The Noose Wire

KURT WALDHEIM REMEMBERED

2007-06-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

Kurt Waldheim, the former UN secretary general with a Nazi past, has died at the age of 88. Some of his colleagues remember him as follows:

“We were friends since our Hitler youth days, and I have fond memories of him from summer SS camp.”
—Pope Benedict XVI

“He inspired my love for hatred.”
—David Duke, white supremacist

“He was a great mentor and taught me the virtues of propaganda and fearmongering.”
—Dick Cheney

“My strategies are a love letter to his regime.”
—Karl Rove

“He was the life of the party.”
—Paris Hilton

“Never heard of him.”
—George W. Bush

GONZALES GETS VOTE OF CONFIDENCE

2007-06-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

Republicans blocked a Senate no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, rejecting a symbolic Democratic effort to force him from office amid heightened criticism from lawmakers in both parties. “I am pleased that the Senate has such unwavering confidence in Fredo,” said the President. “I have always had confidence in him, will continue to have confidence in him and am confident that the Congress will continue to have confidence in this Attorney General. But I’m the confider, and who the nation has confidence in is ultimately up to me.”

BUSH MAKES PAPAL FAUX PAS

2007-06-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

President Bush drew gasps at the Vatican on Saturday by referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "Mr. Pope” instead of the expected "His Holiness," according to reporters. When the pontiff asked him if he was going to meet with officials of the lay Catholic Sant'Egidio community at the US embassy during his visit, the US leader was heard to say, "Mr. Pope, sounds like a plan." In addition, the President apparently greeted a cardinal in the corridor with, "Nice robe. How’s it hangin'?” White House spokespersons have refused to comment on the President’s casual vernacular except to say that George W. Bush has always been a man of the papal.

BUSH PARDONS PARIS HILTON

2007-06-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

After pressure from many Republicans to pardon Scooter Libby, President Bush has settled on Paris Hilton instead. “Ms. Hilton should not be faulted for her drinking problem,” he said. "Many people who enjoy one too many go on to become the president. If I had been behind bars instead of in the bar, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am confident that one day, President Hilton and the nation will thank me." When Mr. Libby requested the same treatment as Ms. Hilton, President Bush responded, "I would have considered it if he had downed a couple bottles of Cuervo and woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse, but unfortunately, I don’t see any future for him as the president now.”

LENIENCY LETTERS SENT TO LIBBY’S JUDGE

2007-06-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison Tuesday for lying and obstructing a CIA leak investigation. Many had written letters asking for leniency on his behalf. Here are some excerpts:

"I think the name 'Scooter' has been punishment enough."
—Alberto Gonzales

“Neocons don’t go to jail.”
—Donald Rumsfeld

“He has paid his debt to society and never used ‘pay pal’.”
—Paul Wolfowitz

“That was nothing. You want to see some real crimes?”
—Henry Kissinger

“It's too dangerous for him in here. He'll need a rectum repair kit his first day.”
—Jack Abramoff

“His only problem was he lacked greed, and that is not a crime.”
—Ivan Boesky, former Wall Street insider trader

“He couldn't have done it. He wasn’t even wearing a glove.”
—O.J. Simpson

“A day without hairspray would be cruel and unusual punishment.”
—Phil Specter

“But he totally passed the breathalizer."
—Paris Hilton

“He was a fine chief of staff, and he’ll be an exemplary prisoner.”
—Dick Cheney

MARY CHENEY GIVES BIRTH TO HAL BURTON

2007-05-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, has given birth to a baby boy whom she is planning to bring up with her long-time lesbian partner, Heather Poe. The beaming Vice President and Mrs. Cheney visited Mary in the hospital and helped choose the name. While Hal Burton topped the Vice President's list, other names he suggested were Earl Derrick and Mo Rich. The couple will not say who the father is, but DNA samples point to either David Crosby, Karl Rove or the Vice President.

ALBERTO GONZALES TO HEAD WORLD BANK

2007-05-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

In response to mounting pressure from both sides of the political spectrum, President Bush has asked Alberto Gonzales to step down as Attorney General. “As far as I’m concerned, Fredo didn’t do anything wrong,” said Bush. “But to appease all you cry babies, I have asked him to gather all his loopholes and to be on his way.” It is said that Bush has subsequently appointed Gonzales to replace Paul Wolfowitz as President of the World Bank. “I wanted someone who has a passion for lifting people out of poverty to lead this poverty-fighting institution, and I know Fredo is up to the task. He grew up a Mexican in San Antonio, so he knows a thing or two about subsisting on beans.” It is purported that the President has already appointed a successor to Gonzales’ old position and that Paul Wolfowitz will be the next Attorney General.

PAUL WOLFOWITZ PONDERS NEW CAREER

2007-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

As Paul Wolfowitz prepares to step down as the head of World Bank, which is responsible for providing finance and advice to countries for the purposes of economic development and eliminating poverty, he is considering the following career options:

1. Loan officer in Afghanistan
2. Brinks driver in Darfur
3. Falafel stand owner on Gaza Strip
4. Pakistani cartographer
5. Iranian arms inspector
6. Starting war architecture firm with Henry Kissinger
7. Head of Jerry Falwell Ministries
8. Head of Walter Reed Army Hospital
9. U.S. Attorney General
10. Iraqi Prime Minister

FALWELL’S FLOCK FOLLOWS TED HAGGARD TO NEW CHURCH

2007-05-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

In the event of Jerry Falwell’s death, many of his followers have decided to follow Ted Haggard to his new 'Church of the Unbiased Pious.' “I didn’t want to leave Jerry, out of loyalty,” said Mike Johnstern of Lynchburg, Virginia, who was holding hands with his Bible study buddy. “But Ted is homo friendly, and if he can be one, why can’t we?” “Ditto,” replied the buddy. “For the love of Jesus!” It is said that other latent or closeted Jerry Falwell homosexuals are also following suit. “It don’t do me no good to look like a big ol' dyke if I cain’t act on my looks,” said Betsy Stalwart. “If Jesus loves me this a way, then why cain't everyone else?” While some have been critical of Haggard's past, he defends his sexuality, as well as his decision to start the new church and to solicit Falwell’s followers. After receiving counseling for homosexuality, Haggard proclaimed he is “completely heterosexual,” and now he has proclaimed that Jerry Falwell is “completely dead.”

PUTIN AND RICE AGREE TO TONE DOWN RHETORIC

2007-05-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

According to Russia’s foreign minister, Condoleeza Rice met Vladimir Putin to discuss growing rifts between Moscow and Washington and agreed that the rhetoric in US-Russian relations should be toned down. Here is a sample of the exchange that followed:

Rice: How ‘bout that Sanjaya?
Putin: Only in America.
Rice: We are a multicultural society.
Putin: I know. You still have our Yakov Smirnov.
Rice: That was his choice.
Putin: Of course. What Russian wouldn’t choose to live in Branson, Missouri?
Rice: He has his own theatre.
Putin: I will vote for Jordin Sparks. Maybe she will go to Branson too.
Rice: Wise choice.
Putin: The number is toll free, right?
Rice: Yes. Or you can send a text message.
Putin: Maybe I'll vote twice.
Rice: I'll make sure she pays a visit to Russia if she wins.
Putin: I will mark my Kremlin calendar.
Rice: We are good then?
Putin: We are good.

QUEEN NOT AMUSED AT BUSH’S FART JOKE

2007-05-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

A source inside the White House said that in honor of the Queen’s visit, the President saved his best fart joke for their white-tie state dinner. The President’s mother, Barbara Bush, in attendance, apologized afterwards to Her Majesty and said that she had hoped her son would behave himself. “He’s a good boy, but sometimes I have to separate him from the other boys,” said Mrs. Bush. “I think Karl and Dick are a bad influence.” As the state dining room brimmed with white roses, vermeil centerpieces and pearl-handled flatware, the Queen replied tartly, “Then give him a time out. Flatulent humor is not my cup of tea.” Since no one would repeat the joke, it is said that the producers of “The Aristocrats” are already working on a documentary about it and will interview many of the state dinner attendees.

