NEWS SOURCES DIFFER ON OBAMA’S POPULARITY

Black Voters Help Obama Gain Ground On Clinton
—THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR

Obama Getting a Cool Reception from Black America
—CNN

Conflicting Signals on Obama’s Support Among African-Americans
—USA TODAY

Not Sure He’s Any Blacker Than Hillary
—NAACP DIGEST

Let’s See Some Cornrows, Then We’ll Talk
—EBONY MAGAZINE

CHENEY DODGES ASSASSINATION BY TELLING TALIBAN BOMBER TO F-OFF

A suicide bomber struck the main entrance to Bagram air base in Afghanistan today as Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting. A Taliban spokesman claimed responsibility, saying the intended target was Cheney, however the bomber kept his distance after the Vice President passed him a note that said, “Fuck off. Go bomb someone else.” Afterwards, at least 23 people were carried away in body bags. Cheney left as scheduled and flew to Kabul for his meeting with President Karzai, where he was greeted by a full honor ceremony.

AL SHARPTON DISCOVERS HE WAS STROM THURMOND’S SLAVE

Professional genealogists have discovered that the Reverend Al Sharpton is the descendant of slaves once owned by ancestors of the late Senator Strom Thurmond from South Carolina. Once considered an icon of racial segregation, Thurmond not only promised to preserve segregation during his 1948 bid for president, in 1957 he filibustered for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill. “Strom Thurmond was a notorious racist, and I am deeply troubled by this,” said Sharpton. “I would have rather been owned by the Clintons."

GORE’S OSCAR IN QUESTION AS “JESUS” DEMANDS RECOUNT

The producers of one of the nominees for best documentary, “Jesus Camp,” have demanded a recount over Academy Award winner, “An Inconvenient Truth.” “Several of the older Academy voters were confused with the Price Waterhouse butterfly ballot and accidentally marked the wrong box,” said a “Jesus Camp” spokesman. “Plus, there were hanging chads, so those votes shouldn’t count. We’ve hired our good friend, James Baker, to mediate the situation, but in the meantime, Al Gore should return the Oscar.” The producers of one of the other nominated documentaries, “Iraq In Fragments,” said the winner was clear. The Academy preferred “Truth” over “Jesus.”

AL GORE TO MAKE ANNOUNCEMENT AT ACADEMY AWARDS

After much speculation as to whether Al Gore will announce his presidential candidacy at tonight’s Academy Awards, people in his camp have confirmed that he will, indeed, make an announcement. "It won’t be that he’s running for president, though," said former campaign manager Donna Brazille. “Tonite, in front of a billion people, Al will admit that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. He figured it would be easier to break it to Tipper while they're all dolled up, with a belly full of Wolfgang Puck’s Roasted Veal Oscar with Sweet Maine Lobster, Asparagus and Sauce Choron."

WHITE HOUSE CHEF TO SERVE PETER PAN ON OSCAR NIGHT

The usually irascible White House chef was, for once, delighted to indulge the President in his favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwich this week. After hearing about the salmonella contamination in jars of peanut butter at a ConAgra plant, the chef was heard telling his saucier, “Now I believe in Peter Pan.” The chef's peanut butter-themed menu for tonite’s Oscar viewing party at the White House includes: Peanut Butter Martinis, Peanut Butter Hummus with Peanut Pita Crisps, Rack of Lamb with Peanut Butter and Mint Jelly, Chef's Secret Salad with Spicy Peanut Dressing and Double Peanut Butter Cookies with Triple Peanut Butter Ice Cream. Guests will be the Cheneys, the Roves, the Rumsfelds, the Wolfowitzes, Condoleezza Rice and several other nation builders.

