KURT WALDHEIM REMEMBERED

Kurt Waldheim, the former UN secretary general with a Nazi past, has died at the age of 88. Some of his colleagues remember him as follows:

“We were friends since our Hitler youth days, and I have fond memories of him from summer SS camp.”
—Pope Benedict XVI

“He inspired my love for hatred.”
—David Duke, white supremacist

“He was a great mentor and taught me the virtues of propaganda and fearmongering.”
—Dick Cheney

“My strategies are a love letter to his regime.”
—Karl Rove

“He was the life of the party.”
—Paris Hilton

“Never heard of him.”
—George W. Bush

GONZALES GETS VOTE OF CONFIDENCE

Republicans blocked a Senate no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, rejecting a symbolic Democratic effort to force him from office amid heightened criticism from lawmakers in both parties. “I am pleased that the Senate has such unwavering confidence in Fredo,” said the President. “I have always had confidence in him, will continue to have confidence in him and am confident that the Congress will continue to have confidence in this Attorney General. But I’m the confider, and who the nation has confidence in is ultimately up to me.”

BUSH MAKES PAPAL FAUX PAS

President Bush drew gasps at the Vatican on Saturday by referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "Mr. Pope” instead of the expected "His Holiness," according to reporters. When the pontiff asked him if he was going to meet with officials of the lay Catholic Sant'Egidio community at the US embassy during his visit, the US leader was heard to say, "Mr. Pope, sounds like a plan." In addition, the President apparently greeted a cardinal in the corridor with, "Nice robe. How’s it hangin'?” White House spokespersons have refused to comment on the President’s casual vernacular except to say that George W. Bush has always been a man of the papal.

BUSH PARDONS PARIS HILTON

After pressure from many Republicans to pardon Scooter Libby, President Bush has settled on Paris Hilton instead. “Ms. Hilton should not be faulted for her drinking problem,” he said. "Many people who enjoy one too many go on to become the president. If I had been behind bars instead of in the bar, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am confident that one day, President Hilton and the nation will thank me." When Mr. Libby requested the same treatment as Ms. Hilton, President Bush responded, "I would have considered it if he had downed a couple bottles of Cuervo and woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse, but unfortunately, I don’t see any future for him as the president now.”

LENIENCY LETTERS SENT TO LIBBY’S JUDGE

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison Tuesday for lying and obstructing a CIA leak investigation. Many had written letters asking for leniency on his behalf. Here are some excerpts:

"I think the name 'Scooter' has been punishment enough."
—Alberto Gonzales

“Neocons don’t go to jail.”
—Donald Rumsfeld

“He has paid his debt to society and never used ‘pay pal’.”
—Paul Wolfowitz

“That was nothing. You want to see some real crimes?”
—Henry Kissinger

“It's too dangerous for him in here. He'll need a rectum repair kit his first day.”
—Jack Abramoff

“His only problem was he lacked greed, and that is not a crime.”
—Ivan Boesky, former Wall Street insider trader

“He couldn't have done it. He wasn’t even wearing a glove.”
—O.J. Simpson

“A day without hairspray would be cruel and unusual punishment.”
—Phil Specter

“But he totally passed the breathalizer."
—Paris Hilton

“He was a fine chief of staff, and he’ll be an exemplary prisoner.”
—Dick Cheney

MARY CHENEY GIVES BIRTH TO HAL BURTON

Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, has given birth to a baby boy whom she is planning to bring up with her long-time lesbian partner, Heather Poe. The beaming Vice President and Mrs. Cheney visited Mary in the hospital and helped choose the name. While Hal Burton topped the Vice President's list, other names he suggested were Earl Derrick and Mo Rich. The couple will not say who the father is, but DNA samples point to either David Crosby, Karl Rove or the Vice President.

ALBERTO GONZALES TO HEAD WORLD BANK

In response to mounting pressure from both sides of the political spectrum, President Bush has asked Alberto Gonzales to step down as Attorney General. “As far as I’m concerned, Fredo didn’t do anything wrong,” said Bush. “But to appease all you cry babies, I have asked him to gather all his loopholes and to be on his way.” It is said that Bush has subsequently appointed Gonzales to replace Paul Wolfowitz as President of the World Bank. “I wanted someone who has a passion for lifting people out of poverty to lead this poverty-fighting institution, and I know Fredo is up to the task. He grew up a Mexican in San Antonio, so he knows a thing or two about subsisting on beans.” It is purported that the President has already appointed a successor to Gonzales’ old position and that Paul Wolfowitz will be the next Attorney General.