ROVE AND CHENEY SAY MOTHER NATURE JUST GOING THROUGH ‘THE CHANGE’

2007-05-03T15:29:00.000-07:00

Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have teamed up against Sheryl Crow and Laurie David to attack their heated position on global warming. “This bunk about climate change is merely the Hollywood elite’s scourge du jour,” said Rove. "Mother Nature is merely going through menopause. She may not look as good in a bikini as she once did, but she can still tan like a super model.” The Vice President concurred. “Blaming her erratic, irrational behavior on fossil fuels is like a woman with PMS telling her husband it’s his fault for her feeling bloated. That's why our good friends at Bristol-Myers Squibb have teamed up with Halliburton to provide an effective hormone replacement therapy program for the remainder of Mrs. Earth's life—at the U.S. government's expense."

CASTRO BEQUEATHS COUNTRY TO DOCTOR

2007-05-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

Covert sources have confirmed that Fidel Castro, in his failing health, would like to reward his stomach doctor for his long-term care, so in lieu of a financial reward, the dictator has bequeathed him his country. The physician, known in Cuba as simply, "Castroenterologist,” will one day swap his surgical scrubs for army fatigues as he leads the country’s next revolution. It is said that Fidel’s brother, Raul—once thought to be the heir apparent to the dictatorship—will instead receive the secret Castro family recipe for fried plantains.

WHITE HOUSE CELEBRATES FOURTH ANNIVERSARY OF ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’

2007-05-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

As President Bush and members of his administrations were about to leave Washington for the fourth-anniversary celebration of his "Mission Accomplished'' ceremony, he received the war spending bill that he promised to veto. While Republicans claim the Democrats were trying to sabotage their long-awaited masquerade ball, the Dems claim the timing is a coincidence. “We did not consciously try to stop their masquerade,” said Nancy Pelosi. “But we have no control over Congress’ subconscious.” The masquerade ball was to take place on an aircraft carrier in San Diego. The President was to dress up as a Navy pilot, the Vice President and Karl Rove were to wear co-pilot costumes, and the First Lady and Secretary Rice were to go as USO girls.

BUSH TO DEMS: “DO NOT TEST MY WILL”

2007-04-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

Despite growing criticism of US policy in Iraq, President Bush has warned Democrats not to test his will after he vetoes a bill withdrawing US troops from Iraq. “I’ve had a couple of others in this administration challenge my will, and they're not gonna let it happen."

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF GEORGE W. BUSH

January 20, 2001

All property and financial holdings, including domestic and international ranches, oilwells, cities, states, regions, dominions, nations, bank accounts, Certificates of Deposit, stock, retirement plans and IRAs will be divided among the following:

Primary Beneficiaries

Karl Rove 50%
Richard B. Cheney 50%

Secondary Beneficiaries

Richard B. Cheney 50%
Karl Rove 50%

GEORGE TENET SAYS REASON FOR WAR WAS A CHARADE

2007-04-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

Former CIA director, George Tenet, has lashed out against Vice President Dick Cheney in a new book, accusing him of egging him on into making the case that Iraq had WMD. “We were playing charades one night, and he jumped up and made the gesture of swooshing a basketball into a net. Well, with four Scotches into me, I yelled, ‘It’s a slam dunk!’ Then the next day, I found out that Bush had signed off to go to war, and ever since, they’ve pinned it on me. If I had said it was a free throw or a bank shot, we wouldn't be in this mess. When I realized later it was all a charade and that Cheney didn’t really want to play with me that night, it hurt. I only accepted that Medal of Honor so I could sell it on eBay.”

BETTY FORD CENTER OPENS NEW SANJAYA WING

2007-04-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

A spokesperson for the Betty Ford Center has announced the opening of the new Sanjaya wing, devoted to young people of questionable, still-burgeoning talent who are catapulted into a position of wealth and fame without cultivating the coping skills required to deal with their inevitable reality. "Since Sanjaya Malakar's aspiration of being a musician, actor and model makes him a triple threat, he is three times as likely to fall victim to substance abuse, be it alcohol, drugs or hairspray inhalation," she said. "We had originally planned to name the new wing after the young actress who played Tracy Partridge on the” Partridge Family,” but we were pleasantly surprised to find that she had gone on to become a concert tamborinist with the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields, led by Sir Neville Mariner."

MOUNTING WHITE HOUSE INVESTIGATIONS BEING OUTSOURCED TO INDIA

2007-04-25T08:18:00.001-07:00

The ever-increasing number of White House scandals have placed an undue burden on American independent inquiries, according to the Wall Street Journal. As a result, many of these investigations are being outsourced to India and other countries. “Not only does this violate NAFTA, these investigations are unpatriotic,” said Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. “Eliminating all of these inquiries from our work force is taking thousands of jobs away from Americans and is allowing other countries to gain on us in the truth-telling sector. We are going to have to learn to become more self-sufficient as this burgeoning field continues to rise. In the next year and a half alone, we could put every unemployed person in this country back to work.”

CHENEY RESUMES NORMAL SCHEDULE AFTER BLOOD CLOT GETS HIGH MARKS

2007-04-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

Doctors said the blood clot in Vice President Cheney's left leg is slowly getting smaller, according to a spokeswoman. After Cheney went to his doctor's office for an ultrasound of the clot, he returned to the White House to resume his normal afternoon schedule.

12:00 pm White House lunch with Chevron execs to determine oil-price fluctuations in upcoming political season

1:00 pm Meet with Halliburton CFO to discuss profit-sharing plan

1:30 pm Meet with Dubai realtor

2:00 pm Shooting practice with head of NRA and Antonin Scalia

3:00 pm Review Iran blueprints with Paul Wolfowitz

3:30 pm Acupressure on leg and massage of Iranian intelligence

4:30 pm Conference call with Osama bin Laden in Pakistan cave and script doctor in Hollywood bungalow to discuss next video

5:00 pm Happy hour with Ken Lay—now Kendra Laymer—to discuss his and her Cayman Island accounts

IF HILLARY IS ELECTED, HUBBY WILL BECOME MR. FIXIT

2007-04-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected president, she would make her husband a roaming ambassador to the world, and he would use his skills to repair the United States' tattered image abroad. "We all know about his roaming eye, and since we got separate bedrooms, he’s been a do-it-yourselfer,” she said. “As president, I will parlay those gifts into his new position as America’s Mr. Fixit. Just as Jimmy Carter builds single-family dwellings one house at a time, Bill’s ‘Habit For Humanity’ will enable him to erect new diplomatic relations one Iraqi, Afghani, Iranian, North Korean and Palestinian at a time. He’s got his tool belt strapped on, and he’s ready to do some nailing.”

“THE DUBAI OILBILLIES”

2007-04-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

[Sung to the melody of the Beverly Hillbillies theme]

Come and listen to a story about a man named Dick
A rich billionaire, owned the oil in every slick
Then one day he was huntin’ for more crude
And up through the ground came a bubblin’ dude.

Satan, that is, the devil, Lucifer.

Well the first thing you know ol’ Dick has a scare
Halliburton folk said ‘Dick move away from there’
Said ‘the Middle East is the best place to lie’
So he loaded up his loot and he moved to Dubai.

Tax shelters, that is, oil barons, corporate thieves.

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Dick’s balderdash
And he would like to thank you folks fer all that kindly cash
You’re all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of his crass mendacity.

Neo con man, that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Leave a comment. Y’all come back now, y’hear?

BUSH TELLS TWINS TO SOW WILD OATS BEFORE ROE IS OVERTURNED

2007-04-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling to uphold the Federal Abortion Ban, President Bush told his daughters in a heart-to-heart conference call that now is the time to have unprotected sex. “Girls, if you’re anything like your dad, you’ve got some wild oats to sow,” he said. “Not to mention wheat, barley and rye. Hell, the entire granary," he chuckled. "So I suggest you sow ‘em now while you can still destroy the evidence of your indiscretions. If you wait ‘til Roe is overturned, you’ll be reminded of that pole dance for the next 18 years. My whole administration is giving their girls the same advice. Even Condi’s gonna have one, and she can’t even ovulate.”

PROMINENT REPUBLICANS DEMAND GONZALES TAKE ALZHEIMER’S DRUG

2007-04-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

Though tests in March proved he did not have Alzheimer’s disease, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faced growing demands from leading Republicans to take the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept®, even as the White House continued to back his memory. During an intensive grilling session from the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales apologized for his lack of clarity regarding the attorney firings but said that his recollection of the Raquel Welch poster he had on his wall as a prepubescent boy was strong and that he would still be able to function effectively in his current position without medication. “I have been pleased with the Attorney General's memory in the past, and I have full confidence in his memory's future,” said President Bush. The ranking Republican on the panel, Senator Arlen Specter, said he would not publicly demand Gonzales take the drug but recommended that he ask his doctor if Aricept® is right for him.*

*Some Attorney Generals may experience fainting, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bruising, cramps, loss of appetite, insomnia or bleeding ulcers.