RIVAL STUDIO TO MAKE MINISERIES ON HILLARY/OBAMA FEUD

It is rumored that media mogul and Hillary Clinton supporter, Chaim Saban, is producing his own tv miniseries to rival the one being made by David Geffen and Dreamworks. “The Clintons: American Royalty," is scheduled to air on the same nights as “The Polarizing Candidate,” which will be shown on another network. Though the script has not yet been finalized, the following cast is said to already be in rehearsals:

HEATHER LOCKLEAR as Hillary Clinton
PIERCE BROSNAN as Bill Clinton
SCARLETT JOHANSSON as Chelsea Clinton
SNOOP DOGG as Barack Obama
LIL' KIM as Michelle Obama
STEVE BUSCEMI as David Geffen
DANNY DEVITO as Jeffrey Katzenberg
JAMES GANDOLFINI as Steven Spielberg

DREAMWORKS TO MAKE MINISERIES ON HILLARY/OBAMA FEUD

An entertainment industry insider has purported that Barack Obama supporter, David Geffen, said harsh things about the Clintons in order to incite a public feud between the two camps so that he could capitalize on the drama by creating a made-for-tv movie about it. The miniseries, “The Polarizing Candidate,” will be produced by Geffen’s company, Dreamworks, and is scheduled to air sometime in the fall. Though the script has not yet been finalized, the following cast is said to already be in rehearsals:

DORIS ROBERTS as Hillary Clinton
NED BEATTY as Bill Clinton
WILL SMITH as Barack Obama
HALLE BERRY as Michelle Obama
BRAD PITT as David Geffen
DUSTIN HOFFMAN as Jeffrey Katzenberg
RICHARD DREYFUS as Steven Spielberg
KATHY BATES as Monica Lewinsky

BILL CLINTON POISED TO BECOME NEW YORK’S FIRST BLACK SENATOR

If Hillary Clinton is elected president, then New York Governor Elliot Spitzer would appoint someone to fill the open senate seat for the remaining two years of her term. "I think there’d be a real call on Spitzer to appoint a black senator,” said Clinton ally, Harold Ickes. “If our first black President, Bill Clinton, fails to become the first black vice president as Obama’s running mate, then he could be the first black senator from New York. Any way you slice it, we’re just lucky his mother had an African-American child.”

MCCAIN TELLS HORNY CHRISTIANS TO DO THE HOKEY POKEY

As presidential hopeful John McCain courted Christian conservatives in the first primary state in the Bible Belt last weekend, he encouraged about 1500 South Carolina middle and high school students to say no to sex. "It’s imperative that you take responsibility and exhibit self-control before marriage," said the senator. "I have a long record of supporting abstinence-based initiatives. Here’s one that anyone can do:

You put your left hand in,
You put your left hand out;
You put your left hand in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!"

BUSH TO MAKE DOCUMENTARY ON GLOBAL WARRING

Though Al Gore won the popular vote in 2000, his recent popularity has really gotten to the President, according to an inside source. Bush feels slighted by his one-time rival's nominations for an Academy Award and the Nobel Peace Prize. “I want Rove to get a film crew together and have ‘em start filming me talking about global warring," said the President. "Then have him get me one of those NOBEL prizes—peace, literature, medicine, economics—I don’t care which one. And let’s throw in some dancing, so I win a Tony. Say, if Rove needs to pick up any states, have him give Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell a call. Oh, and line up Latifah to present the awards to me. Mmm. She’s a lotta brown sugar."

BUSH MOVES PRESIDENTS' DAY TO JULY

As President Bush honored George Washington at Mount Vernon on Presidents' Day, he made comparisons between America's first wartime president and the current one. "Just as he fought the Revolutionary War, we are fighting a war to defend our liberty," Bush said. "The first George W. claimed victory over Britain, and the second George W. will claim victory over Iraq. And just as the Father of our Nation conceived a new course for America, the Great Decider has summoned a new day in America. I have decided to move Presidents' Day to my birthday, July 6th. But “Bushmas” will still be celebrated on December 25th." 