PAUL WOLFOWITZ PONDERS NEW CAREER

As Paul Wolfowitz prepares to step down as the head of World Bank, which is responsible for providing finance and advice to countries for the purposes of economic development and eliminating poverty, he is considering the following career options:

1. Loan officer in Afghanistan
2. Brinks driver in Darfur
3. Falafel stand owner on Gaza Strip
4. Pakistani cartographer
5. Iranian arms inspector
6. Starting war architecture firm with Henry Kissinger
7. Head of Jerry Falwell Ministries
8. Head of Walter Reed Army Hospital
9. U.S. Attorney General
10. Iraqi Prime Minister

FALWELL’S FLOCK FOLLOWS TED HAGGARD TO NEW CHURCH

In the event of Jerry Falwell’s death, many of his followers have decided to follow Ted Haggard to his new 'Church of the Unbiased Pious.' “I didn’t want to leave Jerry, out of loyalty,” said Mike Johnstern of Lynchburg, Virginia, who was holding hands with his Bible study buddy. “But Ted is homo friendly, and if he can be one, why can’t we?” “Ditto,” replied the buddy. “For the love of Jesus!” It is said that other latent or closeted Jerry Falwell homosexuals are also following suit. “It don’t do me no good to look like a big ol' dyke if I cain’t act on my looks,” said Betsy Stalwart. “If Jesus loves me this a way, then why cain't everyone else?” While some have been critical of Haggard's past, he defends his sexuality, as well as his decision to start the new church and to solicit Falwell’s followers. After receiving counseling for homosexuality, Haggard proclaimed he is “completely heterosexual,” and now he has proclaimed that Jerry Falwell is “completely dead.”

PUTIN AND RICE AGREE TO TONE DOWN RHETORIC

According to Russia’s foreign minister, Condoleeza Rice met Vladimir Putin to discuss growing rifts between Moscow and Washington and agreed that the rhetoric in US-Russian relations should be toned down. Here is a sample of the exchange that followed:

Rice: How ‘bout that Sanjaya?
Putin: Only in America.
Rice: We are a multicultural society.
Putin: I know. You still have our Yakov Smirnov.
Rice: That was his choice.
Putin: Of course. What Russian wouldn’t choose to live in Branson, Missouri?
Rice: He has his own theatre.
Putin: I will vote for Jordin Sparks. Maybe she will go to Branson too.
Rice: Wise choice.
Putin: The number is toll free, right?
Rice: Yes. Or you can send a text message.
Putin: Maybe I'll vote twice.
Rice: I'll make sure she pays a visit to Russia if she wins.
Putin: I will mark my Kremlin calendar.
Rice: We are good then?
Putin: We are good.

QUEEN NOT AMUSED AT BUSH’S FART JOKE

A source inside the White House said that in honor of the Queen’s visit, the President saved his best fart joke for their white-tie state dinner. The President’s mother, Barbara Bush, in attendance, apologized afterwards to Her Majesty and said that she had hoped her son would behave himself. “He’s a good boy, but sometimes I have to separate him from the other boys,” said Mrs. Bush. “I think Karl and Dick are a bad influence.” As the state dining room brimmed with white roses, vermeil centerpieces and pearl-handled flatware, the Queen replied tartly, “Then give him a time out. Flatulent humor is not my cup of tea.” Since no one would repeat the joke, it is said that the producers of “The Aristocrats” are already working on a documentary about it and will interview many of the state dinner attendees. 

ROVE AND CHENEY SAY MOTHER NATURE JUST GOING THROUGH ‘THE CHANGE’

Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have teamed up against Sheryl Crow and Laurie David to attack their heated position on global warming. “This bunk about climate change is merely the Hollywood elite’s scourge du jour,” said Rove. "Mother Nature is merely going through menopause. She may not look as good in a bikini as she once did, but she can still tan like a super model.” The Vice President concurred. “Blaming her erratic, irrational behavior on fossil fuels is like a woman with PMS telling her husband it’s his fault for her feeling bloated. That's why our good friends at Bristol-Myers Squibb have teamed up with Halliburton to provide an effective hormone replacement therapy program for the remainder of Mrs. Earth's life—at the U.S. government's expense."