**For results of Alzheimer’s test, see blog from MARCH 31, 2007
GONZALES TAKES ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR FAULTY MEMORY

FINANCIAL REPORT SHOWS EDWARDS SPENT $18 AT SUPERCUTS

2007-04-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

After it was disclosed that John Edwards’ campaign committee picked up the tab for a haircut costing $18 at SUPERCUTS, Republicans have spoken out. “Not only is an $18 cut unpresidential,” said Newt Gingrich, “he had a $2 off coupon, so he only paid $16. This sends the wrong message to the two Americas he’s always talking about. He is depriving corporate America of those $2, while rewarding the second America with a discount for being too fat and lazy to get a better job so they can afford a $400 haircut.” SUPERCUTS stylist Lawanda Robinson defended Edwards. “He was no penny pincher,” she said. "He was thinking about getting the Sanjaya faux hawk before he even saw the $4 off faux hawk coupon sitting on the counter. But when he found out how long it would take, he said ‘maybe next time.’”

MISSING KARL ROVE EMAIL DISCOVERED

2007-04-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

From: Karl Rove
Subject: Covering our Asses
Date: October 20, 2004 12:20:07 AM
To: POTUS

Hey Dub,

In addition to firing the attorneys, I’ve been thinking of new attacks on the country we could plan in the event that any more Dems or reporters stick their noses where they don’t belong. Here’s one I think you’ll really like.

We get a North Korean suicidist to murder a bunch of students on a college campus in the South. Not only does it take the American people’s minds off whatever scandal we're trying to cover up, it gives us carte blanche to strike North Korea. It also plays to two of our favorite subjects—terrorism and immigration. Plus, you can make a speech on the campus the next day and appear compassionate like after 9/11 (we’ll get ahold of that brilliant makeup artist with the faux tears again). And man, will your approval ratings soar!

I think we’ll know when the right time to strike will be. I'll get one of my underlings to find us the North Korean.

Karl

P.S. They don’t call me your brain for nothing!

WHITE HOUSE TO BECOME NATIONAL NEOCON PRISON AND MUSEUM

2007-04-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

It is purported that some top Democrats have proposed turning the White House into the National Neocon Federal Penitentiary and Holocaust Museum. “We will continue to see the horror that the cons have wreaked upon the nation and the world for decades to come,” said Dennis Kucinich. “This will be a potent reminder of their legacy so that we will never forget.” In addition to housing the cons for the remainder of their days, several rooms will be used as museum space and archives. For instance, the former Roosevelt Room—now the Ruse Room—will catalog all the cons’ lies alphabetically, and researchers will be able to track them via the computers’ special “Find Falsehood” search engine. “It's unfortunate that when grade school tours visit, they will no longer see the White House as the pillar of democracy for which this country’s ideals were built upon,” said Barbara Boxer. “Instead, they’ll come here to do research and point at the caged animals. Some have suggested offering petting-zoo privileges, but I think Dick Cheney is too dangerous.” Several rooms, such as the Sodomy Suite—once known as the Lincoln Bedroom—will no longer be available to the public.

BUSH SAYS EVERYONE IN HIS CABINET IS DOING A HECKUVA JOB

2007-04-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Frustrated with the continual need to defend his administration, President Bush held a press conference to proclaim that this would be his last statement concerning anything that anyone in his administration has been accused of doing or will be accused of doing in the future. “This partisan witch hunt is taking time away from the job we are all doing to defend America from the terrorists,” he said. “This is the last time I'm gonna say it—Alberto Gonzales, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice and the new ambassador of Belgium are all doing a heckuva job and will continue to do a heckuva job. Helen Thomas: put your hand down for the next year and a half. There will be no more questions.”

HEAD OF WORLD BANK TO RECEIVE UNEMPLOYMENT

2007-04-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

Iraq war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, is said to be on shaky ground as president of the World Bank since the disclosure that he helped arrange an exorbitant pay raise for a bank official with whom he was romantically involved. It is purported that if asked to step down, he will not be charged with any wrongdoing and would be entitled to unemployment compensation. An inside source said if that turns out to be the scenario, Vice President Dick Cheney has offered to pay him under the table to draft the blueprint for the Iran war so he could still collect his $920 a month.

BUSH SAYS DEMOCRATS DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR TROOPS OR OUR EMBRYOS

2007-04-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

After the Democrat-led Senate passed new legislation seeking to allow federal funding for cutting-edge embryonic stem cell research, a peeved President Bush announced that he would veto yet another bill. “These embryos are human beings and must be protected. I will not support a bill that requires taxpayers to fund the destruction of human life. The Democrats are trying to withhold money from our brave troops in Iraq, yet they want to send defenseless human beings out to battle cancer, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. The Democrats don’t care about our troops or our embryos. That's why I'm killing both bills."

‘GIRLS GONE WILD’ FOUNDER TO MAKE COMPROMISING VIDEOS OF JANET RENO

2007-04-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

After seven women sued “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis, claiming they were underage when filmed in sexually provocative situations on a Florida beach, a federal judge sentenced him to make videos of Janet Reno baring her breasts. “Ms. Reno will be available during spring break," said the judge, "and Sex on the Beach Jello Shooters are her favorite.” After hearing the verdict, Francis became enraged and yelled obscenities, to which the judge banged his gavel and replied, “I also order you to shoot Katherine Harris without her makeup on.” Francis is currently in jail after refusing to serve his sentence.

A NOOSERY RHYME

2007-04-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

Here we go 'round the mulberry Bush,
The mulberry Bush, the mulberry Bush.
Here we go 'round the mulberry Bush,
So early in the morning.

This is the way we veto a bill,
We veto a bill, we veto a bill,
This is the way we veto a bill,
So early Monday morning.

This is the way we show the Dems,
We show the Dems, we show the Dems,
This is the way we show the Dems,
So early Tuesday morning.

This is the way we treat the troops
We treat the troops, we treat the troops
This is the way we treat the troops
So early Wednesday morning.

This is the way we free Iraq
We free Iraq, we free Iraq
This is the way we free Iraq
So early Thursday morning.

This is the way we take the oil,
We take the oil, we take the oil,
This is the way we take the oil,
So early Friday morning.

This is the way we bomb Iran
We bomb Iran, we bomb Iran
This is the way we bomb Iran
So early Saturday morning.

This is the way to Paraguay,
To Paraguay, to Paraguay,
This is the way to Paraguay,
So early Sunday morning.

BUSH FAMILY SYNDICATE HAS EASTER CELEBRATION AT CRAWFORD RANCH

2007-04-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

Just as the celebrated Sopranos return to HBO tonight minus the popular Vito character, members of the Bush crime family are gathering today to celebrate their veto. In addition to observing the President’s impending war-funds rebuke to Congress, the Bush syndicate will also commemorate the Easter holiday. Activities are said to include a lavish brunch, followed by a whirlwind WMD hunt for the children. The child who finds the most chocolate covered, marshmallow-filled WMD will reportedly receive a real WMD to be put in a trust fund, available for activation when he or she turns 18. The President will also take a bike ride, cut some cedar and play a game of tic tac toe with his dad.

CONGRESS TO VOTE ON CHANGING THE WORD "NEOCON" TO "CON"

2007-04-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

The Democratic-controlled Congress has proposed new legislation to change the administration’s designation from “neocons” to “cons.” “We think their moniker should more closely reflect their ideology and actions,” said Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid. “These conniving, conspiring, contentious, confounding, controlling, contemptible, controversial, contradicting, condescending, contrarian con men and Condi have been conveniently and continuously concealing and concocting the truth for over six years. Hence, they are not ‘neo’ cons at all. Though they have not yet been convicted, Congress thinks that by calling them ‘cons', it will set the wheels in motion. You've heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Well, we are hoping to fulfill this prophecy for them. A concise conclusion is that the cons will soon be in solitary confinement with no conjugal visits from their concubines.