BUSH SAYS WORDS COULD LEAD TO DIALOGUE

New Mexico Governor and presidential hopeful, Bill Richardson, told CNN that the worst possible mistake would be to take military action in Iran before exhausting all diplomatic avenues. “Rather than talking to the Iranians about their nuclear program, Mr. Bush makes threats and sends ships over there. This is not a strategy for peace, it is a strategy for war.” When asked to respond, the president said, “I’m not gonna rush into a conversation that we're not prepared for without a clear strategy of how to be articulate. That would embolden the enemy. But I might say a couple words to President Ahmadinejad. Some short ones—maybe two or three letters. If he looks me in the eye like he’s ready to hand over his nuclear weapons, then maybe I'll form a sentence. And who knows. That could lead to a dialogue.”

STUART SMALLEY GIVES AL FRANKEN THE COURAGE TO RUN FOR CONGRESS

Comedian, author and radio talk show host Al Franken announced that he will run for the Senate in Minnesota against Republican Senator Norm Coleman in 2008. When asked why someone who has never held office thought he could beat an incumbent with far greater experience, Franken said, “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.”

MITT ROMNEY TO BRING FIRST WIVES CLUB TO WHITE HOUSE

As the first Mormon to seek the White House, Mitt Romney has promised a more wholesome presidency if elected. “My family means the world to me, and family values will be the centerpiece of my administration,” he declared. “I know my wives will make terrific first ladies. The three of them are looking forward to working together to redecorate the White House. In fact, they’ve already got their eye on a new chair for the Lincoln bedroom. I said no rococo though.”

BUSH CONSIDERS TIMETABLE FOR PULLOUT

21:00 LOAD GUN

21:00:10 COCK GUN

21:00:40 SHOOT GUN

21:00:40 EUPHORIA

21:00:42 WITHDRAWAL

21:00:44 LAY DOWN GUN

21:00:46 SMOKE CIGARETTE

21:03 EVACUATION

OBAMA POISED TO BECOME SECOND BLACK PRESIDENT

Speaking from the old state capital in Springfield, Illinois where Abraham Lincoln once stood, Senator Barack Obama announced that he was ready to become the second black president of the United States. “Abraham Lincoln paved the way for Bill Clinton—our first black president—and we all know how proud President Clinton made us as a nation,” he said to thunderous applause. “President Clinton and I both learned great morality lessons from the Great Emancipator. While mine were gleaned from history books, Bill learned his hands-on in the Lincoln bedroom. If elected president, I only hope I can live up to Clinton’s many seminal achievements.

CLINTON POISED TO BECOME FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT

Bill Clinton, the husband of presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, is said to be considering joining Barack Obama’s ticket as his vice-presidential running mate. “I really loved being the first black president,” said the ex president, and this is something historically exciting for me to consider.” Asked what his wife would think of the move, he said, “Hillary and I have an understanding. I don’t ask her how much she weighs, and she doesn’t ask me whose presidential ticket I’m running on.”

ROVE’S STRATEGY FOR ANNA NICOLE SMITH DEATH WENT AS PLANNED

Though she never sang for the president on his birthday, the untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith had similarities to the demise of Marilyn Monroe. “It was definitely a government job,” an unidentified source said. “After the fourth U.S. helicopter crashed in Iraq in just three weeks, Karl Rove had to put on his thinking cap real fast. Apparently, the diapered astronaut story he created couldn’t whitewash all the caca coming out of Iraq, so he made sure something even bigger filled the front pages.” The source wouldn’t speculate on how the death was executed, but a passerby at the Florida hotel where Smith died saw a suspicious-looking man get out of a helicopter and enter her room. A few moments later the man yelled, “Jack Daniels downed” as he fled toward the copter with an empty alcohol bottle and pill container.

GIULIANI ALMOST SEEKS PRESIDENCY

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani took one more step toward an official White House run by filing the paperwork to establish an exploratory committee. When asked by reporters what foreign policy experience he had that made him qualified to turn Iraq around, he said, “Look what I did with Times Square. First, I'll ban all handguns and personal bombs in Baghdad. Then, I’ll build a Gap, Disney Store and Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Next, I’ll bring ‘Phantom’ and ‘Cats’ to town. After that, I’ll hire a Madison Avenue ad agency to create a tourism campaign with TV spots and full page ads. And on December 31, 2009 at 11 pm, the Iraqi people will be celebrating in Baghdad Square at Ahmed Chalabi’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. But baby steps. I can’t commit to running yet."

