TED HAGGARD EARNS HIS HETEROSEXUAL DEGREE

After three weeks of intensive tutoring, disgraced minister Ted Haggard says he no longer thinks about his penis therapist and the treatments he used to receive for his 2003 zipper accident. “I studied hard to become a certified heterosexual, and with my new degree, I’m going to have sexual relations with my wife and enjoy it,” proclaimed an upbeat Haggard. His private male tutor said that after helping him finish his course load, Haggard graduated with honors, summa cum loudly.