PELOSI AND MALIKI HAVE SECRET E-MAIL RELATIONS*

2007-04-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

From: Nuri al-Maliki
Subject: Your Trip to Syria
Date: April 5, 2007 12:20:07 AM
To: Nancy Pelosi

My Dear House Leader,

I hope you are well. I heard you were in Syria to meet President Bashar al-Assad. This came as much surprise. Bashar is younger and more handsome than me, yes? I thought you and I make booty full music together two month ago. Was our music not better than you and Syrian president make? Did he show you his oud? Why you come to my part of world without visiting me? Do you know how many sheepless nights I have spent thinking of you in your green suit that make your eyeballs shine like precious jewels?

Dear lady, I want nothing more than to have diplomatic relations with you again.

al

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

From: Nancy Pelosi
Subject: Re: Your Trip to Syria
Date: April 5, 2007 4:24:07 PM EST
To: Nuri al-Maliki

Dear al,

It is so nice to hear from you. I hope you are well, considering the situation my country’s so-called "president" has put you in. Let me assure you, the music that Bashar and I made did not compare to the moving aria that you and I experienced. He and I only sang in a diatonic scale, and when he tried to show me his oud, I politely refused.

I hope to visit you again very soon. Maybe we can sneak away from our delegations for some private diplomatic relations. "President" Bush doesn’t even have to know.

Nan

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
*Second in a series. To read first email:
http://thenoosewire.blogspot.com/2007/02/pelosi-and-maliki-have-secret-e-mail.html

TOMMY THOMPSON AND FRED THOMPSON TO BECOME ONE CANDIDATE

2007-04-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

Tommy Thompson, the former governor of Wisconsin and secretary of Health and Human Services in President Bush's administration, has officially kicked off his campaign for president. “There is room in this campaign for only one Thompson,” he announced. “And as of today, I am that Thompson. However, I generously offered to share my candidacy with Fred Thompson, should he decide to enter the race. But there was a “Law & Order” marathon on and he never got back to me. If he does choose to run with me for the co-presidency, we will call ourselves either Frommy Thompson or the Thompson Twins.”

JOHN MCCAIN SAYS DOM DELUISE’S DIET IS WORKING

2007-04-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

A day after members of a Congressional delegation led by Senator John McCain took a brief visit to a Weight Watcher’s facility in Beverly Hills, the presidential hopeful said Dom Deluise was looking svelte. Though he has been on the diet for four years and is still at least 100 pounds overweight, the senator said Deluise not only looked trim, he could be America’s next top model. “People are making his weight out to be more than it is,” said McCain. “He can walk down the street without hearing anyone yell ‘fatso,’ therefore, he is not overly corpulent. Just because he has to wear earplugs every time he leaves the house does not mean he’s obese. I think other Beverly Hills, flab-challenged people like Dom should not be considered overweight either.”

NEWT GINGRICH CREATES ‘NO HOMELESS PERSON LEFT BEHIND’ ACT

2007-04-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

Newt Gingrich’s new “No Homeless Person Left Behind Act” would create a federal program to improve the landscape and morale of the inner city by removing homeless people from the streets. NHPLB would send out trucks with cages driven by “homeless catchers” who would pick up transients and take them to a homeless pound where they will have one week to be adopted by a family before they are put down*. “We don’t need strays hanging around the streets of our cities,” said Gingrich. “They could have fleas, rabies, or worse—voter registration cards. My initiative would care for these people in a very humane fashion. They will receive three hot meals a day in their cages for a week—more than they would get on the street. In fact, I predict that when word gets out, many of them will be dying to get picked up for a week they’ll always remember.”

*Homeless immigrants not eligible for one-week grace period

THE REAL ELTON JOHN GOES ON AARP CRUISE FOR 60TH BIRTHDAY

2007-04-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

Despite claims of a lavish 60th birthday weekend that included a celebrity-filled Madison Square Garden concert on March 25th, it has been confirmed that the Elton John at those events was a professional aging-rock-star body double. The real Elton was said to have been on a senior cruise in the Bahamas. “Most of the time he just sat around in his bejeweled bifocals reading an AARP magazine,” said a cruise entertainer. “When I asked him to sit in on ‘The Bitch Is Back’, he admonished me for using that kind of language. And when I offered to loan him my platinum-blonde wig and boa, he told me to grow up. He seemed happy to eat his pureed chicken, carrot and lima bean dinner each night, though. The highlight was when they brought out a green, piano-shaped jello, and we all sang ’60 Candles in the Wind’ as he attempted to blow out the baby grand.”

BUSH AND JESUS STAND BEHIND ALBERTO GONZALES

2007-04-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

In a press conference, President Bush once again came to the defense of Alberto Gonzales, saying the attorney general is ''honorable and honest'' and will remain in his job. When asked how he came to this determination, the President said, “Because his initials are A.G.—which stands for Attorney General. It’s a sign that this is what he was put on earth to do. The lord had a mandate, and I will not defy the will of the lord. A.G. is providing documents for Congress to find the truth. His birth certificate will prove his given name is Alberto Gonzales, and he will testify in front of Congress that he has always been Alberto Gonzales. If he needs witnesses, I'm sure his mother and the doctor who delivered him will agree to testify," he said.

GONZALES TAKES ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR FAULTY MEMORY

2007-03-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

Since his recent memory loss regarding his involvement with the firings of eight attorneys, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been ordered to take an Alzheimer’s test. Here are the results:

DOCTOR: What day is it?
GONZALES: March 31st

DOCTOR: What year is it?
GONZALES: 2007

DOCTOR: Who is the President?
GONZALES: Dick Cheney

DOCTOR: You will be asked later to remember these three words:
jump, suit, jelly

DOCTOR: Can you spell rail backwards?
GONZALES: Liar

DOCTOR: How many fingers am I holding up?
GONZALES: Just the one middle one

DOCTOR: What were the three words?
GONZALES: jump, suit, jelly

DOCTOR: Test over. You do not have Alzheimer’s. Here is your prison jumpsuit and a tube of K-Y jelly. Say "hi" to Scooter for me.

TROOPS DEMAND NEW UNIFORMS TO REFLECT CURRENT MORALE

2007-03-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

It is reported that the troops in Iraq, suffering from an all-time low morale, have demanded new uniforms to reflect their current state of mind. The new “I’m Not With Stupid” flak jackets don a smiling, toothless President Bush with a two-fingered peace sign behind his head. The back says, “But I Could Kick Your Ass If I Wanted To.” The meticulously worded uniform was designed as a secret peace initiative between the U.S. and the enemy—behind Bush’s back—while reinforcing their military might, should they choose to be the savage imperialist warmongers that the commander in chief demands of them. The new uniforms are said to have already produced results as countless would-be suicide bombers now say they want to live.

EMBOLDENED ENEMY SWIMS ATLANTIC TO ATTACK AMERICA

2007-03-29T07:52:00.002-07:00

A prophetic President Bush proved to be prescient when he said, “If we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq, the enemy will attack us here.” Today, his prediction came true as the Iraqi terrorist landed on American soil to proclaim jihad on our country. Arriving in an inner tube with only the clothes on his back and a weapon of mass destruction, the enemy put his foot on dry land and proclaimed to a group of fishermen, “Death to the infidels! Death to the imperialists! Death to America!" Then he sighed and said, "Phew. My arms are tired. Where’s a Starbucks? I could use a tall Americano."

SENATE APPROVES TIMETABLE TO WITHDRAW BUSH FROM WHITE HOUSE

2007-03-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

On March 27th, the Senate voted to impose a timetable on President Bush’s remaining days in the White House. The bill calls for an immediate, retroactive withdrawal of the President by March 26th, 2007—one day before the measure’s enactment. “We don’t have the funds to support this President anymore,” said Nancy Pelosi. “The brain-related injuries he is suffering from has not only endangered our troops and our country, it has wiped out the treasury. We warned him months ago—if he wanted to wage an endless war, he would have to spend his own money. If he was serious about being the President, he should have gotten a paper route.”

BLAIR TO SHED LEGACY AS BUSH’S POODLE

2007-03-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

This week, Prime Minister Tony Blair witnessed a historic meeting between the two opposing parties whose conflict fueled decades of violence in Northern Ireland. The old enemies—Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams and the Rev. Ian Paisley—agreed to enter a power-sharing government that is set to begin on May 8. This landmark agreement is said to be the crowning achievement of Blair’s 10 years in office and the fulfillment of a crucial objective for his legacy. "I worked on this effin' agreement for the last six years so I wouldn't have to be Bush’s poodle anymore,” he told an aide. “Now I'm an Irish setter," he beamed.