TED HAGGARD EARNS HIS HETEROSEXUAL DEGREE

After three weeks of intensive tutoring, disgraced minister Ted Haggard says he no longer thinks about his penis therapist and the treatments he used to receive for his 2003 zipper accident. “I studied hard to become a certified heterosexual, and with my new degree, I’m going to have sexual relations with my wife and enjoy it,” proclaimed an upbeat Haggard. His private male tutor said that after helping him finish his course load, Haggard graduated with honors, summa cum loudly.

BUSH REACHES OUT TO DEMOCRATS BUT ARMS ARE TOO SHORT

President Bush traveled to the House Democrats’ annual retreat this weekend in Williamsburg, Virginia, in an effort to reach out to the new congressional majority. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced him from a lectern bearing the slogan, “Governing for a New Direction,” but the President spoke from his own lectern, emblazoned with the slogan, “You’re Either With Me or Against Me.” After Pelosi pledged that she will reverse years of partisan sniping and gridlock in Washington, the President responded, "I agree, Madam Speaker. I came here to show folks that we can get beyond the politics of Washington, and we've accomplished that. We’re three hours away.”

CHENEY CAUGHT SHOWING SENSITIVE SIDE

Leaked information from a security camera inside Dick Cheney’s residence showed his pregnant lesbian daughter, Mary, dozing on the sofa after a large family meal. The Vice President was sitting next to her, talking into her belly button. “Coochie coo, little Dick. Coochie coo,” he said with childlike affection. “That’s right. You’re going to be named after me. And if you have a baby brother or lesbian sister in there with you, he will be little Hal Burton.” Then the Vice President tenderly sang to the fetus: "HUSH LITTLE BABY, DON'T YOU CRY, GRANDPA'S GONNA SING YOU A LULLABY. HUSH LITTLE BABY, DON'T YOU TOIL, GRANDPA'S GONNA LEAVE YOU ALL THE OIL." As his voice reached a sonorous pitch, Mary awoke, and the embarrassed V.P. told the fetus to f**k off.

PELOSI AND MALIKI HAVE SECRET E-MAIL RELATIONS

From: Nuri al-Maliki
Subject: Our Meeting
Date: February 1, 2007 12:20:07 AM
To: Nancy Pelosi

Dear House Leader Pelosi,

I enjoyed meeting you very much. You are quite charming, attractive, level head woman. In fact, it was most refresheen to meet the American from Washington who is no sociopath (but then I don’t really know you that well yet ; )

I hope we can have relations together to free my people from the dimwit madman oppressor, as well as the sextarian violence here. I think it clear we see eyeball to eyeball on these matter. I count on you, dear lady, to work hand in hand with me to stop these horror.

al

P.S. Did I tell you how much I like your green suit? It made both your eyeballs shine like precious jewels.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

From: Nancy Pelosi
Subject: Re: Our Meeting
Date: February 1, 2007 4:24:07 PM EST
To: Nuri al-Maliki

Dear al,

I’m so glad we came out of our meeting with a greater understanding of each other's point of view. I, too, want to work together with you to free your country from the dimwit madman oppressor, and I will do everything in my power to stop the insanity and inhumanity.

Nancy

P.S. I can’t deny there was a chemistry between us. Did you say your aftershave was called “Old Schwarma Spice?”

JOE BIDEN PLEDGES VOW OF SILENCE IF ELECTED

A verbal blunder committed by Senator Joe Biden when describing the shortcomings of his fellow democratic presidential candidates has caused so much negative publicity that Biden said if elected President, he will take a vow of silence and speak just once a year at his State of the Union address. “I am deeply, regrettably and utterly sorry for my careless, incautious, tactless, unthinking, irresponsible, unfortunate language choice that I inadvertently and inarticulately oververbalized,” said a remorseful Biden. “As penance, I will forego living in the White House and will reside at a remote retreat deep in the woods." Biden is said to already be interviewing for a round-the-clock staff of sign language interpreters to employ at his future Camp David home.