THE REAL ELTON JOHN GOES ON AARP CRUISE FOR 60TH BIRTHDAY

Despite claims of a lavish 60th birthday weekend that included a celebrity-filled Madison Square Garden concert on March 25th, it has been confirmed that the Elton John at those events was a professional aging-rock-star body double. The real Elton was said to have been on a senior cruise in the Bahamas. “Most of the time he just sat around in his bejeweled bifocals reading an AARP magazine,” said a cruise entertainer. “When I asked him to sit in on ‘The Bitch Is Back’, he admonished me for using that kind of language. And when I offered to loan him my platinum-blonde wig and boa, he told me to grow up. He seemed happy to eat his pureed chicken, carrot and lima bean dinner each night, though. The highlight was when they brought out a green, piano-shaped jello, and we all sang ’60 Candles in the Wind’ as he attempted to blow out the baby grand.”