JEB BUSH CAN'T GET INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA

2007-03-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

Former Gov. Jeb Bush was denied an honorary degree at the University of Florida as a result of a 38-28 vote. He was said to be rejected for a variety of reasons, but one concern was his educational record. “While his SATs were 1460 points higher than his older brother’s, we did not think he had the adequate intellect to excel at this institution,” said a senior. Some critics used an anti-nepotist platform to substantiate their "nay" votes. “I don’t care who his pappy or grandpappy was. Jeb Bush is simply not up to sawing in the same woodshop as Bob Vila or punting on the same football field as Emmitt Smith—two of our finest alumni,” said the dean of PE. “I suggest he either try getting into a community college or running for president.”

CHENEY HAS BLOOD CLOT IN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

2007-03-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

While it has been reported that Vice President Cheney has a blood clot in his left leg, inside sources say it is really someplace else. “This deep penis, I mean deep venous thrombosis comes from prolonged inactivity,” his doctor said. “But that’s all I am at liberty to say.” A staffer inside the White House, however, disclosed that Bob Dole and a representative from Pfizer—the maker of Viagra—were in and out of Cheney’s office on several occasions meeting with the V.P. “We are just trying to get Dick up and running again to prevent further blood clots in his "leg,” Dole said with a coy smile.

RAT POISON FOUND IN KARL ROVE’S WET FOOD

2007-03-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

Representatives from Menu Foods have disputed claims that the “Tasty Fixins In Sauce” Karl Rove is known to indulge in was tainted with rat poison. “No one else has reported illness from this product, therefore, we suspect foul play,” said the company's CEO. Rove is said to have only suffered mild symptoms and was seen in the White House afterwards working on the “Hillary’s Lesbian Lovers Speak Out” internet video. A security camera caught the White House chef telling his #2 saucier, “We caught the rat, but he escaped. Only when you finish the job will you be promoted from hollandaise to bernaise."

BUSH FINDS EXIT STRATEGY IN PARAGUAY

2007-03-23T08:32:00.001-07:00

As the pressure mounts in his administration, President Bush is said to be more than ready to settle into his future home in Paraguay. Architects are purportedly hard at work designing “Hacienda Neocon,” where it is said he will spend the remainder of his days. His final home will have an adobe and kevlar exterior, a sharpshooter-guarded couch and remote, and a pinto-bean-shaped swimming pool with special bulletproof water. Pundits have surmised that the President made his six-day Latin American trip last week as an attempt to mend fences with that part of the world before claiming it as his. It is said he will leave Washington the minute he gets the official word of his Crimes Against Humanity charges.

WHITE HOUSE SAYS SUBPOENAS NOT APPROPRIATE IN LIGHT OF LARRY “BUD” MELMAN’S DEATH

2007-03-22T07:56:00.001-07:00

A House Judiciary subcommittee authorized subpoenas Wednesday to force several of President Bush's closest aides to testify about the firings of federal prosecutors. But President Bush told Democrats, “I already made you an offer to interview my folks off the record. Take it or leave it. But if you leave it, I’ll see you in Supreme Court.” After the President stormed out of the meeting, Tony Snow elaborated. “Calvert DeForest, best known for his dead-pan appearances as the pudgy, bespectacled everyman Larry "Bud" Melman on David Letterman's late-night TV show—who had also performed at the pleasure of the President—has died. Under these circumstances, the President feels that subpoenas are unacceptable and that an interview with Karl Rove and Harriet Miers off the record and with no sworn testimony is appropriate.”

JOHN EDWARDS TO HAVE FLING WITH TWO MISS AMERICAS

2007-03-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

Since a study was released that said men who cheat on their wives make better presidents, an inside source says that along with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, John Edwards is now considering having an extramarital affair. “In keeping with my campaign promise, I think I should embrace the two Americas," he told an advisor. “This year’s Miss America and last year’s. If I really want to bring the country together, I could have a three-way. But that might not play with the prudes in Peoria.” It is said he initially chose to have his fling with an obese, shoeless woman from the South to illustrate the second America, but after meeting her, he argued that the analogy would be lost on most voters and that two Miss Americas would be a more potent message.*

*Posted before news of Mrs. Edwards' cancer. Best wishes to them.

HILLARY CLINTON CONSIDERS HAVING EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR

2007-03-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

Since a study was released that said men who cheat on their wives make better presidents, an inside source says Hillary Clinton is considering having an extramarital affair. Though there is no historical data about women presidents or their fidelity, it is said that Mrs. Clinton wants to be strategically proactive. She was heard telling one of her advisors, “Bill and I think both Antonio Banderas and Denzel Washington would make good dalliances from an ethnically forward perspective. But if we decide to skew 18 to 34-year-olds, I am considering Jake Gyllenhaal or Tobey Macguire. Of course, Bill is trying to convince me that husbands who cheat on their presidential-candidate wives perform better in the polls too.”

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS HAVING EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR

2007-03-20T08:33:00.001-07:00

Since a study was released that said men who cheat on their wives make better presidents, an inside source says Barack Obama is considering having an extramarital affair. He was heard telling his wife that Halle Berry, Beyonce and Vanessa Williams would all be viable candidates, as they straddle both African American and Anglo demographics. Michelle Obama suggested hooking up with Oprah or Queen Latifah if focus groups determine that a big-boned gal would play better in the South. It is said that Barack is struggling with the decision since he would crave a cigarette afterwards.

STUDY SHOWS MEN WHO CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES MAKE BETTER PRESIDENTS

2007-03-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

A recent study at Johns Hopkins University showed a distinct correlation between strong, decisive leaders and presidents who commit adultery. “FDR, JFK and William Jefferson Clinton immediately come to mind,” said the head researcher. “I would say that from the current crop of potential nominees, John McCain, Rudy Guiliani and Newt Gingrich show the most promise.” When rationalizing his past, John McCain said, “Though cheating on my wife went against my nature, I knew one day I might want to seek the presidency.” Guiliani proclaimed, “Regrettably for my family, I was thinking of my country first.” Newt Gingrich theorized, “Sure I screwed around on my wife while she had cancer, but my mistress was America.” The researcher said he thought the current crop of Democrats were all too faithful to be commander in chief.

HALLIBURTON HAS GALA EVENT TO CELEBRATE WAR'S ANNIVERSARY

2007-03-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

Halliburton is said to be commemorating the fourth anniversary of the Iraqi occupation with a gala event to honor the man who made it all possible—Richard B. Cheney. In keeping with its filling station theme, the celebration will have Dom Perignon dispensed from gas pumps as a large, mock gasoline sign shows rising prices in real time. "While a fourth anniversary gift is traditionally linen, we have chosen petroleum," said Halliburton's CEO. “We are giving Dick an oil-rich region in the Middle East. I just hope he doesn’t have it already.”

ANGELINA JOLIE GIVES VIETNAMESE SON HIS FIRST SEWING MACHINE

2007-03-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

According to a Ho Chi Minh City newspaper, Angelina Jolie adopted a three-year old Vietnamese boy to add to her multicultural family. She and Brad Pitt also have an adopted boy from Cambodia and a girl from Ethiopia, as well as their own birth daughter. "I will now be staying home to help Pax adjust to his new life," Jolie told a Vietnamese reporter. "Helping my children discover their place in the world is crucial at this tender age. That’s why I’ve given the three adopted ones their own sewing machines. If you give a child a shirt, he can dress himself for a day. Give a child a sewing machine, and he can clothe a first-world country.”

A NOOSERY RHYME

2007-03-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

RING AROUND THE ROVEY
ALBERTO'S JUST LIKE RUMMY
AND ASHCROFT, ASHCROFT
THEY ALL FALL DOWN

U.S. OFFICIALS DISPUTE CONFESSED TERRORIST’S CLAIMS

2007-03-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's claim he was responsible for dozens of successful and foiled terrorist attacks in the last 15 years relies on a loose definition of the word "responsible," said U.S. officials. “While he is taking credit for the attempted shoe bomb plot in London, in reality, he was only responsible for the shoeshine," said one official. “As far as the Bali nightclub bombing, he apparently was the cruel ironist who had the deejay play ‘I Will Survive.’ And while he claims to have masterminded the Sept. 11 attacks, his part was to program an email alert in the 19 terrorists’ computers so they would receive a reminder 15 minutes before the attack.” A prominent thug psychiatrist noted, “This is very typical. I have never known a criminal that didn't exaggerate. I think President Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ pretty much says it all.”

