CASTRO BEQUEATHS COUNTRY TO DOCTOR

Covert sources have confirmed that Fidel Castro, in his failing health, would like to reward his stomach doctor for his long-term care, so in lieu of a financial reward, the dictator has bequeathed him his country. The physician, known in Cuba as simply, "Castroenterologist,” will one day swap his surgical scrubs for army fatigues as he leads the country’s next revolution. It is said that Fidel’s brother, Raul—once thought to be the heir apparent to the dictatorship—will instead receive the secret Castro family recipe for fried plantains.