CASTRO BEQUEATHS COUNTRY TO DOCTOR

Covert sources have confirmed that Fidel Castro, in his failing health, would like to reward his stomach doctor for his long-term care, so in lieu of a financial reward, the dictator has bequeathed him his country. The physician, known in Cuba as simply, "Castroenterologist,” will one day swap his surgical scrubs for army fatigues as he leads the country’s next revolution. It is said that Fidel’s brother, Raul—once thought to be the heir apparent to the dictatorship—will instead receive the secret Castro family recipe for fried plantains.

WHITE HOUSE CELEBRATES FOURTH ANNIVERSARY OF ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’

As President Bush and members of his administrations were about to leave Washington for the fourth-anniversary celebration of his "Mission Accomplished'' ceremony, he received the war spending bill that he promised to veto. While Republicans claim the Democrats were trying to sabotage their long-awaited masquerade ball, the Dems claim the timing is a coincidence. “We did not consciously try to stop their masquerade,” said Nancy Pelosi. “But we have no control over Congress’ subconscious.” The masquerade ball was to take place on an aircraft carrier in San Diego. The President was to dress up as a Navy pilot, the Vice President and Karl Rove were to wear co-pilot costumes, and the First Lady and Secretary Rice were to go as USO girls.

BUSH TO DEMS: “DO NOT TEST MY WILL”

Despite growing criticism of US policy in Iraq, President Bush has warned Democrats not to test his will after he vetoes a bill withdrawing US troops from Iraq. “I’ve had a couple of others in this administration challenge my will, and they're not gonna let it happen."

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF GEORGE W. BUSH

January 20, 2001

All property and financial holdings, including domestic and international ranches, oilwells, cities, states, regions, dominions, nations, bank accounts, Certificates of Deposit, stock, retirement plans and IRAs will be divided among the following:

Primary Beneficiaries

Karl Rove 50%
Richard B. Cheney 50%

Secondary Beneficiaries

Richard B. Cheney 50%
Karl Rove 50%

GEORGE TENET SAYS REASON FOR WAR WAS A CHARADE

Former CIA director, George Tenet, has lashed out against Vice President Dick Cheney in a new book, accusing him of egging him on into making the case that Iraq had WMD. “We were playing charades one night, and he jumped up and made the gesture of swooshing a basketball into a net. Well, with four Scotches into me, I yelled, ‘It’s a slam dunk!’ Then the next day, I found out that Bush had signed off to go to war, and ever since, they’ve pinned it on me. If I had said it was a free throw or a bank shot, we wouldn't be in this mess. When I realized later it was all a charade and that Cheney didn’t really want to play with me that night, it hurt. I only accepted that Medal of Honor so I could sell it on eBay.”

BETTY FORD CENTER OPENS NEW SANJAYA WING

A spokesperson for the Betty Ford Center has announced the opening of the new Sanjaya wing, devoted to young people of questionable, still-burgeoning talent who are catapulted into a position of wealth and fame without cultivating the coping skills required to deal with their inevitable reality. "Since Sanjaya Malakar's aspiration of being a musician, actor and model makes him a triple threat, he is three times as likely to fall victim to substance abuse, be it alcohol, drugs or hairspray inhalation," she said. "We had originally planned to name the new wing after the young actress who played Tracy Partridge on the” Partridge Family,” but we were pleasantly surprised to find that she had gone on to become a concert tamborinist with the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields, led by Sir Neville Mariner."

MOUNTING WHITE HOUSE INVESTIGATIONS BEING OUTSOURCED TO INDIA

The ever-increasing number of White House scandals have placed an undue burden on American independent inquiries, according to the Wall Street Journal. As a result, many of these investigations are being outsourced to India and other countries. “Not only does this violate NAFTA, these investigations are unpatriotic,” said Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. “Eliminating all of these inquiries from our work force is taking thousands of jobs away from Americans and is allowing other countries to gain on us in the truth-telling sector. We are going to have to learn to become more self-sufficient as this burgeoning field continues to rise. In the next year and a half alone, we could put every unemployed person in this country back to work.”

CHENEY RESUMES NORMAL SCHEDULE AFTER BLOOD CLOT GETS HIGH MARKS

Doctors said the blood clot in Vice President Cheney's left leg is slowly getting smaller, according to a spokeswoman. After Cheney went to his doctor's office for an ultrasound of the clot, he returned to the White House to resume his normal afternoon schedule.