ATTORNEY GENERAL LETS CONFESSED AL QAEDA TERRORIST GO

2007-03-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

After a hearing that witnessed Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s confession of being the mastermind behind dozens of Al Qaeda terrorist plots, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said Mohammed’s services were no longer needed at Guantanamo and he would have to let him go. “What Mohammed admitted to is hearsay,” Gonzales told a group of irate Democrats. “Since he believes in the Koran and not the Bible, his oath is null and void. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience allow him further room and board at the American taxpayers’ expense.”

CONFESSED SEPTEMBER 11 MASTERMIND SHOWS REMORSE

2007-03-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

In a hearing to determine if he is an enemy combatant, alleged terrorist, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, confessed to being the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks and other major Al Qaeda attacks. In a transcript of a hearing conducted at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp, Mohammed said he was responsible for the 9/11 operation, as well as a 1993 attack on the World Trade Center, the bombing of a Bali nightclub and an attempt to down two American airplanes using shoe bombs—31 plots in all. When asked if he had any regrets, he said, “My mug shot make me look fat. I should have gone to Glamour Shots."

GENERAL PACE CHANGES STANCE ON GAYS IN THE MILITARY

2007-03-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

A day after Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, likened homosexual acts to adultery and said the military should not condone it by allowing gays to serve openly in the armed forces, he rescinded the statement. “Actually, I would like to see more of them on the front lines,” he clarified.

BUSH SENIOR RECEIVES MOUTH-TO-MOUTH FROM GENERAL PACE

2007-03-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Former President George H.W. Bush addressed a crowd in Los Angeles a day after collapsing from dehydration in the Southern California desert. The 82-year-old said he became tired after playing golf in high temperatures. "The next thing I remember, I was on the floor and General Pace was on top of me giving me mouth-to-mouth. And when he slipped me some tongue, I wanted to vomit. I'll take morality over mortality any day," the ex-President opined.

MEXICO DEPORTS BUSH

2007-03-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

As President Bush concludes a six-day swing through Latin America, he promised Mexico's President Felipe Calderon he would put his full effort into changing the nation's immigration laws. It's the first meeting the two men have had since Calderon took office Dec. 1 following a controversial win. After the two toasted to their mutual election fraud, President Calderon got tough. “While Mexico understands the U.S. must do what is best for its own security, Mexico must do the same,” he said as officials handcuffed Mr. Bush and dropped him over the border in Nogales, Arizona.

MILLIONS OF NEW IMMIGRANTS FLOOD U.S. AS BUSH VISITS LATIN AMERICA

2007-03-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

As the increasingly unpopular Bush visits Latin America this week, there have been large demonstrations everywhere he has appeared, causing millions in South America, Central America and Mexico to flee their homelands for the U.S. “The stench of him on my continent made me wanna go caca,” said a Peruvian coca farmer. “As long as the gringo imperialist is on my land mass, I cannot cast a line," said a Tierra del Fuego fisherman. “I thought about jumping in the volcano, but I decide to come to U.S. instead,” said a Nicaraguan coffee grower. “Where is that fence he promised? It could have kept him out of my country.”

FRANCE TO CHANGE NAME OF BRITTANY REGION

2007-03-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

Due to Britney Spears’ latest behavior, France has decided to change the name of its famous Brittany region. "Though our glorious region is not spelled zee same as Ms. Spears’ first name, we feel it is close enough to tarnish our province," said the country’s tourism minister. Paris officials are said to be considering changing the name of the French capital as well, since President Chirac finds Paris Hilton gauche. “We are thinking of replacing Brittany and Paris with Timberlake and Aguilera,” said the tourism minister. “But we are still testing zee waters in songs and expressions. We are not sure how ‘gay Timberlake’ and ‘April in Aguilera’ will go over.”

CHENEY’S UNDISCLOSED LOCATION REVEALED AS HALLIBURTON MOVES TO DUBAI

2007-03-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

Halliburton announced it will be moving its corporate base from Houston to Dubai to be closer to the oil fields of the Middle East and Africa. The sheikdom has become the Las Vegas of the Middle East, offering executives a safe haven in a volatile region with excellent restaurants, golf courses and a large, man-made indoor ski slope. According to an undisclosed source, the Vice President was seen doing moguls at the Dubai Ski Resort on September 11th while the President was reading "My Pet Goat.” He was also spotted in a lime green ski suit on a double black diamond slope during Hurricane Katrina. "I think it’s safe to say the Halliburton move was his idea,” said the source.

A NOOSERY RHYME

2007-03-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN IN D.C.
A NEOCON BASTARD WAS HE
WHO DID THE VEEP’S SELLIN’
AND NOW HE’S A FELON
WHO SAYS TO THE PREZ, “PARDON ME”

GORE AND GINGRICH LEAD POLLS

2007-03-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

Though they are not candidates for the presidency, Al Gore and Newt Gingrich are currently the front runners for their respective parties, according to the latest polls. “I like Gingrich best because he is not running,” said Alice Jones of Montpelier, Vermont. “He is my first choice among those not running and whom not to elect.” Other popular choices are Oprah, Dumbo and the donkey from Shrek. “What this data tells me is that Americans do not want a president at all,” said political pollster John Zogby. “This is unprecedented. 2008 could be America’s first year without a commander in chief.”

BUSH SAYS IF ANTONELLA LOSES, THE TERRORISTS WIN

2007-03-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

After the results of last night’s "American Idol," President Bush called a press conference to proclaim to America, “Antonella Barba is a great asset to the nation’s talent pool, and as a result, I have vetoed your decision to vote her off. I’m the decider, and I say Barbie did a heckuva job. If Antonella is not the next ‘American Idol’, the terrorists win.” It is purported that behind the scenes, the President criticized Karl Rove’s inability to steal the election. Rove blamed the results on the fact that Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell are no longer in positions of power in the states of Florida and Ohio.

BOB DOLE PRESCRIBES VIAGRA FOR WALTER REED DYSFUNCTION (WRD)

2007-03-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

After substandard conditions at an outpatient facility at Walter Reed Army Medical Center were revealed, President Bush named Bob Dole and Donna Shalala to head a commission to investigate the problems. “I'm concerned that when the soldiers come back, they don't get the full treatment they deserve," said Dole. “That’s why I’ve asked my good friends at Pfizer to provide the patients with VIAGRA* to treat WRD. With highly responsive nurses catering to their immediate needs, then mold and unsanitary conditions won’t seem that important. If I had taken VIAGRA when I returned from WWII, things would have been looking up faster,” he said.

*For erections lasting more than 4 hours, contact your Walter Reed administrator.

BUSH REJECTS LIBBY VERDICT

2007-03-07T07:29:00.000-08:00

President Bush said that while he respects the jury that found Scooter Libby guilty, he is certain there will be a different outcome than the one announced in court. “We are a nation of laws, and no man is above the law. That's why Alberto pulled an all-nighter last night, reworking a few. Any minute now, Scooter’s day of being a convicted felon will be behind him,” Bush said. “As the decider, I don’t think a man should go to jail just 'cause he can’t remember a few facts. If that was the case, President Reagan would've gone from the White House to the big house.”

GARY COLEMAN FORMS PRESIDENTIAL EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

2007-03-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

Different Strokes’ actor Gary Coleman has formed a presidential exploratory committee as the first step toward announcing his candidacy for the Democratic ticket. “Running for governor of California taught me two things: 1) An actor can win, and 2) An actor with muscles can really kick butt. So after spending eight hours a day at Gold’s Gym for the past six months, I am announcing my intent to be president. I’m pumped up, I’m limber, and I’m ready to take on the big boys and girl.”

GINGRICH THROWS HAT IN RING AS GARY COLEMAN ANNOUNCES PRESIDENTIAL BID

2007-03-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

Newt Gingrich, who said he would only run for president if absolutely necessary, has entered the race as a result of Different Strokes’ actor Gary Coleman’s recent announcement. “I think it would be foolhardy for the Republican party to presume that either Hillary or Obama can defeat Coleman,” said an energized Gingrich. “If he gets the nomination, it could spell disaster for the GOP. The little guy is a vigorous opponent. Did you see him on ‘Skating With the Stars?’ He had a mean half axel, quarter toe loop and five-eighths lutz.”

