the troops
We treat the troops, we treat the troops
This is the way we treat the troops
So early Wednesday morning.

This is the way we free Iraq
We free Iraq, we free Iraq
This is the way we free Iraq
So early Thursday morning.

This is the way we take the oil,
We take the oil, we take the oil,
This is the way we take the oil,
So early Friday morning.

This is the way we bomb Iran
We bomb Iran, we bomb Iran
This is the way we bomb Iran
So early Saturday morning.

This is the way to Paraguay,
To Paraguay, to Paraguay,
This is the way to Paraguay,
So early Sunday morning.

BUSH FAMILY SYNDICATE HAS EASTER CELEBRATION AT CRAWFORD RANCH

Just as the celebrated Sopranos return to HBO tonight minus the popular Vito character, members of the Bush crime family are gathering today to celebrate their veto. In addition to observing the President’s impending war-funds rebuke to Congress, the Bush syndicate will also commemorate the Easter holiday. Activities are said to include a lavish brunch, followed by a whirlwind WMD hunt for the children. The child who finds the most chocolate covered, marshmallow-filled WMD will reportedly receive a real WMD to be put in a trust fund, available for activation when he or she turns 18. The President will also take a bike ride, cut some cedar and play a game of tic tac toe with his dad.

CONGRESS TO VOTE ON CHANGING THE WORD "NEOCON" TO "CON"

The Democratic-controlled Congress has proposed new legislation to change the administration’s designation from “neocons” to “cons.” “We think their moniker should more closely reflect their ideology and actions,” said Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid. “These conniving, conspiring, contentious, confounding, controlling, contemptible, controversial, contradicting, condescending, contrarian con men and Condi have been conveniently and continuously concealing and concocting the truth for over six years. Hence, they are not ‘neo’ cons at all. Though they have not yet been convicted, Congress thinks that by calling them ‘cons', it will set the wheels in motion. You've heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Well, we are hoping to fulfill this prophecy for them. A concise conclusion is that the cons will soon be in solitary confinement with no conjugal visits from their concubines.

PELOSI AND MALIKI HAVE SECRET E-MAIL RELATIONS*

From: Nuri al-Maliki
Subject: Your Trip to Syria
Date: April 5, 2007 12:20:07 AM
To: Nancy Pelosi

My Dear House Leader,

I hope you are well. I heard you were in Syria to meet President Bashar al-Assad. This came as much surprise. Bashar is younger and more handsome than me, yes? I thought you and I make booty full music together two month ago. Was our music not better than you and Syrian president make? Did he show you his oud? Why you come to my part of world without visiting me? Do you know how many sheepless nights I have spent thinking of you in your green suit that make your eyeballs shine like precious jewels?

Dear lady, I want nothing more than to have diplomatic relations with you again.

al

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

From: Nancy Pelosi
Subject: Re: Your Trip to Syria
Date: April 5, 2007 4:24:07 PM EST
To: Nuri al-Maliki

Dear al,

It is so nice to hear from you. I hope you are well, considering the situation my country’s so-called "president" has put you in. Let me assure you, the music that Bashar and I made did not compare to the moving aria that you and I experienced. He and I only sang in a diatonic scale, and when he tried to show me his oud, I politely refused.

I hope to visit you again very soon. Maybe we can sneak away from our delegations for some private diplomatic relations. "President" Bush doesn’t even have to know.

Nan

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
*Second in a series. To read first email:
http://thenoosewire.blogspot.com/2007/02/pelosi-and-maliki-have-secret-e-mail.html

TOMMY THOMPSON AND FRED THOMPSON TO BECOME ONE CANDIDATE

Tommy Thompson, the former governor of Wisconsin and secretary of Health and Human Services in President Bush's administration, has officially kicked off his campaign for president. “There is room in this campaign for only one Thompson,” he announced. “And as of today, I am that Thompson. However, I generously offered to share my candidacy with Fred Thompson, should he decide to enter the race. But there was a “Law & Order” marathon on and he never got back to me. If he does choose to run with me for the co-presidency, we will call ourselves either Frommy Thompson or the Thompson Twins.”

JOHN MCCAIN SAYS DOM DELUISE’S DIET IS WORKING

A day after members of a Congressional delegation led by Senator John McCain took a brief visit to a Weight Watcher’s facility in Beverly Hills, the presidential hopeful said Dom Deluise was looking svelte. Though he has been on the diet for four years and is still at least 100 pounds overweight, the senator said Deluise not only looked trim, he could be America’s next top model. “People are making his weight out to be more than it is,” said McCain. “He can walk down the street without hearing anyone yell ‘fatso,’ therefore, he is not overly corpulent. Just because he has to wear earplugs every time he leaves the house does not mean he’s obese. I think other Beverly Hills, flab-challenged people like Dom should not be considered overweight either.”

NEWT GINGRICH CREATES ‘NO HOMELESS PERSON LEFT BEHIND’ ACT

Newt Gingrich’s new “No Homeless Person Left Behind Act” would create a federal program to improve the landscape and morale of the inner city by removing homeless people from the streets. NHPLB would send out trucks with cages driven by “homeless catchers” who would pick up transients and take them to a homeless pound where they will have one week to be adopted by a family before they are put down*. “We don’t need strays hanging around the streets of our cities,” said Gingrich. “They could have fleas, rabies, or worse—voter registration cards. My initiative would care for these people in a very humane fashion. They will receive three hot meals a day in their cages for a week—more than they would get on the street. In fact, I predict that when word gets out, many of them will be dying to get picked up for a week they’ll always remember.”

*Homeless immigrants not eligible for one-week grace period

THE REAL ELTON JOHN GOES ON AARP CRUISE FOR 60TH BIRTHDAY

Despite claims of a lavish 60th birthday weekend that included a celebrity-filled Madison Square Garden concert on March 25th, it has been confirmed that the Elton John at those events was a professional aging-rock-star body double. The real Elton was said to have been on a senior cruise in the Bahamas. “Most of the time he just sat around in his bejeweled bifocals reading an AARP magazine,” said a cruise entertainer. “When I asked him to sit in on ‘The Bitch Is Back’, he admonished me for using that kind of language. And when I offered to loan him my platinum-blonde wig and boa, he told me to grow up. He seemed happy to eat his pureed chicken, carrot and lima bean dinner each night, though. The highlight was when they brought out a green, piano-shaped jello, and we all sang ’60 Candles in the Wind’ as he attempted to blow out the baby grand.”

BUSH AND JESUS STAND BEHIND ALBERTO GONZALES

In a press conference, President Bush once again came to the defense of Alberto Gonzales, saying the attorney general is ''honorable and honest'' and will remain in his job. When asked how he came to this determination, the President said, “Because his initials are A.G.—which stands for Attorney General. It’s a sign that this is what he was put on earth to do. The lord had a mandate, and I will not defy the will of the lord. A.G. is providing documents for Congress to find the truth. His birth certificate will prove his given name is Alberto Gonzales, and he will testify in front of Congress that he has always been Alberto Gonzales. If he needs witnesses, I'm sure his mother and the doctor who delivered him will agree to testify," he said.