12:00 pm White House lunch with Chevron execs to determine oil-price fluctuations in upcoming political season

1:00 pm Meet with Halliburton CFO to discuss profit-sharing plan

1:30 pm Meet with Dubai realtor

2:00 pm Shooting practice with head of NRA and Antonin Scalia

3:00 pm Review Iran blueprints with Paul Wolfowitz

3:30 pm Acupressure on leg and massage of Iranian intelligence

4:30 pm Conference call with Osama bin Laden in Pakistan cave and script doctor in Hollywood bungalow to discuss next video

5:00 pm Happy hour with Ken Lay—now Kendra Laymer—to discuss his and her Cayman Island accounts

IF HILLARY IS ELECTED, HUBBY WILL BECOME MR. FIXIT

Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected president, she would make her husband a roaming ambassador to the world, and he would use his skills to repair the United States' tattered image abroad. "We all know about his roaming eye, and since we got separate bedrooms, he’s been a do-it-yourselfer,” she said. “As president, I will parlay those gifts into his new position as America’s Mr. Fixit. Just as Jimmy Carter builds single-family dwellings one house at a time, Bill’s ‘Habit For Humanity’ will enable him to erect new diplomatic relations one Iraqi, Afghani, Iranian, North Korean and Palestinian at a time. He’s got his tool belt strapped on, and he’s ready to do some nailing.”

“THE DUBAI OILBILLIES”

[Sung to the melody of the Beverly Hillbillies theme]

Come and listen to a story about a man named Dick
A rich billionaire, owned the oil in every slick
Then one day he was huntin’ for more crude
And up through the ground came a bubblin’ dude.

Satan, that is, the devil, Lucifer.

Well the first thing you know ol’ Dick has a scare
Halliburton folk said ‘Dick move away from there’
Said ‘the Middle East is the best place to lie’
So he loaded up his loot and he moved to Dubai.

Tax shelters, that is, oil barons, corporate thieves.

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Dick’s balderdash
And he would like to thank you folks fer all that kindly cash
You’re all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of his crass mendacity.

Neo con man, that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Leave a comment. Y’all come back now, y’hear?

BUSH TELLS TWINS TO SOW WILD OATS BEFORE ROE IS OVERTURNED

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling to uphold the Federal Abortion Ban, President Bush told his daughters in a heart-to-heart conference call that now is the time to have unprotected sex. “Girls, if you’re anything like your dad, you’ve got some wild oats to sow,” he said. “Not to mention wheat, barley and rye. Hell, the entire granary," he chuckled. "So I suggest you sow ‘em now while you can still destroy the evidence of your indiscretions. If you wait ‘til Roe is overturned, you’ll be reminded of that pole dance for the next 18 years. My whole administration is giving their girls the same advice. Even Condi’s gonna have one, and she can’t even ovulate.”

PROMINENT REPUBLICANS DEMAND GONZALES TAKE ALZHEIMER’S DRUG

Though tests in March proved he did not have Alzheimer’s disease, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faced growing demands from leading Republicans to take the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept®, even as the White House continued to back his memory. During an intensive grilling session from the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales apologized for his lack of clarity regarding the attorney firings but said that his recollection of the Raquel Welch poster he had on his wall as a prepubescent boy was strong and that he would still be able to function effectively in his current position without medication. “I have been pleased with the Attorney General's memory in the past, and I have full confidence in his memory's future,” said President Bush. The ranking Republican on the panel, Senator Arlen Specter, said he would not publicly demand Gonzales take the drug but recommended that he ask his doctor if Aricept® is right for him.*

*Some Attorney Generals may experience fainting, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bruising, cramps, loss of appetite, insomnia or bleeding ulcers.

**For results of Alzheimer’s test, see blog from MARCH 31, 2007
GONZALES TAKES ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR FAULTY MEMORY

FINANCIAL REPORT SHOWS EDWARDS SPENT $18 AT SUPERCUTS

After it was disclosed that John Edwards’ campaign committee picked up the tab for a haircut costing $18 at SUPERCUTS, Republicans have spoken out. “Not only is an $18 cut unpresidential,” said Newt Gingrich, “he had a $2 off coupon, so he only paid $16. This sends the wrong message to the two Americas he’s always talking about. He is depriving corporate America of those $2, while rewarding the second America with a discount for being too fat and lazy to get a better job so they can afford a $400 haircut.” SUPERCUTS stylist Lawanda Robinson defended Edwards. “He was no penny pincher,” she said. "He was thinking about getting the Sanjaya faux hawk before he even saw the $4 off faux hawk coupon sitting on the counter. But when he found out how long it would take, he said ‘maybe next time.’”