GINGRICH TO RUN AS ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT

2007-03-06T08:09:00.000-08:00

Newt Gingrich, now an author and lecturer, remains popular in the Republican party but has not acted on seeking the presidency. He said he will probably stay on the sidelines unless it becomes absolutely necessary. “I will only consider entering the race if and when it is certain a Democrat opponent will be running,” offered Gingrich.

AL SHARPTON DISCOVERS HE WAS BARACK OBAMA’S SLAVE

2007-03-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

Professional genealogists have discovered that the Reverend Al Sharpton is the descendant of slaves once owned by ancestors of Senator Barack Obama, whose mother was white. “Barack Obama is about as black as Hillary Clinton,” said a disgruntled Sharpton. “I would have rather been owned by her."

STROM THURMOND’S RELATIVES CANCEL TRIP TO MEET AL SHARPTON

2007-03-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

Relatives of the late Senator Strom Thurmond who recently discovered their forebears had owned the Reverend Al Sharpton’s great grandfather, have canceled their plans to meet Sharpton in New York as a result of the N-word ban. “Since we can’t use ‘nigger’ now, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable,” said Essie Mae Washington-Williams, Thurmond’s illegitimate daughter. “What would we say if he got us riled up? I think under the circumstances, it’s best if we’re just pen pals.”

TOURISM ON THE DECLINE AS NEW YORK BANS N-WORD

2007-03-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Since New York’s City Council declared a moratorium on the use of the word “nigger,” the state’s tourism board has predicted a drastic decline in visitors to the Big Apple. “A lot of people come here from small towns across the country just to spout off and say things they can’t get away with at home,” said Ivanna Curse from the Regal Travel Agency. “And the N-word is at the top of their list. I guess they’ll have go to L.A. now. If they're smart, they’ll build a theme park there that caters to the new tourists. ‘Niggerland’ would be a real boon for the California economy.”

GATES BLAMES TOP COMMANDER FOR WALTER REED DEBACLE

2007-03-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

In a swift move to address the inadequate outpatient care at Walter Reed Army Hospital, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates has demanded accountability. “The care and welfare of our wounded men and women in uniform deserve the highest standard of excellence, and I am deeply disappointed in the actions of our top commanders,” Gates said. “Therefore, I am asking George W. Bush—I mean, George W. Weightman—to step down. I also recommend immediate impeachment proceedings—er, congressional hearings—to investigate the misdeeds.”

STEPHEN HAWKING LEAVES EARTH TO ESCAPE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

2007-03-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

On April 26, Stephen Hawking will take a ride out of Cape Canaveral on a vomit comet, a padded aircraft that flies a roller-coaster trajectory to produce periods of weightlessness. "Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster such as sudden global nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or another Bush administration," said Hawking. "The black hole we’re in now rivals nothing in the history of the universe. Given the gravity of the situation in Iraq, I want to experience zero gravity, even if just for a little while."

DEMOCRATS REVAMP ANTI-WAR PLAN

2007-03-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

House Democratic leaders are developing an anti-war proposal that won't cut off money for U.S. troops in Iraq but would require President Bush to acknowledge that he has marital problems. The plan could draw bipartisan support, yet some House members say it doesn't go far enough. “While it would be heartening to hear the President admit that he no longer wears the pants in the family and that Laura has rejected all overtures to play hide the salami, I am dubious it will bring the troops home any faster,” said Rep. John Murtha, D-PA. “On the other hand, if he seeks solace with Secretary Rice and a lovers’ quarrel ensues, she could bring them home in a retaliatory move.”

NEWS SOURCES DIFFER ON OBAMA’S POPULARITY

2007-02-28T11:58:00.000-08:00

Black Voters Help Obama Gain Ground On Clinton
—THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR

Obama Getting a Cool Reception from Black America
—CNN

Conflicting Signals on Obama’s Support Among African-Americans
—USA TODAY

Not Sure He’s Any Blacker Than Hillary
—NAACP DIGEST

Let’s See Some Cornrows, Then We’ll Talk
—EBONY MAGAZINE

CHENEY DODGES ASSASSINATION BY TELLING TALIBAN BOMBER TO F-OFF

2007-02-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

A suicide bomber struck the main entrance to Bagram air base in Afghanistan today as Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting. A Taliban spokesman claimed responsibility, saying the intended target was Cheney, however the bomber kept his distance after the Vice President passed him a note that said, “Fuck off. Go bomb someone else.” Afterwards, at least 23 people were carried away in body bags. Cheney left as scheduled and flew to Kabul for his meeting with President Karzai, where he was greeted by a full honor ceremony.

AL SHARPTON DISCOVERS HE WAS STROM THURMOND’S SLAVE

2007-02-27T06:15:00.000-08:00

Professional genealogists have discovered that the Reverend Al Sharpton is the descendant of slaves once owned by ancestors of the late Senator Strom Thurmond from South Carolina. Once considered an icon of racial segregation, Thurmond not only promised to preserve segregation during his 1948 bid for president, in 1957 he filibustered for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill. “Strom Thurmond was a notorious racist, and I am deeply troubled by this,” said Sharpton. “I would have rather been owned by the Clintons."

GORE’S OSCAR IN QUESTION AS “JESUS” DEMANDS RECOUNT

2007-02-26T07:20:00.000-08:00

The producers of one of the nominees for best documentary, “Jesus Camp,” have demanded a recount over Academy Award winner, “An Inconvenient Truth.” “Several of the older Academy voters were confused with the Price Waterhouse butterfly ballot and accidentally marked the wrong box,” said a “Jesus Camp” spokesman. “Plus, there were hanging chads, so those votes shouldn’t count. We’ve hired our good friend, James Baker, to mediate the situation, but in the meantime, Al Gore should return the Oscar.” The producers of one of the other nominated documentaries, “Iraq In Fragments,” said the winner was clear. The Academy preferred “Truth” over “Jesus.”

AL GORE TO MAKE ANNOUNCEMENT AT ACADEMY AWARDS

2007-02-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

After much speculation as to whether Al Gore will announce his presidential candidacy at tonight’s Academy Awards, people in his camp have confirmed that he will, indeed, make an announcement. "It won’t be that he’s running for president, though," said former campaign manager Donna Brazille. “Tonite, in front of a billion people, Al will admit that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. He figured it would be easier to break it to Tipper while they're all dolled up, with a belly full of Wolfgang Puck’s Roasted Veal Oscar with Sweet Maine Lobster, Asparagus and Sauce Choron."

WHITE HOUSE CHEF TO SERVE PETER PAN ON OSCAR NIGHT

2007-02-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

The usually irascible White House chef was, for once, delighted to indulge the President in his favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwich this week. After hearing about the salmonella contamination in jars of peanut butter at a ConAgra plant, the chef was heard telling his saucier, “Now I believe in Peter Pan.” The chef's peanut butter-themed menu for tonite’s Oscar viewing party at the White House includes: Peanut Butter Martinis, Peanut Butter Hummus with Peanut Pita Crisps, Rack of Lamb with Peanut Butter and Mint Jelly, Chef's Secret Salad with Spicy Peanut Dressing and Double Peanut Butter Cookies with Triple Peanut Butter Ice Cream. Guests will be the Cheneys, the Roves, the Rumsfelds, the Wolfowitzes, Condoleezza Rice and several other nation builders.

