CHENEY DODGES ASSASSINATION BY TELLING TALIBAN BOMBER TO F-OFF

A suicide bomber struck the main entrance to Bagram air base in Afghanistan today as Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting. A Taliban spokesman claimed responsibility, saying the intended target was Cheney, however the bomber kept his distance after the Vice President passed him a note that said, “Fuck off. Go bomb someone else.” Afterwards, at least 23 people were carried away in body bags. Cheney left as scheduled and flew to Kabul for his meeting with President Karzai, where he was greeted by a full honor ceremony.