MISSING KARL ROVE EMAIL DISCOVERED

From: Karl Rove
Subject: Covering our Asses
Date: October 20, 2004 12:20:07 AM
To: POTUS

Hey Dub,

In addition to firing the attorneys, I’ve been thinking of new attacks on the country we could plan in the event that any more Dems or reporters stick their noses where they don’t belong. Here’s one I think you’ll really like.

We get a North Korean suicidist to murder a bunch of students on a college campus in the South. Not only does it take the American people’s minds off whatever scandal we're trying to cover up, it gives us carte blanche to strike North Korea. It also plays to two of our favorite subjects—terrorism and immigration. Plus, you can make a speech on the campus the next day and appear compassionate like after 9/11 (we’ll get ahold of that brilliant makeup artist with the faux tears again). And man, will your approval ratings soar!

I think we’ll know when the right time to strike will be. I'll get one of my underlings to find us the North Korean.

Karl

P.S. They don’t call me your brain for nothing!

WHITE HOUSE TO BECOME NATIONAL NEOCON PRISON AND MUSEUM

It is purported that some top Democrats have proposed turning the White House into the National Neocon Federal Penitentiary and Holocaust Museum. “We will continue to see the horror that the cons have wreaked upon the nation and the world for decades to come,” said Dennis Kucinich. “This will be a potent reminder of their legacy so that we will never forget.” In addition to housing the cons for the remainder of their days, several rooms will be used as museum space and archives. For instance, the former Roosevelt Room—now the Ruse Room—will catalog all the cons’ lies alphabetically, and researchers will be able to track them via the computers’ special “Find Falsehood” search engine. “It's unfortunate that when grade school tours visit, they will no longer see the White House as the pillar of democracy for which this country’s ideals were built upon,” said Barbara Boxer. “Instead, they’ll come here to do research and point at the caged animals. Some have suggested offering petting-zoo privileges, but I think Dick Cheney is too dangerous.” Several rooms, such as the Sodomy Suite—once known as the Lincoln Bedroom—will no longer be available to the public.

BUSH SAYS EVERYONE IN HIS CABINET IS DOING A HECKUVA JOB

Frustrated with the continual need to defend his administration, President Bush held a press conference to proclaim that this would be his last statement concerning anything that anyone in his administration has been accused of doing or will be accused of doing in the future. “This partisan witch hunt is taking time away from the job we are all doing to defend America from the terrorists,” he said. “This is the last time I'm gonna say it—Alberto Gonzales, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice and the new ambassador of Belgium are all doing a heckuva job and will continue to do a heckuva job. Helen Thomas: put your hand down for the next year and a half. There will be no more questions.”

HEAD OF WORLD BANK TO RECEIVE UNEMPLOYMENT

Iraq war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, is said to be on shaky ground as president of the World Bank since the disclosure that he helped arrange an exorbitant pay raise for a bank official with whom he was romantically involved. It is purported that if asked to step down, he will not be charged with any wrongdoing and would be entitled to unemployment compensation. An inside source said if that turns out to be the scenario, Vice President Dick Cheney has offered to pay him under the table to draft the blueprint for the Iran war so he could still collect his $920 a month.

BUSH SAYS DEMOCRATS DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR TROOPS OR OUR EMBRYOS

After the Democrat-led Senate passed new legislation seeking to allow federal funding for cutting-edge embryonic stem cell research, a peeved President Bush announced that he would veto yet another bill. “These embryos are human beings and must be protected. I will not support a bill that requires taxpayers to fund the destruction of human life. The Democrats are trying to withhold money from our brave troops in Iraq, yet they want to send defenseless human beings out to battle cancer, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. The Democrats don’t care about our troops or our embryos. That's why I'm killing both bills."

‘GIRLS GONE WILD’ FOUNDER TO MAKE COMPROMISING VIDEOS OF JANET RENO

After seven women sued “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis, claiming they were underage when filmed in sexually provocative situations on a Florida beach, a federal judge sentenced him to make videos of Janet Reno baring her breasts. “Ms. Reno will be available during spring break," said the judge, "and Sex on the Beach Jello Shooters are her favorite.” After hearing the verdict, Francis became enraged and yelled obscenities, to which the judge banged his gavel and replied, “I also order you to shoot Katherine Harris without her makeup on.” Francis is currently in jail after refusing to serve his sentence.