RIVAL STUDIO TO MAKE MINISERIES ON HILLARY/OBAMA FEUD

2007-02-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

It is rumored that media mogul and Hillary Clinton supporter, Chaim Saban, is producing his own tv miniseries to rival the one being made by David Geffen and Dreamworks. “The Clintons: American Royalty," is scheduled to air on the same nights as “The Polarizing Candidate,” which will be shown on another network. Though the script has not yet been finalized, the following cast is said to already be in rehearsals:

HEATHER LOCKLEAR as Hillary Clinton
PIERCE BROSNAN as Bill Clinton
SCARLETT JOHANSSON as Chelsea Clinton
SNOOP DOGG as Barack Obama
LIL' KIM as Michelle Obama
STEVE BUSCEMI as David Geffen
DANNY DEVITO as Jeffrey Katzenberg
JAMES GANDOLFINI as Steven Spielberg

DREAMWORKS TO MAKE MINISERIES ON HILLARY/OBAMA FEUD

2007-02-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

An entertainment industry insider has purported that Barack Obama supporter, David Geffen, said harsh things about the Clintons in order to incite a public feud between the two camps so that he could capitalize on the drama by creating a made-for-tv movie about it. The miniseries, “The Polarizing Candidate,” will be produced by Geffen’s company, Dreamworks, and is scheduled to air sometime in the fall. Though the script has not yet been finalized, the following cast is said to already be in rehearsals:

DORIS ROBERTS as Hillary Clinton
NED BEATTY as Bill Clinton
WILL SMITH as Barack Obama
HALLE BERRY as Michelle Obama
BRAD PITT as David Geffen
DUSTIN HOFFMAN as Jeffrey Katzenberg
RICHARD DREYFUS as Steven Spielberg
KATHY BATES as Monica Lewinsky

BILL CLINTON POISED TO BECOME NEW YORK’S FIRST BLACK SENATOR

2007-02-23T07:32:00.000-08:00

If Hillary Clinton is elected president, then New York Governor Elliot Spitzer would appoint someone to fill the open senate seat for the remaining two years of her term. "I think there’d be a real call on Spitzer to appoint a black senator,” said Clinton ally, Harold Ickes. “If our first black President, Bill Clinton, fails to become the first black vice president as Obama’s running mate, then he could be the first black senator from New York. Any way you slice it, we’re just lucky his mother had an African-American child.”

MCCAIN TELLS HORNY CHRISTIANS TO DO THE HOKEY POKEY

2007-02-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

As presidential hopeful John McCain courted Christian conservatives in the first primary state in the Bible Belt last weekend, he encouraged about 1500 South Carolina middle and high school students to say no to sex. "It’s imperative that you take responsibility and exhibit self-control before marriage," said the senator. "I have a long record of supporting abstinence-based initiatives. Here’s one that anyone can do:

You put your left hand in,
You put your left hand out;
You put your left hand in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!"

BUSH TO MAKE DOCUMENTARY ON GLOBAL WARRING

2007-02-21T07:25:00.000-08:00

Though Al Gore won the popular vote in 2000, his recent popularity has really gotten to the President, according to an inside source. Bush feels slighted by his one-time rival's nominations for an Academy Award and the Nobel Peace Prize. “I want Rove to get a film crew together and have ‘em start filming me talking about global warring," said the President. "Then have him get me one of those NOBEL prizes—peace, literature, medicine, economics—I don’t care which one. And let’s throw in some dancing, so I win a Tony. Say, if Rove needs to pick up any states, have him give Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell a call. Oh, and line up Latifah to present the awards to me. Mmm. She’s a lotta brown sugar."

BUSH MOVES PRESIDENTS' DAY TO JULY

2007-02-20T10:31:00.002-08:00

As President Bush honored George Washington at Mount Vernon on Presidents' Day, he made comparisons between America's first wartime president and the current one. "Just as he fought the Revolutionary War, we are fighting a war to defend our liberty," Bush said. "The first George W. claimed victory over Britain, and the second George W. will claim victory over Iraq. And just as the Father of our Nation conceived a new course for America, the Great Decider has summoned a new day in America. I have decided to move Presidents' Day to my birthday, July 6th. But “Bushmas” will still be celebrated on December 25th."

BUSH SAYS WORDS COULD LEAD TO DIALOGUE

2007-02-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

New Mexico Governor and presidential hopeful, Bill Richardson, told CNN that the worst possible mistake would be to take military action in Iran before exhausting all diplomatic avenues. “Rather than talking to the Iranians about their nuclear program, Mr. Bush makes threats and sends ships over there. This is not a strategy for peace, it is a strategy for war.” When asked to respond, the president said, “I’m not gonna rush into a conversation that we're not prepared for without a clear strategy of how to be articulate. That would embolden the enemy. But I might say a couple words to President Ahmadinejad. Some short ones—maybe two or three letters. If he looks me in the eye like he’s ready to hand over his nuclear weapons, then maybe I'll form a sentence. And who knows. That could lead to a dialogue.”

STUART SMALLEY GIVES AL FRANKEN THE COURAGE TO RUN FOR CONGRESS

2007-02-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

Comedian, author and radio talk show host Al Franken announced that he will run for the Senate in Minnesota against Republican Senator Norm Coleman in 2008. When asked why someone who has never held office thought he could beat an incumbent with far greater experience, Franken said, “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.”

MITT ROMNEY TO BRING FIRST WIVES CLUB TO WHITE HOUSE

2007-02-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

As the first Mormon to seek the White House, Mitt Romney has promised a more wholesome presidency if elected. “My family means the world to me, and family values will be the centerpiece of my administration,” he declared. “I know my wives will make terrific first ladies. The three of them are looking forward to working together to redecorate the White House. In fact, they’ve already got their eye on a new chair for the Lincoln bedroom. I said no rococo though.”

BUSH CONSIDERS TIMETABLE FOR PULLOUT

2007-02-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

21:00 LOAD GUN

21:00:10 COCK GUN

21:00:40 SHOOT GUN

21:00:40 EUPHORIA

21:00:42 WITHDRAWAL

21:00:44 LAY DOWN GUN

21:00:46 SMOKE CIGARETTE

21:03 EVACUATION

OBAMA POISED TO BECOME SECOND BLACK PRESIDENT

2007-02-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

Speaking from the old state capital in Springfield, Illinois where Abraham Lincoln once stood, Senator Barack Obama announced that he was ready to become the second black president of the United States. “Abraham Lincoln paved the way for Bill Clinton—our first black president—and we all know how proud President Clinton made us as a nation,” he said to thunderous applause. “President Clinton and I both learned great morality lessons from the Great Emancipator. While mine were gleaned from history books, Bill learned his hands-on in the Lincoln bedroom. If elected president, I only hope I can live up to Clinton’s many seminal achievements.

CLINTON POISED TO BECOME FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT

2007-02-12T08:34:00.000-08:00

Bill Clinton, the husband of presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, is said to be considering joining Barack Obama’s ticket as his vice-presidential running mate. “I really loved being the first black president,” said the ex president, and this is something historically exciting for me to consider.” Asked what his wife would think of the move, he said, “Hillary and I have an understanding. I don’t ask her how much she weighs, and she doesn’t ask me whose presidential ticket I’m running on.”

ROVE’S STRATEGY FOR ANNA NICOLE SMITH DEATH WENT AS PLANNED

2007-02-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

Though she never sang for the president on his birthday, the untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith had similarities to the demise of Marilyn Monroe. “It was definitely a government job,” an unidentified source said. “After the fourth U.S. helicopter crashed in Iraq in just three weeks, Karl Rove had to put on his thinking cap real fast. Apparently, the diapered astronaut story he created couldn’t whitewash all the caca coming out of Iraq, so he made sure something even bigger filled the front pages.” The source wouldn’t speculate on how the death was executed, but a passerby at the Florida hotel where Smith died saw a suspicious-looking man get out of a helicopter and enter her room. A few moments later the man yelled, “Jack Daniels downed” as he fled toward the copter with an empty alcohol bottle and pill container.

GIULIANI ALMOST SEEKS PRESIDENCY

2007-02-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani took one more step toward an official White House run by filing the paperwork to establish an exploratory committee. When asked by reporters what foreign policy experience he had that made him qualified to turn Iraq around, he said, “Look what I did with Times Square. First, I'll ban all handguns and personal bombs in Baghdad. Then, I’ll build a Gap, Disney Store and Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Next, I’ll bring ‘Phantom’ and ‘Cats’ to town. After that, I’ll hire a Madison Avenue ad agency to create a tourism campaign with TV spots and full page ads. And on December 31, 2009 at 11 pm, the Iraqi people will be celebrating in Baghdad Square at Ahmed Chalabi’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. But baby steps. I can’t commit to running yet."

TED HAGGARD EARNS HIS HETEROSEXUAL DEGREE

2007-02-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

After three weeks of intensive tutoring, disgraced minister Ted Haggard says he no longer thinks about his penis therapist and the treatments he used to receive for his 2003 zipper accident. “I studied hard to become a certified heterosexual, and with my new degree, I’m going to have sexual relations with my wife and enjoy it,” proclaimed an upbeat Haggard. His private male tutor said that after helping him finish his course load, Haggard graduated with honors, summa cum loudly.