BETTY FORD CENTER OPENS NEW SANJAYA WING

A spokesperson for the Betty Ford Center has announced the opening of the new Sanjaya wing, devoted to young people of questionable, still-burgeoning talent who are catapulted into a position of wealth and fame without cultivating the coping skills required to deal with their inevitable reality. "Since Sanjaya Malakar's aspiration of being a musician, actor and model makes him a triple threat, he is three times as likely to fall victim to substance abuse, be it alcohol, drugs or hairspray inhalation," she said. "We had originally planned to name the new wing after the young actress who played Tracy Partridge on the” Partridge Family,” but we were pleasantly surprised to find that she had gone on to become a concert tamborinist with the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields, led by Sir Neville Mariner."